Hi Twink - sorry you had a such a bumpy road lately....hope your D will be OK. As for H...I know from my own experience that no matter how detached we think we are...their actions could still get to us. But our emotional stability is also effected by other things that are happening at the same time...and you sure had a lot on your plate lately to deal with. I know that you will find you balance again once things settle down and you have time to "process"
just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Grace, thank you. I hope so. I'm working hard, and beginning to feel better. It really helped to receive a text from D last night that she had a good day. I had the best night's sleep in some time!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
It really helped to receive a text from D last night that she had a good day. I had the best night's sleep in some time!
This is great! You get so used to the stress sometimes you don't realize how bad it was until it's gone. I'm so glad your D had a good day. I'm sure she will have more and more of them.
I think you can appreciate one of my favorite quotes:
"If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"
Thanks, Grace. It's a comfort to know there is someone here who understands how much we worry about our Ds, no matter what their ages.
I need some advice. I usually trust my instincts, as they have served me well in the past, but I'm still not sure on this one. I know what I feel is the right thing to do, but I don't know if it is also the good thing to do. The difference has nothing to do with how H might act or react to me, but more how it might affect him.
I am fortunate to work part-time for an organization that provides counseling and other support services to youth and families, and values the mental health of its employees as well. It has recently contracted with a counseling group to provide unlimited services to all of its employees and their families at an extremely modest annual fee.
I feel, on the one hand, that it is my moral obligation to let H know that this is a benefit available to him. OTOH, although H claims to have seen a counselor twice during the 6 months after our S, he steadfastly refused to go with me for years before that when I asked. I have drafted, but not sent, an email with just the facts. I am torn between doing something I think is right and true to me, and doing something that may put H on the defensive.
Does my sense of obligation trump his (potential) feelings? I'm leaning towards doing what I feel is right, and letting him deal with whatever that brings up, but thought I'd toss it out here for comment. What do you all think?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Have there been any other changes to your benefits? If it were me, and there had been other changes, I would let him know about all of it. Otherwise, I don't think I would.
I understand that this is part of who you are, so ultimately, you have to decide. The outcome could be anything. I doubt it will include his taking advantage of the service though.
No, my benefits have not changed, except to add this as the only one LOL. I am part-time, so I'm really quite pleased that I get this one at all, and especially at the same level as the FTEs.
I completely agree that H is unlikely to take advantage of this, as he is still deep in replay, entitled, etc., and has always resisted talking to anyone about anything deep, especially about himself, including me. As I thought about this some more today, before reading your post, I also realized that if H ever comes to, I can always offer this to him then.
I have made my decision and deleted my draft. Thanks for helping me feel better about it.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I've spent the last few weeks as I said I would -- stepping back from H to limit opportunities to be hurt by him, reprocessing each of my losses over the last two years one by one a little more, and turning my daily thoughts of H quickly back to me. Until this weekend, H and I had no contact of any kind for three weeks, and that helped immensely. I have regained my place of peace and calm, at least for now, and it feels good.
Just in time, too. We had another family wedding this weekend, our niece's. Younger D, a bridesmaid, and future SonIL came home for most of the week, for both this wedding's duties and to continue the planning for their own. H tried to find time to see them, but they were very heavily scheduled for their three days here, and couldn't make definite plans to get together when he called. D finally let H know what slots of time she had available, but he apparently never got back to her, and they did not see each other until the wedding.
I decided to go without my little helper xanax, even though I did have some concern about H bringing OW. I was pretty sure I could handle it alone. I parked on the same street at the same time H and MIL did (separately), and waited with MIL on the sidewalk as H returned to his car for something. H greeted me with a kiss as usual. We walked in together, and then things became markedly different than last time.
H hung up his coat, and helped his mother with hers, but ignored me (last May he was the epitome of gentlemanly manners). I took my time with mine (bought that day on sale -- good tailoring, perfect fit, and bright red!) while MIL waited nearby, clearly a bit perplexed. We were directed to seats for the family, and H and I sat down, but I immediately left to find future SonIL to let him know where we were saving a seat for him. Then I stood around chatting with extended in-laws until it was time to sit. Future SonIL sat between H and me.
And then...I heard my thoughts come from the minister's mouth. His pre-vow remarks were all about how a H and W should strive to show their love and commitment to each other, that love is a daily choice followed up by action, has nothing to do with transient hormonal feelings, asks that you put your partner's needs ahead of your own -- everything I wished that I could have said to my H after the B, but, of course, could not. I wiped away a couple of tears, although I tried hard to contain them. I have no way of knowing if H heard or cared about what was said, but I was so grateful for what was said, and told the minister so later.
As at the last wedding, my MIL arranged a table for all of us. While I was waiting for the buffet line to shorten, I sat down with my SisterIL's sister, and H came and sat next to me. We chatted easily for several minutes, and when I noticed the line was shorter, I stood up to get dinner and invited H to join me, which he did. MIL had moved to the table we had left, so I returned to it with my plate. There was one chair left when H approached, and I waved him to it. He stood awkwardly, looking around, and then sort of waved me off and sat at an adjoining table half-full of young people, cousins of the bride, with his back to both me and his mother.
That was the last I saw of him. He apparently left shortly after eating, before the dancing began, without saying goodbye to his mother or me, as he had made a point to do the last time. He sought out our future SonIL to say goodbye, but D said she said goodbye to him only, she thought, because she happened by while he was getting his coat. When she told me this the next day, she was very hurt that he had not only not made time to see her outside of the wedding, but was also so aloof at the wedding. I was pretty p*ssed at all of this, but she was handling it well, so I let it go. This D has lived 2000 mi. away for the last 6 years, he has not visited her there once, and is giving her away this summer! I want to scream "What is wrong with him?!?!" but, of course, I know.
If I were a betting person, which I am not, I would bet that OW was here, and that H was getting pressure to not spend much time at the wedding, and certainly not hang out and dance with me like last time. If that is the case, something is bound to implode eventually. Who knows where I'll be then?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
