3rd time he wants to leave. What should I do?

[broken66]

I am 32, and my H is 28. We have been together for 8 years. Been married for 4.6 years.
Everything was great in the beginning. We even had a long-distanced relationship for 1.5 years before we got married. It was tough but we managed to make it through.

I have to admit that the first 2 years of our marriage was the most darkest. We've been through his infidelity in the second year of our marriage (We lived in different states because of my job). Then he wanted to break up 2 times in recent 2 years. This time is the 3rd time!

He always tried to break up when I am away from home. This time he did it when I am 6000 miles away visiting my family. The plan was for me to come to my home country for 3 weeks, and then he would fly in to spend 2 weeks with me and my family before we go back to the US. Everything was great before I left. I was so happy and convinced that year 2011 was going to be wonderful for us. Then at the end of 2nd week into my family visitation, we had a little argument over his drinking on the phone. I didn't think it was a big deal but he took the opportunity to get very mad and not answering his phone for 4 days. He then decided not to come to see me and wanted to break up, which I learned that from his parents, not him, because he wouldn't answer his phone for 4 days.

Before, I would go right to him no matter where i was. I would cry, beg him, and try to do everything to win his heart back. This time, I am so far, far away. And I am honestly a bit tired of him wanting to break up like this. Most of all, I really don't know what else I can do anymore. So, I have stopped calling him because I don't want to hear him say hurtful things. I then wrote him an email to tell him that "He is free" and asked him not to contact me if he wants to express his feelings about the whole situation.

I feel that I have given everything he's ever wanted, more freedom to go out (I rarely tell him not to go out), more along time, and better sex life. I do not ask much of him. The only two things that concerns me are his drinking and spending. I have helped him stop using credit cards. He learned to be more responsible when it comes to spending. But drinking, I can't help at all. I just thought that it's a little bit unusual for one to drink so often but he said he's stressed out and drinking helps him relax. He gets very defensive when I address his drinking, which have become the only reason for our fighting.

Here's what have happened in the past 3 years of our marriage:

May 2008 - We lived in different states. I went back for his graduation and caught him cheating. We decided to stay together and work on our relationship.
August 2009 - Prior to this break-up, he moved back to home state for a new job. He was going to come get me when eveything was settled. But when it's time for me to move back, he told me that he felt I'd be happier without him, he's not happy with our sex life, and he got married too young, and he wanted to be single.
Sept. 2010 - We live together. He told me he's confused and asked if I still wanted to be with him.
Jan. 2011 - I am 6000 miles away. We had a little argument on 1/20 on the phone. Than I leaned from is parents that he wanted to break up. I then sent him an email on 1/28 to tell him he is "free". Haven't had any contact whatsoever till this date since 1/24.

I am very heart-broken and confused. I am not sure anymore if this marriage is salvageable, though I really love him deeply. I feel I'm the only one that's making all the effort to pull us together. So, I don't even know what else I can do for him to make him happy, if he thinks leaving me is the only way to be happy. I don't know what I should do: make up or break up? He would be very great with me and drop the bomb all of a sudden. So I really don't know if I can have him back to love me and never want to leave again. And I don't know if the "you are free" email I wrote him would backfire on me. I am still in my home country. I don't want to be in a bad shape when I go back to the US in a few weeks. I don't want to cry or beg. I don't want to apologize because I am never the one that wants to give up the marriage.

So, so, so confused and don't know what to do....
I'd appreciate any input from you....thank you....

[Serenity13]

Broken~

I didn't think I would respond on the board anymore, however came upon your post and felt the need to do so.

I then wrote him an email to tell him that "He is free" and asked him not to contact me if he wants to express his feelings about the whole situation.

Don't do this again... You aren't his "keeper" and he doesn't need permission to be "set free" ~ You did it to get a response from him and then turned around and told him not to contact you.

We decided to stay together and work on our relationship.

How did you work on this the first time? Did you see a MC? Did you continue to use the tools necessary to make your marriage stronger or were old habits allowed to creep back in?

happier without him, he's not happy with our sex life, and he got married too young, and he wanted to be single.

Projection... It is a load of bull and his way of justifying what he is doing.

For being married, you both seem to be doing an awful lot of "living apart" and I don't think that bodes well for anyone.

A marriage is based on 2 people, living together, working on the marriage together, not living apart because of a job...

Sacrifices should be made if there is this much conflict living apart.

I don't even know what else I can do for him to make him happy

Not. A. Thing.

It isn't your job to "make him happy" and I will tell you this, the more you try, the more you will fail because nothing you do is going to make him happy right now. In his mind you are the enemy, you and your marriage are the ones standing in his way of happiness.

if he thinks leaving me is the only way to be happy

Then let him go, let him see what life is like out there without you.

I don't know what I should do: make up or break up?

Breathe...

Nothing has to be decided at this moment in time. Get your bearings together...

Read around here, post if you need be (especially if you want to email him again about being free), take care of you right now and let him worry about himself.

(((Hugs)))

[dbmod]

^bumping for more responses

[MrBond]

What Serenity is basically saying is, you need to detach from his mood swings.

Did he ever respond to your letting him be free email?

What was his main reason for leaving now?

If he was drinking alot more, when did that start?

Right now the best thing to do is to not contact him. He's already come to expect it and seems to punish you by not contacting you.

Do you think there's another OW?

[grr]

i agree with mrbond

don't contact him right now

when you are not sure what to do, it is better not to do anything

let him miss you and see what life is like without you

in the meantime, do something that will move you forward into a better place

surround yourself with positive, caring people

come to this board frequently, you will find understanding and an awful lot of ears to vent to

i hope you sleep well tonight

[broken66]

Hi,

Thank you so so so much for your feedback. Yes, we are apart a lot compared to other married couples. But we did it because of our financial situation. I myself was, and still is debt-free. On the other hand he has had a lot of CC debts and student loans. To be able to pay bills, we had to go where the job was. In the end, we moved from CA back to IL where we first met (in school) and his family are all in IL as well).

I don't want to say that I regret living apart because I did it for "us". It's probably wasn't a wise thing to do. But i thought if we loved each other, we could overcome any obstacles in our life. However, I guess I was all day-dreaming for the past 4 years.....

Since we haven't had any contact since 1/24, I really don't know what the main reason this time for breaking up. He told his parents that he didn't have the guts to tell me so he didn't answer the phone when I called. When he found out that I called his parents, he called like 6 times but I was so sad too that i didn't answer the phone. He then emailed me and "demanded" me not to call his parents anymore. He tried to call again the next day (1/27) I still didn't answer. He emailed me again to tell me that he's not coming to meet me and he asked when's good time to call and talk to me. I am so tired of the way he treated me and our M so I wrote him an email to tell him "he is free" (not in the way of giving him permission) and not to contact me, because I really needed time to think (this I didn't tell him)....

BUT His reasons for breaking up are always the SAME: got married too young, wanting to be single, feels smothered by me. I don't understand how I was smothering him. He could go out and stay over at friends' if he gets too drunk to drive. He goes out to bar by himself or with coworkers and I don't really ask him if I could go too. When he wants to play games, I leave the room or just sit by him to watch him play. He doesn't like going shopping so he only comes along when he offers. That's all he wants. However his mom asked me "do you think it's normal for your H to go out so often?" What can I do? That Is what he wants!!

He drank a lot already but not like very often (just on days off). But he started drinking more and often since sometime around May last year when he told me he hated his job. He felt he's under-appreciated and not paid enough. He has tried to find a new job but no luck. He was upset that he didn't have friends. It got worse from Oct 2010. He went out to drink more and came home late a few times w/o calling. He said he needed to be in a funk because he's so upset about his job. He also gets angry easily when I ask if he drinks too much.

I used to get short-tempered easily but I have tried to manage my anger so it would not affect M. But he has become more and more like a b*tch when we have arguments. I also feel like he doesn't care about / love me as much. I also feel that he's taking me for granted all the time and doesn't appreciate me. And he just wants to run away from all the problems he has in his life and starts from scratch, same for his M, just not with me in the picture! However I think I should be the one in funk (work a sh*ty job from home, have only ONE friend in IL, and family is 6000 miles away! H is not emotionally dependable. Who should feel upset? I think it should be ME!)

I don't want to tell him how much I have done for him, especially financially. I do it because I love him and care about him, and I want us to have a good life.

I feel like the biggest fool when he drops the bomb every time. Now I even feel like all our sweet moments was a dream and I could wake up anytime.

He hasn't contacted me since. He even closed FB and kicked me and my brother out of his MSN. I even wonder if he's bi-polar or depressed and he can't tell where his stress really comes from: his job or me? But since I am so easily to get rid of, so he got rid of me first?

And do i just disappear in his life for now? How do I resume the communication if needed?

I am sorry the post is long. I just wanted to give more details about my M.....

[broken66]

Can you recommend any books for me to read? Should I read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy?

I want to GAL! My life has been affected by his "mood swing" for quite a while. I even dreamed of him breaking up with me and woke up in tears so very often for the past 2 years.

I've lost myself. I've lost all my self-confidence, no kidding...

My friends asked me if I remember how I used to be (the old me), my answer is NO.....How pathetic.....

[dbmod]

^

[MrBond]

Read Divorce Remedy. Start re-building your self-esteem. You might want to try doing something physical like working out or walking. It'll help you to re-connect you with YOU and you'll re-discover yourself.