Hoping to find some peace

[MrBond]

After reading your post, it sounds like you're taking on blame that really isn't your cross to bear.

"That she put up 11 years with me and did not get a break. She felt that i always had one emotional issue or the other"

You only detailed 3 years worth of "emotional" issues. Was it mainly depression? How would you act during these times?

"2: That for 3 years i was depressed and never made effort to get myself out of it. "

Weren't you in C and on meds? This sounds like you were trying to get out of it. Was your W supportive or was she like, "get over it already".

"3: That she did not want our D to see our arguing. "

Who would start these arguments? It sounded like you were withdrawing and so to get a response out of you, your W was the one who was arguing to you.

"4: That i never used any of the existing support system that i had in the U.S. (i.e., my MIL, SIL etc)"

How and where you choose to get support from is up to you. Not your W. They are her relatives, not yours. It's understandable why you wouldn't feel comfortable opening up to them. Your W is at fault here sounds like.

IMHO, right now you're suffering from an extreme lack of self-esteem and self-worth. Whether its caused by your parents or past abuse, or whatever, your past doesn't have to run your future.

Make the choice now to BE the man. Your depression will have you convincing yourself every reason why you can't do or achieve things. The fact is that you can. Maybe take some kind of meditation exercise where you can clear your mind first of all negative thoughts and start with only positive ones.

Your past is your past but it doesn't run your life. YOU do.