Sandi, I always enjoy your advice, be it here or other threads. Thank you for being so actively caring and concern for the folks here.
I ended up not confronting her. There were a couple of opportunities, but I decided it would be unwise.
As for the bills, I believe it's the nature of being a medical student. Before med school, my wife was in charge of the finances, but when she started, I took over. Quite a lot of the time she was swamped and studying was and still is an overtime job for her. So I guess old habits die hard - even though she said she will start taking care of her own credit cards and bills, she has been lackadaisical about it, IMHO. I've reminded her about the payment processes, the account passwords, but like yesterday, when I told her that should start paying for her cards, she said "You were supposed to give me the passwords, etc. How do I know you didn't change them?"
The same goes regarding our so-called arranged nights when we alternately take turns watching our son and our dog. She says we're doing this as if we're actually separated (not in the same house). If it were so, then why do I still take our dog out to potty in the mornings, feed her AND get our son ready and take him to school? I mean, if we were truly separated, she'd have to find her own way to take care of these things, regardless of how busy she is. She probably thinks that I am obligated because:
A. I'm jobless and she's "letting" stay here, and B. I'm still acting like a doormat (I hope not) by still being there for her, not in a needy way, mind you
The groomer: I did inform her beforehand that I would be taking Bella (our Cairn) to this local business where we always get our dog food from. In fact, the habit of supporting local mom and pop stores was something my wife and I had encouraged in each other in the last few years, which is why I thought she'd understand that sometimes mom and pop stores can be a little bit more expensive (in this case, probably $10 more) than chain stores.
Now I also have a question about our joint account. You may recall that my wife went to open her own account, but it turns out that because she is the primary, our current account and her new one are still seen as still group under her name, which is also why I can see her account when I do any online banking. I told her about this and she told me that in order for us to have true separate accounts, I should take myself out of our joint.
Well, I'm already given up our marital bed, now she wants me to relinquish myself out of our account... Should I just go with it? After all, it's just a bank account. On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to give her the impression that I'm supporting this separation/divorce.
Just read up on your thread Alamo. We share some things in common, same age and both foreigners living in CA. I have been through almost exactly what you are going through.
You have some work to do, but I believe this R can be saved. You do need to change, but not in the ways you may think.
First step for you:
STOP talking about the R! STOP STOP STOP. Don't let her draw you into R talks, change the subject. Get out of there. Just avoid them any way you can. This includes apologizing for your past mistakes, telling her you regret what you did and so on. Just think "ALL R TALK IS BAD". Later when you are in a better place there will be time to talk about things, that time is NOT now.
Second step for you:
Find a job. Stop putting all your energy into trying to save the R and put it ALL into getting back to work. This is counter-intuitive I know, but this will go a lot further towards saving your marriage than anything else you do right now. The primary problem in your R is RESPECT. She has lost respect for you and you do not respect yourself, the cycle goes on. Despite everything society says, a man without a means of providing is considered less of a man.
Third step for you:
When it comes to manly jobs JUST DO THEM. Do not ask her if she wants you too (weak man), do not make her do them (jerk), don't even say anything about it except "I will fix it" and then do it. Car repairs, house repairs, yard work, heavy lifting: do, and STOP TALKING ABOUT IT with her.
More to come (if you want)...
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Spellfire -- definitely welcome more of your input. Glad to find someone in CA too.
How can I stop R talks when DR says I need to acknowledge my wife's feelings? In a sense if I'm acknowledging it would likely be something concerning the R, wouldn't it?
It's a big AMEN on getting a job part. I've been having interviews every week now, which is a great thing...just need to be hired is all.
When it comes to manly jobs/chores though, how can I avoid from being a doormat she can walk all over? Sometimes I just feel like by doing all these things that in my mind show her I care about her, it might just in fact be helping ease herself out of this relationship. So I'm torn - some advice say to let her experience what separation and single life truly means, while some say be there for her. I guess it depends on the situation, and my goals, which I listed a few posts earlier.
Quick Question: A couple of times this week, my wife has, in passing, said that she wishes she remembered to do her laundry over the weekend, She has to wash her own hospital scrubs, and on Monday she only wore her whitecoat. Then these past two days, she's been wearing her school-provided scrubs. Finally my question to y'all is: Should I just help her do her load of laundry?
If you're thinking possible brownie points, well, bear in mind that before all this went down, I was the main laundry person at home. Since I was kicked out of the master bedroom, I only do our son's and mine. So would it matter if I did it for her now or not?
How can I stop R talks when DR says I need to acknowledge my wife's feelings? In a sense if I'm acknowledging it would likely be something concerning the R, wouldn't it?
The two are not mutually exclusive. If your wife comes at you with R talk, validate what she is saying: "I can see that now. I understand that what I did upset you." Do not apologize ("Im so sorry I hurt you" weak man stuff that she will not respect), just make it known that you get it. Stay calm, do not get drawn into something emotional, and especially do not try to defend yourself verbally. Just disarm her with cool calm collected empathy. Don't tell her what you are doing to change it, but DO CHANGE IT. Remember she is watching you to see if you can truly change, she is not listening to you to see if she will convince her. The less you say the better. If you start running your mouth, you will only encourage her to continue the R talk further and attack you further. Learning this technique is KEY, it will take practise, and you will backslide. Just don't give up. This is a skill you can carry with you into every relationship in your life, not just with your W.
You need to be a silent man of action who truly makes changes, but does not talk, brag about, or justify them.
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It's a big AMEN on getting a job part. I've been having interviews every week now, which is a great thing...just need to be hired is all.
Do not give up. I believe the economy is on the threshold of turning around and there will be opportunities out there. Keep telling yourself "I can do this".
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When it comes to manly jobs/chores though, how can I avoid from being a doormat she can walk all over? Sometimes I just feel like by doing all these things that in my mind show her I care about her, it might just in fact be helping ease herself out of this relationship. So I'm torn - some advice say to let her experience what separation and single life truly means, while some say be there for her. I guess it depends on the situation, and my goals, which I listed a few posts earlier.
She hasn't left yet. Despite her lips saying you are officially separated, she hasn't actually up and left yet, and her actions betray her true feelings on the matter. She is still quite enmeshed in the R as far as I can tell. She may be trying to convince herself more than she it trying to convince you.
In her eyes you have proven to be quite flakey and indecisive with certain tasks that she clearly believes it is a man's job to take care of (no offense but I am writing from her perspective). My advice here is to identify those tasks and simply do those tasks whether she asks you to or not.
"The car is doing xyz" (she hasnt asked you to do anything)
(do not ask her if she wants you to fix it, just go and do it. If you can't fix it, you take it to the shop and get it taken care of)
Your response "xyz is fixed"
Key here: identify which tasks she expects a man to take care of. It may be something as simple as killing a spider, or as complex as house wiring repairs. Note you don't personally have to fix everything, but you should be the one to arrange someone to come and take care of it if not.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Quick Question: A couple of times this week, my wife has, in passing, said that she wishes she remembered to do her laundry over the weekend, She has to wash her own hospital scrubs, and on Monday she only wore her whitecoat. Then these past two days, she's been wearing her school-provided scrubs. Finally my question to y'all is: Should I just help her do her load of laundry?
Let her do her own laundry. She clearly does not expect this to be the "man's responsibility", so if she wants you to do her laundry, she needs to earn it by treating you better. You wont get brownie points, you will lose respect.
Some homework if you choose to accept it...
1. Research: Why women like decisive men, and how to be more decisive
2. Research: How to set boundaries in your relationship
3. Take a look at my signature. Which of the three do you most identify with?
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Whoo-whee...lots of good stuff there, Mike. I don't think I'lm the only one benefitting from your words today!
True, my wife hasn't left, but she told me she will leave in June, which is when her current semester is over, and summer holiday starts. Being a med student, that is logically the only time to do it really. I have this notion that since she has the upper hand in controlling how fast/slow this separation/divorce goes, staying here and moving out in June is a big benefit for her.
If you look at it from that point of view, she's playing her cards well. If you look at it from an optimistic point of view, at least I have a few more months of close contact with her, not much, but definitely more than if she's gone.
As for the laundry, i forgot to clarify that she has been doing her laundry this entire time, except for this past weekend. Which is why I thought it might be a nice surprise if she came home to some clean scrubs. Alas, she's already doing them as I type this.
Mike, I think the problem with her not respecting me comes from the fact that she has no trust in me whatsoever - a sad byproduct of my porn addiction. So even if I've gotten my tasks/acts together, or heck, even tasks/acts that I did right the entire marriage, she obviously questions them now.
Simple example that happened not more than twenty minutes ago:
Usually I cook dinner for all of us each evening. Today I didn't because I had two p.m. interviews (awesome!), so I just picked up my son from daycare (this I do like 95% of the time) and bought dinner home. My wife got home early from the hospital today, so she was home before we got back. She must've noticed there wasn't any food, so she texted me to see if there were dinner plans.
W: Where were you all? M: I picked "E" up from daycare at 5. Then we went to buy dinner. I had two interviews today so I didn't cook. Your food is on the table. W: Well, i'm just not sure if you cook for me everyday. (This is not the first conversation we've had about this, BTW) M: I also cook for all of us to eat, or buy food for you too. W: I don't want to take advantage of you. (Same thing she says each time) M: i always cook for you. I've cooked food all week, but you haven't been eating them because of your schedule. W: Yeah, I bet you tell people that...that you cook for me and I chose not to eat. (She says this each time too) M: it's just meals that I cook for everyone. If you don't eat, we have leftovers for next day.
Five minutes later, as I was walking up the stairs (she hangs downstairs with our son to spend time with him), she asks, "How is your job thing going?" I said, "Very positive actually. For many of them, I'm in second and third interviews already. Never seen such intensive interviews before, but they'll all interested in me. it's just a waiting game right now." Then I heard her go, under her own breath, "huuumpph!"
