"I'm having a hard time and ended up in a OR talk again that no doubt made me seem weak."
Anytime your spouse is involved with another person and you are bringing up relationship talks, you make yourself appear very weak and show that you have little value for yourself. They have moved on, they don't want you anymore... There actions show you how they feel.... They are done. It is reality. there is no marriage when someone else is boning your wife.
"Sometimes I put myself is situations that wear me down and make me crazy - like "over giving" in the hope of pleasing my W so she will, well, love me"
approval seeking.... if I change for you will you love me... here, I will step up and be everything you said I'm not, now will you love me, all of this behavior is garbage... Give her the one thing she has been telling you over and over that she wants..... GIVE HER A LIFE WITHOUT YOU! change for you. have fun for you. Learn to love your new life without her. Tell her you want her to be happy with OM, you see that they have a lot more in common and they deserve each other.. wish her well
"Maybe it's just not healthy to love too much or too deeply because despite what our spouses might say it's not really what they want from us."
NO, it isn't healthy at all, in fact it will only make you miserable investing all your time and energy into something that cannot reciprocate. Invest it in something that will benefit from it.... YOU.....
"Could that be the draw of the OM?" The OM makes her feel good about herself, he doesn't have the negatives that come with being with someone for so long, he is exciting, he is new, he treats her so well....... Competing against the other man is a waste of time. You can't compare to the feelings she has for him at the moment.
