Question for you, did you guys fall back into old patterns?
Harder question for you and I mean no disrespect, you busted the divorce, did you keep DBing afterwards? Not the initial DBing rules, no R talks, no I love you's but the harder stuff, the GALing and communicating?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It seems like I grew from this experience last time and H did also but is still lagging behind.
We did fall back somewhat but it seemed but still went out for dinner, went different places together and with family. Lately my H has been feeling fatigue and complaining that he is getting old and not wanting to do to much.
The harder question is yes I kept DBing. We didn't even argue or anything. We spent alot of time together. We did talk alot on our plans for the future, etc. He said his life is boring and my son told him it's because he doesn't want to do anything.
Before this happened this time he would come home from work, we would eat dinner and he would watch the news and nap on the couch. We would watch TV together and then go to bed.
As far as GALing, I went with friends and family to do things he didn't want to do. Pretty much we would do things together.
YR, Your h left that piece of aper for you to find. He wanted a reaction from you. Keep in mind that even through the very last stage which is not part of the usual steps, they will test you to see where your head, heart and soul are. So, yes, he was testing you this time around.
He may be thinking about moving out, but I wouldn't broach the subject w/him again. I would go about my own business and if he wants to sleep on the couch, so be it. Stay as calm as you can and observe for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Believe me I am going about my business. I don't talk about him moving out and I don't think he got the reaction from me that he wanted last night with the paper. I just asked him if he was looking for another place. He replied that he was keeping his options open.
I didn't say anything about him sleeping on the couch, either. If that is what he needs to do. That king sized bed is big with one person but it sure felt nice! LOL
Yellowrose, Have you ever seen the movie Pure Country with George Strait? There is a line in it where Ernest,the dad says to him, "The funny thing about that little white speck on the top of chicken shitt. That little white speck is chicken shitt too."
One of the things you do not hear around these parts a lot is sometimes we deserve better. Your attitude sounds good and I am truly hoping that is a sign that you have a solid boundary for how much you will tolerate. The first time we do this we are new to it and scared and afraid of being alone, and feeling all the guilt of what has occurred. This blinds us to some realities. In fact if I were a betting man I would bet that you have looked back once or twice and wondered why you put up with so much crap the first time.
Your answer to that will probably center around your child, which I have the utmost respect for. Now lets take that out of the equation and talk about what YOU deserve. Better than this! If he can't put on his big boy pants and quit striving for the fantasy of greener pastures existing that are better then what he has with you, then do not let the door hit you in the asss on the way out dude.
Let me tell you something else, "keeping his options open", that is a line for single men. He needs to pick an option and be a man and just do what he is going to do. Your marriage is not a convenience until his next urge comes around. It takes a heart of gold and a stomach made of steel to make it through this once. Asking you to swallow your pride and wait to see what he decides again is simply heartless. A man who is given the once in a lifetime gift of forgiveness from a woman he is supposed to love that then turns and tries to double dip fate, thats just a man who has no appreciation for the gift that he has received.
I respect the hell out of you Yellow, love that you had the courage to come on back here and share whats up. Now I am really really hoping that through the firestorm that you survived the first time you have developed a strong enough self image to not tolerate too much here. The way you did things the first time was based on a fool me once situation, I believe there is a great quote out there regarding the whole fool me twice philosophy! Glad to see you yellow, sorry for the suck asss reason why.
All I can say is WOW!!!! Great post!! Yes, those thoughts have entered my mind more than once since this all started way back when. I do grow very tired of it all.
I have learned alot through this crap and you what I am no longer afraid. I am not afraid of being by myself, I know I can make it. There are things I won't tolerate this time. I won't let him run all over me. I know I will not live like this forever and he needs to get his stuff together. I do love him but like you said it was hard enough for all of us the first time around. I was at the breaking point the last time.
I want to give it one last ditch effort on my part not to see my 28 years M go down the drain without trying, but it takes to to make it work.
Believe me nothing surprises me anymore and I am staying one step ahead. I am keeping my OPTIONS OPEN!!! LOL
