Chapter 3 the end? Or new beginning?

[Redo]

[quote=W “They learned to respect each other and listen to each other they weren’t mean. Everything I did was wrong to you with D then you throw in your mother. I have to learn from this so I don’t allow anyone to ever treat me this way again. You think we can make it work; but you have to realize that that I don’t. I can’t go back to feeling that way again. I can’t allow you to treat me that way again. I could never allow D to be hurt that way again. We even have different values on how to raise D”
[/quote]

2Step: wow, that's 90% verbatim of what my wife is just said today. I guess the only brightspot being that we dont have conflicts on how to raise our D (thats because i just gave in and did not fight with my wife on it)

It's my D B-day today. So W picks up the phone and starts venting on how i screwed up things. I start to panic in mind but still keep a calm voice on the phone. I just listened to her vent. Then i feel like cr#p that might be i should have done things differently and might be the M would have survived. But later on i feel that this is how my W is. She always told me that i was the main reason why the M was not working. So finally i just had to accept no matter what, i gotta man up and work on myself to just become a stronger person at-least...

[2stepboogie]

2, so I'm a bidet?!! How ironic that Def Lep came on! Porud of you for sending in the papers. NOT easy but you showed your actions supported your words. You have to proud of yourself for that and for every other milestone that has marked your personal growth and change. Keep up the good work! This bidet is proud! :-)

A bidet for sure! These conversation between W and I have been going on for sometime. She use to say "I don't know H you're saying all the right things but I don't know if I can trust it" That was before the D was filed. My response use to be "I don't know what the right things are. I am just saying how I feel if they happen to be the right thing then great" One thing she did say last night "I think going back or giving you another chance or givin this M another chance would make me weak and a fool. To put myself in that position again" My response was "Well I dissagree. I think that rolling up our sleeves and really doing what needs to be done is not a sign of weakness at all but a sign of strengh. To keep going when everyone would expect you to quit is real courage"

[MichelleLT]

Validating is good. Trying to convince her is not.

It undermines the validation. And tells her her feelings aren't valid.

Whether you agree with it or not, her feelings are her feelings. And there is a reason she feels that way (or many) whether you agree with her or not. Finding things you can agree with her on, validating that it's okay to feel that way does NOT mean you agree with her actions or are encouraging her to leave you, it means you are agreeing it is okay to feel that way and showing unconditional love.

If you can't find anything else to say, some variation "I can see why you feel that way" is always a perfect fall-back.

You are also focusing too much on the negatives. Instead of focusing on the fact that you had a great long heart-to-heart you are focusing on the fact that she still says it can't work.

What does Michele say repeatedly? Ignore EVERYTHING they say and half of what they do.

Her actions show how connected she still is to you. Just because she hasn't tipped the balance point of agreeing to give things another try does not mean it's over. IGNORE when she says stuff like that. You guys aren't even close to being done yet.

Hang in there.

[2stepboogie]

Hey Michelle,

You don't know how bad I needed to hear that. I'll take that 2x4 and say "thank you ma'am can I have another"

You are right sometimes I get so frustrated cause I just want an olive branch thrown my way that I fail to see all the good. Some people have zero contact and even less these kinds of conversations. I am truly blessed. I needed that comment like you would not believe. You always come just in time.

She is calling tonight to confirm the appt for tomorrow. I plan on keeping it short and light specially after last night.

[mj144]

Man, that fool comment from your W hit home. When I had my heart to heart w/ my W on Christmas night. She said virtually the same thing. I think she said idiot instead of fool, though. Wonder how she feels now.

B.I.T.S.

[2stepboogie]

It's my D B-day today. So W picks up the phone and starts venting on how i screwed up things. I start to panic in mind but still keep a calm voice on the phone. I just listened to her vent. Then i feel like cr#p that might be i should have done things differently and might be the M would have survived. But later on i feel that this is how my W is. She always told me that i was the main reason why the M was not working. So finally i just had to accept no matter what, i gotta man up and work on myself to just become a stronger person at-least...

This last week was my D bday party also. A few days prior my W and I spoke and she said damn you H for putting me in this position. Damn you for hurting D this way I just agreed and let it slide

[Redo]

It's my D B-day today. So W picks up the phone and starts venting on how i screwed up things. I start to panic in mind but still keep a calm voice on the phone. I just listened to her vent. Then i feel like cr#p that might be i should have done things differently and might be the M would have survived. But later on i feel that this is how my W is. She always told me that i was the main reason why the M was not working. So finally i just had to accept no matter what, i gotta man up and work on myself to just become a stronger person at-least...

This last week was my D bday party also. A few days prior my W and I spoke and she said damn you H for putting me in this position. Damn you for hurting D this way I just agreed and let it slide

Oh man, i would have had a crying episode (i shamelessly acknowledge) if my W told me that. I guess i have to harden my heart to my wife's up/down emotions. Listen and acknowledge, but don't get caught up in them. Hard to do when i so want her come to back and i feel so much that i'd like to protect her...

[2stepboogie]

Sounds to me like you might need the protecting not her. I do cry. I cry often. When I do I come here. I never cry in front of her. What purpose would that serve?

[Redo]

2step: Yup, i have finally got it through my head that "crying" is very un-attractive to W. I always wore my heart on my sleeve, but i need to do a 180 on that. Yup, i did my crying in front of her for the first 2 days after dropped the D bomb. Now I either sound strong on the phone or at the very least nonchalant.

My family tries to convince me to leave the US and that my W might realize her mistake and miss me once i am out the country. But i don't buy that. I'd rather be closer that i am there when she really needs me

[zengypsy]

Hey 2, just checkin on to see how this BITS is doing!