Stay strong Pickle. I totally relate to almost wanting W to leave NOW so she can go live this fantasy life and I have an easier time moving on with mine. "You said you wanted out ... so get out already"
But, I keep my mouth shut mostly. Anyway, I'm there with you but I haven't had to face an OM situation.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
I'm home today, groggy from anesthesia. Had a routine colonoscopy this AM: my reward for turning 50.
Anywhoo, I've been thinking about the $ impact of the D and it's gonna put a real strain on the whole fam.
So I'm again torn about forcing W out because of the impact on the kids: emotional and financial.
But letting W stay in the home while she conducts her long dist. EA. sends what kind of message to the kids? Of course I have not exposed, so is it moot? (my close friends know though)
What this all boils down to is fear:
fear of having to make ends meet with roughly only half the income, fear of what W's lifestyle will be like when she's D and home, fear of sending the wrong message to everyone about putting up with EA.
It seems as if any way you look at the sitch we all lose. I already put my foot down, so backing down because of $ for the kids would make me "meltyman" and also full of resentment. Looks like I am answering my own question here.
It ucksays to be poor. Because of the precedure I had today and my health insurance deductible, another $1600 has just been added to our combined debt. Add both our atty retainers $2500 + 3500 and you get W's urge to want out of the M costing us all a small fortune.
Anybody got any ideas?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
No real idea Pickle, but I just wanted to say that I don't think you should allow money to be a "major" factor in these decisions because ultimately I think you won't necessarily make the best decisions if you put too much focus on the money.
To be honest I wouldn't I really even thought about it, except that the last R talk I had with my W, she said she's really struggling with her "decision" because she's worried about if/how she will be able to afford to go it on her own.
I guess when she spoke to her sister, that is the biggest concern her sister had...all this makes me worry that more she worries about her lifestyle the less she will be worried about "taking" more from me.
She originally said this was her choice, so she didn't think it was fair that I would lose out financially. So she wouldn't ask for the full child support amount (because she believed it was too much, approx. $1650 a month) and ailmoney because again she doesn't want me to "support her". Once the reality of the whole sitch hits her, she may change her mind in order to maintain her lifestyle at my cost.
My point in all this though, is that you and your W (as much as possible) need to be as clear as possible on the decisons you make, being sure that you are doing what YOU truly believe is right regardless of the money involved.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Your W might think twice once she is in a crummy apt or room by herself - realize all that she is giving up to keep the OM relationship. I read a post that says they won't realize what they have done until they miss you.
I firmly believe that staying in the same home while having OM is cake eating. Also, that will keep her from missing you.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
It probably doesn't apply to everyone, but for me....it was all about freedom. There was nothing in my house that I cared to take with me and I didn't care what crummy place I lived as long as I could get away from H. Crazy, huh? The things that had always meant so much to me suddenly had no value b/c I was a different person.
I guess we can't always say what would work for another person. I think "if" I had ever left my house that my pride would have been very tough to overcome enough to go back. Besides, my H said there would be "no going back home" if I left. Anyway, I didn't leave......and we are still together and OM has loooooong since left the life of this W.
I believe there are some cases that it would be best if the WS was told to leave. It puts everything into perspective real fast. OTOH, I would not advise it unless the LBS knew they could stick to it. Doesn't make a good bluff. (Not that that's what you're suggesting.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
1. I don't see how YOU could possibly have a happy life with a XW living in your home. You need to choose to proceed by determining how YOU can find happiness again for YOURSELF.
2. Your W is NOT going to come to her senses until and unless she gets what she wants, i.e., out of her M to you. Part of that M is sharing a home with you. I can't see any positives coming out of continuing to share your home with an XW... but I can multiple possible positives coming out of giving her what she wants right now... including W possibly, at some point, saying to herself "WTF did I do!" and running back to you. M is a package deal IMO... don't give her part of the package if she doesn't want all of it.
I'm not saying that you give into your fears Pickle. I'm saying that you need to do the thing that will bring you happiness. We only have one shot at this life. Do you want to spend the next 6 years (your son is 12) living with this version of your W... or, possibly, an even worse version?
Just my two cents.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks, everyone. I think I knew all along what I have to do.
Sandi, just curious. You said you were "a different person" when all you cared about was leaving. How did you change or what made you want to stay?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I've been thinking about the $ impact of the D and it's gonna put a real strain on the whole fam.
So I'm again torn about forcing W out because of the impact on the kids: emotional and financial.
I'm thinkin you should take a closer look at this...
Most of the time, when conflicting thoughts are surrounding us...
We tend to look for a crutch to lean on. Something, mostly any lame excuse to not do what is best for ourselves. That fear of the unknown can be paralyzing. And we grasp onto something "known" or what we are used to knowing , so that we don't stare down that barrel....
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
What this all boils down to is fear:
fear of having to make ends meet with roughly only half the income, fear of what W's lifestyle will be like when she's D and home, fear of sending the wrong message to everyone about putting up with EA.
It seems as if any way you look at the sitch we all lose. I already put my foot down, so backing down because of $ for the kids would make me "meltyman" and also full of resentment. Looks like I am answering my own question here.
Yes, it seems you did answer your own question.
If you really look at it...
How much different would you be reacting if she left on her own and you were forced to handle these things on your own ?
Try to remove what her life may or may not look like. Stay inside your own head with these decisions.
I would imagine that you would go into "panic" mode until you formulated a plan. Then things would settle down a bit and you could take a step without that fear.
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
It ucksays to be poor. Because of the precedure I had today and my health insurance deductible, another $1600 has just been added to our combined debt. Add both our atty retainers $2500 + 3500 and you get W's urge to want out of the M costing us all a small fortune.
