Chapter 3 the end? Or new beginning?

[2stepboogie]

Hey thanks eveybody the papers will be in the mail tomorrow.

Update Alert>>>>>>>>>>

W send me a text at midnight and asked if I was still awake, about 45 minutes later I replied.
M “Yep. Was up?”
W “Was going to call u for a min. Are you drunk?”
M “lol no you can call. Are you drunk?”
W “ no”
M “everything ok?”

Then she called.
W “what are you doing?

M “driving back from JC. Roads are ice so I’m driving 5mph”

W “you shouldn’t be talking.”

We talked for about 30 minutes about her job and how much she hates it. How she loves her apartment but can’t wait to quit her job and take the INS job. Then she says “I want to ask you a question and I want your honest answers” M “ok” W “do these conversation give you some kind of hope. Cause I don’t mind talking to you but I don’t want you to have any kind of hope” M “Nah I think what has been decided has been decided” W “ that’s not an answer” M “ No they don’t. You’ll have your papers any day now”
So now the conversation really begins

M “while we are on the subject let me ask you a question”

W “OK”

M “ do you ever feel just maybe we are making a mistake”

W “ I don’t know. Sometimes I get nostalgic sure but then I remember why I left and that gives me strength”

M “I understand that”

W “this always happens.”

M “we can stop the conversation right now if you like. I was simply asking a question since you asked”

W “ I have days when I am angry and want to punch everyone in the face. I have days when I am fine. I have days when I want to cry and I have days I feel nostalgic. But I don’t think we are making the wrong decision. At some point we have to move on.”

M “Oh I agree. I was just curious”

W “The way we were treating each other was not right. You stopped caring long before I did. You stopped hearing me years ago. Yeah you had your good days but you always followed it up by being mean for an entire week. After awhile that wears on you. I think now we don’t even want the same things in life. You want trips to Europe and a nice car and we don’t even have the same dreams or desires. We are two different people. I was happy with a small house and a road trip to KY but you always want big. I am simple. We just don’t have the same vision”

M “I can see how I made you feel that way. It’s funny how I portrayed that image to you. My desire to go to Europe was so that you can see it, I’ve been there already. I guess I really just stopped showing you how I cared for you, or I showed u in a way that you were not feeling”

W “you stopped caring, you stopped being nice. My opinions didn’t matter to you anymore. I fought like hell and there was a time I was madly in love with you. I would of done anything for you. But you didn’t care for me. I tried telling you I tried screaming at you and nothing worked. In public we were the couple everybody wanted to be. Sure. Because if I didn’t act happy you would have a fit when we got home.”

M “ I see how I made you feel that way. I don’t think our values really changed I think what changed was my inability to show you that I cared and that I loved you. I failed at really doing the things that mattered to you because I thought that the same things that mattered to you also mattered to you. It’s funny how most M end within the 7-10 yr mark. I guess at that point is when people lose those butterflies and really start to see the partner for what they are. It begins with small things and then it just escalates until we can’t stand each other anymore. I am curious though. What about those marriages that make it to 15,20, even 30 years. What do they know that we didn’t?

W “They learned to respect each other and listen to each other they weren’t mean. Everything I did was wrong to you with D then you throw in your mother. I have to learn from this so I don’t allow anyone to ever treat me this way again. You think we can make it work; but you have to realize that that I don’t. I can’t go back to feeling that way again. I can’t allow you to treat me that way again. I could never allow D to be hurt that way again. We even have different values on how to raise D”

M “Oh I agree. Getting back together and repeating the same thing over and over is a recipe for disaster. I could never allow myself to repeat that not with you not with anybody. I believe the couples that make it are the ones who chose to make it. Those are the ones that have walked this path and have seen three options. Accept their fate to be miserable. Divorce, or roll up their sleeves and get to work on their marriage”

W “I did roll up my sleeves you were just absent. Now you want to do all the work but I can’t. I tried H I really did. I just can’t allow myself to get hurt that way again”

M “I know I agree with you. You must of felt very uncomfortable and that is something I regret. It’s funny I feel as if I know you better now than I ever did. I get it. I understand you even though we are apart I understand you much better than I ever did. I guess sometimes it takes a really big blow to actually learn the lesson.”

W “You sound deflated”

M “LOL nah not really”

W “ Well it’s getting late I will call you tomorrow night to let you know about my schedule for the session. I don’t mind if you’re on the call. “

M “ok goodnight”

We spoke for a little over an hour I even read a page from the 5 Love Languages about loving someone being a choice and that is why I have chosen not to be angry. Anyways it was a lot and I am sorry it was so long. I am sure you guys will dissect the conversation and I am sure I made a lot of mistakes here. Sometimes she gives me an opening and I take it. At some point I have to stop the agreeing and give her a different perspective.

[sandi2]

I think you handled it very well and it seem that it was something both of you wanted to get off your chest.

[Truegritter]

Hold up. I'm confused.
I thought the whole goal of this website was to "bust" a divorce?

Of course that is the goal and the techniques taught here give the best shot at bringing a M back together.

When we first get here that is our only goal.

Some people will reconcile and begin the harder part of piecing their M back together.

I would venture to say for me if my W came back to me early in this process I would not be the person I am today.

Likely I would have fell back to my old ways of viewing M, love and life. And likely not a better M.

It is quite ironic really that choosing to face this tragedy in spite of the choices your spouse makes, really helps you find compassion, understanding and love...and makes you a better person for your spouse or anyone you decide to share your life with.

At least for me, the opportunity to learn what that means for me.

It is, in the end, the only thing YOU control.

You can choose to be bitter because someone chose something you didn't want or

NOT.

It is all up to you.

[2stepboogie]

We've had these conversation before the difference was I was a lot more needy then. I wanted us to get back together right then and there. This time I just got stuff off my chest without pressuring her. Either way it's nice we talk bit I just don't see her changing her mind.

I'm also a little sick of the blame thing to tell you the truth. It use to kill me inside to think I hurt her so much but man! All I ever did was try and make this woman happy!! Vacations! Yeah she is simple and doesn't need a lot but I don't remember her complaining when I gave her tickets to the Bahamas as an anniversary gift. Every decision we tried to make we tried to make together and she always seemed to go along with a smile. It just seems that in her head she has developed this image of me that I think is unfair. She is pretty convinced!!

[2stepboogie]

Well I just mailed the papers. Pray for me bits and bidets!!! Just got in my car turned the radio on and guess what song came on.....love bites lol and who says God doesn't have a sense of humor!!

[what next?]

It's crazy how much your wife sounds like mine. I think when she asked if you had expectations she was testing you. Maybe she wanted an excuse to get out of the call but you didn't give her one. My wife said the same exact things... I want to go to Jamaica and all she wants to do is go see family in Texas.

In her mind everything good has to be explained in a negative way (in my opinion.) So good memories get spun into "he wouldn't let me do what I really wanted to do..." Now they don't have to deal with the good times that they had. My wife had a laundry list of things that she thought separated us from our taste in music (which is actually very similar for the most part) to our levels of risk aversion in life in general lol.

I think that your wife was testing you again. I know mine was doing this now that I look back. Before we separated she was always worried about sending "mixed signals".. she didn't want to show any affection towards me and when she did it was sincere and made her feel that much more confused.

I have done everything to speed up this process so that she can understand that the choice is hers. She says that she isn't stalling to think but our divorce could have been final two months ago. I'm sure that a big part is the attorney wanting to eat up the retainer and with me not fighting anything she is having to get creative in ways to bill my wife but either way I don't think my wife wants to deal with the finality of it. At one point she said she "just wants to get a divorce and move on." Earlier she had texted my sister and I and said "I just want the pain to end for everyone." Both of our wives will have to realize that signing the papers won't do anything to resolve the pain but I'm convinced that my wife has to go through the process to see for herself.

I wish that I could get my wife to start reaching out to me but that hasn't happened yet. I'm so ready to try and bust out my new skills dealing with her lol. Oh well, more time just means more studying for me!

[Denver_2010]

Wow 2Step... that seriously could have been a conversation had bw my W and I. EVERYTHING was so just like us. I got choked up just reading it. I wish that I had understood how I was hurting my W a long time ago. Regret hurts like hell.

You db'd the conversation really well though. Listened and validated. Nice job.

BITS
Denver

[zengypsy]

2, so I'm a bidet?!! How ironic that Def Lep came on! Porud of you for sending in the papers. NOT easy but you showed your actions supported your words. You have to proud of yourself for that and for every other milestone that has marked your personal growth and change. Keep up the good work! This bidet is proud! :-)

[zengypsy]

I think you handled it very well and it seem that it was something both of you wanted to get off your chest.

I think you did a phenom job. Kudos!

[zengypsy]

I need to work on the validation piece more. Maybe you BITS can help with that!