Hoping to find some peace

[Redo]

Just found Michele's website and these forums by accident and they have been godsend...

My wife and i were married for 11 years in december. She was born and raised in the US while I came to the US for studies. During our marriage we did have our issues mostly due to cultural and communicative differences. Unfortunately for me, my parents always fought and i grew up not knowing how to resolve disputes. I always panicked and looped out when we had an argument. Over the years it became better. We had our Daughter in '08 and things went south when my parents visited. It was the usual in-laws bickering but in my case i emotionally checked out. Wife never forgave me for that. I tried to make amends (buy emotionally growing up) but to do it myself was like working on rocket-science with only basic math knowledge. I kept tripping and falling but kept up optimism until '09 when wife left for 6 months. It was devastating to have missed out on my daughter's walking age. But i kept the faith and slowly tried to woo her back. She came back in August. I felt like was in heaven. But i also did a mistake of falling into daddy chores and neglected my personal emotional development. In '10 we celebrated our 10 years of marriage by going to the Caribbean. Life was a good even though we had lil spats during our trip. Later my dad had a heart surgery and i planned on visiting my family in December. Through '10 we discussed how we should try marriage counseling and improve our communications. I was thrilled that my wife was okay with it. So comes december and i am in India visiting my family and on Jan3rd, 2011 my grandfather passes away. That evening i call up my wife to tell her the news. I guess what she told me next will be imprinted in mind for a while...she told me that she filed for a divorce....

My reality has crashed since then. I have always wondered...How would someone feel if they had to make a 24hr flight journey to meet their loved ones after a death. What would run through the minds for those 24 hours wile you are forced into a 2'x2' space. Well now i know. I knew that my marriage died and i flew back to the US to take care of the requisite legal matters.

My wife gave me several reasons for the divorce. I spent days trying to figure out where i went wrong. I am sure my emotional weakness played a big part in her decision.

I feel horrible that i have to continue life's journey without her and my baby daughter. I have not yet come to terms with reality yet.

I thought that by putting this out there, i might be a able to feel a little better....hopefully.

Thanks for reading.

[dbmod]

^bumping newbie to keep on first page for responses

[sandi2]

Sorry you have this pain in your life. There are many good folks here on the DB Board. Post often and you will find support.

Have you read Divorce Remedy?

[Redo]

I have been reading lots of posts on this nice forum. No i have not read Divorce remedy. Is it a book?

I just got back to the US on Jan22nd. I am having to deal with this issue and trying to sync up with my work as i don't want to lose my job too. That would definitely be a double whammy.

I guess what's being hard is that i have 0 family in the US. The only family i had was my wife's who right now are in 0 contact.

I took the courage to call up my mother-in-law to talk about the whole thing. I guess they have reached a point where they are letting my wife do what she wants right now.

-----------------------
M-35
W-32
DD (3 years old)
Married-11 years
Big D-1/03/11
-----------------------

[Redo]

This friday my W and my SIL came and took away everything that belonged to her and my D. I was scared to come home. It was a nightmare. A half empty house. Our daughter's room was picked clean. My W and I spent 1 week decorating that room. I just sat in that room and cried and cried. I am now unable to enter that room.

Al my W clothes were gone too. everything that was hers was gone...

This weekend has been horrible. I spent 48hours in my room scared to venture out and see the empty home.

I am so tempted to call up my W and ask her to read this website. Might be she might change her mind on going through with the divorce. Then i back off thinking that it might backfire.

Sometimes i am pumped up about GAL and pursuing her again. Then i get depressed about things have progressed and all my enthusiasm evaporates.

My W is already setup at her mom's place, taking some courses, looking for job etc.

My daughter's B-day is this week. W asked me if i'd like to come on the weekend. I said No. I am scared that i will breakdown and cry if i see my daughter. Can someone here give me some feedback on this?

My family tells me to stop crying and move on. I just unable to do that. I love my W very much and would love for us to be a family again.

Help!

[zengypsy]

MK- so sorry for your pain and heartache.

It's a tough time but you will get thru it. All your friends in this forum are here to help you. Divorce Remedy is a book by Michele. It was written after DB and it's been a God send. Pretty much the same content just more info on MLC, Infidelity etc. VERY insightful.

You can't ask you wife to read DB or DR nor can you ask her to come this forum. She will resist BIG time. You are pursuing. HUGE do not do. Try a 180, doing something different to engage her in a diff reaction. Remember that if what you were doing before isn't working, it's never going to work. Focus on getting stronger, become the greener grass and give her space. Space in not your enemy; it can be your saviour. You will be in in for bumpy ride. This whole thing will play on your emotions 24/7.

Don't listen to your family. It's so easy for everyone to tell you to just walk away. Tell them you will move on but not give up. Your not a quitter.

Praying for you with peace and hugs - ZG

[Redo]

Thanks ZG: Thanks y'all for the support.

Yea, i need to listen to my heart. Seems like the deadline of the big D is gaining me and i guess am reacting to with some urgency. But i guess i'll have to slow down and see how things roll and i do my job at DBing.

I guess if the worst does happen (D), then i guess i'll just have to court her again and re-marry her
I just hope my heart holds out...

[Redo]

Journaling:

I just had a Epiphany...I sorta understand why wife decided on a D after 11 years of our marriage. For her this is what i had become.

1: A weak person who could not deal with relationship's problems and turned to her for support and comfort.

2: A person who was unable to make a decision and stick with it come bad or good.

3: Someone who was not strong in accepting what life threw at him and be happy...but instead kept wanting more and made himself unhappy.

4: Someone who's convictions were so weak that he waivers, gets depressed and cannot pull himself out of it...

My W wanted a lion of a husband, not a cat. Unfortunately for us, I turned out to be a mouse!!(at-least when it came to our R)

Oddly, these were the major issues about me in our marriage. Especially true after our D's birth and our families got into arguments. I was always nice to her. But i was not a happy person myself and i guess i brought her down. I was unable to stand up to her nor my parents. I let myself get squished in the middle...

I need to own up my issues and improve...And only hope that she sees these changes some day...

[Redo]

need some help today. Feeling like sh*t

It was my daughters 3rd Bday today. Called up and wished her. She was so excited. I really loved talking to my daughter and hearing her cute voice.

Then my W took the phone and started venting. Like if i even know how bad their situation is. That i never decided to get myself out of my depression and decided to hang on there. Like how i never sought any help. She said that she could not stay with the person i was. That she did not care what i could become. Initially tried to answer her questions. But later i stopped and just listened. Then she finally hung up.

My world just crashed after that. Somehow was hoping that my wife could say that we should try again to see if we can get back. But instead my wife just took out all her frustrations.

I dunno. I was really optimistic about sticking with my M and pursuing my W. But I am now heartbroken that she's harboring such resentment towards me. I am feeling that i am just loosing all hope in this effort.

I am sorry. I felt pretty bad and had to put it out somewhere...

[MrBond]

MK,

First off, pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy pronto and start reading it.

Second, it seems like she had a list of things she was frustrated about. Could you list them here or at least what she said?

When interacting with your spouse, the first thing you must do is validate what they say. Divorce Remedy talks about it extensively. This means agreeing that you understand they are feeling a certain way. This DOESN'T mean you agree with WHAT they are saying. Got it?

Next, start doing things to boost your own self-esteem. Start that up right away. If you need the support, come on here and post often. We're here for you.