Lost, hurt and scared ...

[MeMyselfandI]

Good day yesterday. Productive day at work, elliptical in the morning when I woke, track at lunch for an hour and then, track with the kids in the evening for an hour. Likely did about 15 kms total walking and wow, does it ever help to lift the spirits, maitain PMA, not to mention the health benefits.

Feeling good today and looking forward to a similar day. No contact with H and don't have to see him till Friday at kid's hockey game. Aside from a passing thought here and there, out of sight, out of mind seems to do well for me.

I do have a question to do with his family that I will post later. Just something that I'm not quite sure how to handle and that has been bothering me slightly but don't have time to post right now.

[MeMyselfandI]

Good day again yesterday, similar to the day before with the addition of some practice in a sport that I'm competitive in for a National qualifier that I have coming up in a couple of weeks.

Some irony yesterday, I have now had my kids for almost two weeks, (usually we swap week by week but have had to make adjustments due to my travel schedule the past while - I'll be gone again next week for the week). Anyway, I was noticing how much more peaceful the kids are this second week in comparison to the usual with the weekly swap. They generally show up at my place, exhausted, cranky and out of sorts so to speak and last week was considerably worse after the airport incident). But this second week, they have been themselves, less fighting and bickering and just generally more peaceful. Yesterday morning, I asked them what they thought about the 2 week swap versus the one week. My S said he loved it, he was more settled, etc. My D said she didn't, it was just too long.

The ironic part is that I got a text, clear out of the blue from H yesterday afternoon - he never texts unless it's something urgent that needs to be dealt with right away.

H: Sorry, I was being a smart a$$ and didn't totally catch what time us said you wanted me to pick up kids Sunday? And, FYI, I don't like 2 weeks.

I know he hadn't talked to the kids 'cause they were in school all day so I found it funny that he was obviously thinking about the two week thing too. I also know that this wasn't an urgent matter and have a funny feeling the no contact may be taking a bit of a toll ... so I waited for three hours to repond, (for all he knows, I could have been in meetings all day). I texted back.

M: 11 am or so if that's ok. I can understand your feelings on the 2 weeks.

H: Yep that's fine with me. Just mentioned that cause I think I'd like to avoid it as much as possible for future.

I didn't respond to his last message because I didn't think a response was necessary. Really, we do avoid it as much as possible; however, sometimes my work travel schedule is not conducive to the weekly swap and I believe doing two weeks is less disruptive for the kids rather than two days here, three days there, etc.

Looking forward to another good day, no contact and feeling more detached every day ... the more I GAL, the better I feel. Thank you to everyone who drives this into our thick skulls with a four inch nail!

[MeMyselfandI]

What a great night and day so far today. Sorry, I'm going to ramble a bit and BRAG about my wonderful kids to anyone who will listen.

I have been letting my kids walk home after school on a trial basis the last week to see how they make out (D turns 11 next week and S is 10 in April). We live in a small, safe community and their school is less than a five minute walk from the house. Usually, they would take the school bus to my office and fight from the minute they walk through the door and continue fighting for about the first hour at home.

Well, yesterday was a real shock for me. They get out of school early on Thursdays so they were home for over an hour alone before I arrived. I was a little worried about what I might find when I got home and as I pulled into my driveway, I noticed that half of the built up snow on my driveway had been chipped away. It was a nice surprise as it's been something that I've been meaning to get to but the weather has been too cold.

I was then greeted at the door by both S & D and they lead me up to my bedroom (had to close my eyes of course). I arrived to a note on my bed signed by both of them, telling me they had cleaned the house, vacuumed everywhere, chipped half of the driveway and got their lunch bags cleaned out and ready for the next day and they had both eaten dinner! What a pleasant surprise. I'm so blessed to have two wonderful kids!

So, with no chores to do, we headed to the track for an hour and then I drove them over to a friends to go ice-skating on their outdoor rink. I also participate competitively in a sport that I have been practicing quite dillegently for as I have an upcoming National qualifier in a couple of weeks. So, while they were skating, I went to practice and played extremely well. Then home to bed with a warm fuzzy feeling.

Oh yeah, had to text H as D wanted a particular pair of PJs for PJ Day at school today and they were at his house. Simply asked him if we could pick up or he could drop off and he said he was just about to go to hockey so he'd drop off. Sent back saying thanks and if we weren't home, he could just leave on fence by gate (we weren't and he did).

So far today, elliptical, track and work. Kids have a hockey game tonight ... OW may be there but there is nothing getting me down now. I'm feeling great!

[courageous wife]

Hi FSA!

Your kids sound awesome! You definitely should be proud of them!

Best of luck to you in the upcoming qualifier! And for the hockey game tonight!

Have a great weekend!

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks Courageous, I am very proud of them! They won their hockey game last night 4 - 2 (empty net goal with one second left scored by my D). Myself and the moms I was sitting with laughed and joked the entire game, especially in the last 10 seconds when my D had the puck and I kept saying "shoot, shoot the puck" and she kept holding on, looking at the clock like a smart a$$, probably wondering how close to the buzzer she could get her goal. We all had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard.

Before the game started, all the mom's were standing around chatting and one of them said to me "Full, have you been losing weight? You look absolutely fantastic!" Talk about spirit lifter. I told her I had been walking and wa in training for my national qualifier.

Now, on to H & OW. They were both there and when I walked in, H was standing at bank machine and OW, was wandering around and said something to him about where did they go? I'm assuming she was talking about the family that she is nanny for. I walked right on by like I didn't even notice either one of them existed.

H did not sit with her during the game, although close by. After the game, I went down to the dressing room and a bunch of us parents were waiting to get in after the post game talk. H came down and was standing down the hall a bit with OW. When it was time, we all entered the dressing room and I was helping my S get his skates off when H walked in. I was friendly and upbeat and told him that I had been letting the kids walk home this week on a "trial basis" and they had done really well. I also told him about them cleaning the house, vacuuming and chipping the driveway and he said "I noticed that". I'm assuming he meant when he came to drop off my D's pjs the night before. Anyway, he looked at me, kinda like a deer in the headlights look when I was speaking to him. He has always thought I was the jealous type and I think maybe me having no reaction to whatever it is that he has going on with the OW is completely throwing him for a loop. I ended it by saying "they have had a really great week!"

Well, off to the track shortly, then hockey practice where again, both H & OW should be. PMA baby ... "as if"!

[MeMyselfandI]

Haven't posted in a couple of days as I'm out of town on duty travel. So, here are the updates:

Saturday, S and I were going to go to track before hockey practice but got sidetracked. When we arrived at the rink, H wasn't there yet. I was down in dressing room helping S get dressed when H showed up and asked him if he was staying for practice, if he would mind dropping the kids off at the track after they were done. He agreed, I thanked him, gave son a quick kiss good bye and off I went. Didn't see OW there anywhere either and the boy who she is nanny for was already there with his dad. I had a great two hour walk before H showed up with D. As I came around the track, they were standing at the window waiting for me. H told me S had already gone to his sleepover and I would need to bring his stuff to him. I again thanked him for dropping D off and then asked D if she wanted to come on track or if she wanted to go. She wanted to go so I said OK and went into the dressing room while she said good bye to her D.

Within 5 minutes of D and I getting home, H called to ask if he could borrow her microphone for a hockey team, (his team) meeting that he was having at his house that night. He came by the house about 10 minutes later to pick it up. I was wiping down the cooktop and we had some small chit chat about house things and I asked him if he was still good to get the kids at 11 the next morning which he was.

He called again a couple hours later and was talking to D. Next thing I knew, she handed the phone to me and he wanted to talk about the two week swap thing. We had a brief conversation in which he indicated he didn't like it. I explained what I had observed with the kids and that they were far more settled this week and had a really great week. I also told him that I had asked them both what they thought about it before he even mentioned it and that S loved it, D hated it. We didn't really resolve anything by the end of the conversation and he was going to see how he feels after his two weeks with the kids and we will also discuss again with the kids and take it from there.

Sunday morning, he sends me a text saying he will be over about 10 after 11. Then he calls at 11 and tells me his vehicle has just died and he'll be a few minutes late. He shows up about 11:30. I tell him that he can use my vehicle while I'm away if he wants, he just has to keep an eye on a couple of things that are wrong with it but he is more than welcome. He asks questions about what is wrong with my van and I tell him that I'll likely be looking for a new vehicle in the near future as the repairs are going to cost about $2K. He then tells me his vehicle is fine, he just ran out of gas and his second vehicle was blocked in as one of the guys on his hockey team left his truck overnight. He thanks me for the offer and then tells me I can always use one of his vehicles if my van dies. I say good bye to D and off they go.

I realize, right after they leave that he has left my S's boots in the garage so I send him a text giving him my door code to get into the house so he can come and pick them up that I was off to the airport.

Monday, I get an email from him regarding kid's hockey game on Tuesday which was kinda funny since he knows I'm not around. I didn't respond. Then, I get a second email with the subject line: soccer pictures and an argument starter. As it turns out, he sent me a bunch of pictures of the kids playing soccer and then asked my thoughts about a new hockey camp proposal that is being put forward by someone who he knows I have absolutely no respect for and do not want the kids involved in anything to do with this guy, (who also happens to be H's boss). Anyway, after a few exchanges, I tell him I need some time to think more about it as it is a three year commitment and quite a substanial financial commitment as well. I go on to explain that we have all become accustomed to a lifestyle of a dual-income family and we no longer have that luxury and I just want to be realistic. He agrees that "money is tighter, a lot tighter now." Everytime I answered his emails, I thought the conversation was done and he'd send something back always with a question that I would have to answer so the emails were going back and forth most of the day and there was quite a bit of joking on his part.

Then he goes on to tell me that D has finally decided on her B-day party (her B-day is Thursday). She is going to have 5 friends sleepover at D's house on Friday and they are going to go to dinner. He says I am welcome to be there for any/all of it, just let him know what I would like to do. I respond saying I'll likely go to the dinner part of her party. He writes back asking when I get back on Friday and will I be there in time for their hockey game.

We also got on the topic of her b-day presents and he asked if I had her present yet. I told him that I had some of it but I was going to buy her some bras as she wants some "pretty ones". He writes back saying he won't comment on the bras but if she wants them it's better that I buy them rather than him. I respond laughing and tell him that she's been wearing bras for about 8 months. He writes back saying ... not at my house ... she is a boy over there.

I didn't respond. About an hour later, he calls my cell but I was out for dinner so didn't answer. Then he sends me a text asking if they can go into my house to get the cupcake carrier. I respond saying yes, go ahead and tell him where it is. This is a bit change from how I was before as I didn't want him in my house at all, let alone would I allow him to go in there without me being home.

So, some positive baby steps I think. He is definitely making more contact although I still haven't reached my goal of having him contact me for something other than business/kids.

[MeMyselfandI]

Just another quick update. Got another text from H late last night and didn't see it till this morning so needless to say I didn't respond. I have an electronic lock on my door and had given him the code to get into the house to get the cupcake carrier.

H: Had a hell of a time getting in, changed batteries for you in the lock, barely had enough juice to turn lock. But got case, thank u

So, I had someone go and check on my house earlier in the day, before H went over, (since I'm outta town and it's cold, I have friends go in to run some water and flush toilets, etc. so they don't freeze) and they had no problems with the lock. To me, H LOVES helping people and bends over backwards to do things for others. As I mentioned in an earlier thread, he has always been like this and his LL is Words of Affirmation. So, maybe I should have responded thanking him for changing the batteries, but at the same time, I'm trying to only respond to messages when necessary and I didn't think this was ... so confusing sometimes.

Anyway, at least I don't think I backslid so I'm just gonna roll with it. I've been busy and detached as well so although I did think briefly about what I should have done this morning, I haven't given it much further thought until I just posted this now ... over 24 hours after I received the message.

[MeMyselfandI]

Uggh, OK, so I'm in transit on my way back home and have to update. Today, I receive another email from H regarding this hockey proposal for our kids. Email is titled "3 year contract" and it contains, literally, a contract to be signed off by both parents committing to three years of this hockey program, as I mentioned, worth a substantial amount of money but there are so many other issues I have with it.

I have responded, twice, and once I feel I can organize my thoughts and put it all down I will. Right now, I'm feeling a little deflated, very detached and not willing to stand but rather to run and protect my kids from the craziness! Very tired right now after a long flight and another coming tomorrow morning but will put down some details over the weekend and hopefully you wonderful people on this board can help stop my spinning head!

[MeMyselfandI]

Back home and a quick update. I think I did ok with the kid's hockey contract thing, expressed my thoughts on it and refused to sign them up. It went over better than I anticipated.

Now, on to the next saga. Man this stuff is hard! I went to kid's hockey game tonight, (they are in a tournament this weekend). Following that, Dad is having a b-day sleepover party for our D at his house. He invited me to attend whatever parts I would like but I said it was ok, she likely just wanted to spend time with her friends so I would take her out for dinner or something another time. Well, lo and behold, when we are leaving the rink, OW gets in his truck with him, our D and her friends ... apparently, she has gone to my D's party. It hurt, in fact, it put a knife right through my heart! He claims the kids are the most important thing in the world to him, he knows our D is not ok with this situation, yet he can't put OW aside for one night to let my D have the night she deserves for her b-day.

I sent him a text just saying Really??? I'm not sure if he knows I saw her get in the vehicle. He wrote back saying Really what??? I just responded never mind.

I need to calm down before I say or do something that I will regret. This simply [censored].

[courageous wife]

Hi FSA

So sorry you had to see OW get in the truck with them...we can handle them hurting us but when they do something to hurt our kids...grrr!

It is good to come here and vent!