Take this pink ribbon off my eyes I'm exposed And it's no big surprise Don't you think I know Exactly where I stand This world is forcing me To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little ol' me Don't let me out of your sight I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite So don't let me have any rights Oh ... I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside So many reasons For me to run and hide I can't do the little things I hold so dear 'Cause it's all those little things That I fear
'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be 'Cause they won't let me drive Late at night I'm just a girl
Guess I'm some kind of freak 'Cause they all sit and stare With their eyes I'm just a girl Take a good look at me Just your typical prototype Oh... I've had it up to here I Oh... am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl I'm just a girl In the world... That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity Your rule of thumb Makes me worry some I'm just a girl, what's my destiny? What I've succumbed to Is making me numb I'm just a girl ... my apologies What I've become is so burdensome I'm just a girl, lucky me Twiddle-dum there's no comparison
Oh...I've had it up to! Oh...I've had it up to! Oh...I've had it up to here
me thinkith h will speak acts of service till the cows come home and only acts of service unless somehow forced or coerced to speak differently.
after the other nights conversation/argument..there was no resolve..there was no time spent together..I don't recall getting a hug however I do recall h making me tea and today he had my car detailed but now is off to buddies house to watch the game.
I dunno? sure I appreciate the acts of service and say thank you very much...but heeellllloooooo??? is there anybody home? doesn't he hear me? doesn't he get it? I dunno?
h's love languages apear to be...words of affirmation (sent primarily via third person...ie...hey didn't momma do a good job cooking dinner..mamma always cooks great stuff doesn't she, or take your shoes off mamma just cleaned the floor) only occassionaly does mamma get a direct compliment...
and acts of service...to h that check he cuts himself at the end of the week is for us and it makes him happy to do it (hmmm isn't that a bit for him since he enjoys it so much and enjoys the way it makes him feel to provide? ok I'll shut up now) here's a better example...he took my car to have it cleaned, sometimes he'll do the dishes...however this isn't one he always follows through on cause there is plenty that he doesn't do...guess he just has to be in the mood to be helpful or rather chooses his acts according to his whim...sometimes he'll help fold some laundry...other times he'll just pick out HIS stuff and leave all the rest to me...
I dunno...I just dunno....
I guess I'm supposed to take h's getting my car cleaned today as meaning something??? does it really mean anything at all though?? he got my car cleaned while he wasn't living here and didn't love me and didn't want to be with me and was sure that he had really always been in love with ow??? so why can't I have what he gave to her??? why can't I have the quality time? the lunch dates? the possible dinner dates (oh ya I forgot I don't have a h at home to watch the kids so I can go out with him) it just doesn't seem fair to me that she got those things and his explenation for why he is not that way with me is becuase that wasn't real??? well part of it had to be....he must have enjoyed "shooting the sh!t" (ow's words to sil) and laughing etc...why not with me? cause I'm just the wife?
will this ever end?
what the heck am I to do?
can I run away?
can I just shake him?
can I just click my heals three times and return to the place where I had started to believe "that's just the way I am" cause I really am having a hard time believing the "that's just the way I am" doesn't have anything to do with "that's just the way I am WITH YOU"
I've been reading your threads and know you are really struggling. Having H at home, at times, appears to be more difficult than when they were the WAS, doesn't it?
I spoke with keepmvn4wrd. I am 1 1/2 yrs. post bomb now and I am finally at the point where I am ready to either call it quits or take keepmvn4wrd's advice. I am choosing the advice before I make known I have no more rope to hold on to.
Cutting to the chase: What I see/read is that you REALLY need to DETATCH. H needs to miss you or feel like he might lose you. H needs to go thru the same growth you have gone thru. You need to not let H's attitude/actions negatively influence you so much. Easy for me to say, right?
I really want you to feel better. Keep venting here. I do believe you would feel better if you went back to detatching and let your H persue you.
detachment was already achived during seperation....was hoping upon h's return that the initial stages of reconnecting would continue but knew that things would simmer...just didn't expect to end up exactly where we were pre disclosure of ow and pre bomb.
at a loss...
detaching sure was easy while h wasn't living here...sure it was a bit hard to sleep sometimes but I think that was more out of anxiety of what will happen to me and the kids...I knew very well that we would be provided for (h's family would never allow him to screw over me and the kids for anything) it was more a fear of...well how the heck am I gonna do this with two little ones..thoughts of step parents and split holidays just drove me nuts..not to mention pondering how the heck would I go out on a date without letting the kids see? ( no sense in introducing them to any joe, ya know)
I am dissapointed that h plummeted back to his old ways and doesn't see any need to change...perhaps my letting him back was a mistake...I probably should have been a real bitch and made him earn his way back...but I was blind and was fooled by his giving me what I wanted and feeding me lines like "this is the way you wanted me to be maybe I'll be this way from now on" well he was that way for a few months and then poof back to that guy who if it weren't for the kids I don't think I'd have been phased much at his leaving.
it's been far to long for me just catching the crumbs...and it doesn't seem to matter what I do...
detach?
how far do I need to go...cause if I detach anymore there'll be nothing left at all.
Quote: I probably should have been a real bitch and made him earn his way back...
That's what Keep says to do. I struggle with that too. LBS just wants WAS HOME, ASAP. We should not make it too easy for them. Now that your H is home.
You are at the end of your rope, so how about some boundaries. What do you have to lose??? Why don't you get intouch with KEEP and or others and make and set your boundaries.
I have not gotten to that stage yet, but I bet Keep and/or others could help with that!
