Thank you for your genuine interest in your responses. I greatly appreciate it. I hope by giving more insight to my sitch that I will answer your questions.
The underlying problem in our marriage is that we come from two completely different backgrounds. My parents D when I was in fifth grade. Mom is/was drank herself into depression and Dad had us walking on eggshells and fixed everything by yelling. Wife comes from 180 of that. Big in numbers, very tight emotionally, talks problems out. We were The Simpsons, they were The Waltons.
Growing up in the atmosphere I developed the ability to make light of the situation. I was very outgoing, very funny and great to be around. I could work a room better than anybody I knew. This is what drew my wife to me. We date, we marry and we have first child. Things change from there.
We never come to an agreement on how to raise the kids. I drew from what I knew, they do something wrong I yell at them. They don't listen, they get spanked. Demand respect. She says kids will be kids. As long as they are not setting house on fire they are fine. Never yell, never spank! Earn respect. This along with a stressful job and hours I was working, her determination to interact with her family like she did before we were married and my reluctance to give into her family (I believe I did this because I was jealous of what she had growing up that I didn't) and the way that we were both changing caused us to start to drift apart.
What changes? I became more introverted, alienated my friends and family, fuse got shorter with wife and kids and one that caused the most problems was I started to worry about what others thought of me. By that I mean when were out as a family (movie, dinner, vacations, etc) I would not allow the kids to be kids. I demanded that they behave because I did not want other people around me to think I was not doing my job and being a bad parent. She begins to change also, shorter fuse with kids, not as happy and outgoing as she was, negative a lot of time, and blames me for these changes in her. Her words are that my constant negativity has rubbed off on her and to a degree she is right.
So to try and fix these problems we try different methods. Two MC but each time we go we only focus on how we are with kids, we do not try to fix us! I go to different DR and am diagnosed depressed, bi-polar and manic depressive and am given different mind altering drugs to correct problems. I use mental health as crutch and believe magic pill will solve all problems. These are quick fixes that do not work. Wife becomes extremely frustrated and begins thinking of D last year. Took full time job to try and change things up and in June an episode happens that gets this ball rolling. Family goes to movies, kids are bad, I lose my temp, huge fight in front of kids, and wife kicks me out of house for week. Wife says she wants D, I say over my dead body, I will not put kids through what I went through. She says Trial Separation, I say nope! If I leave I will not get back in. I beg my way back in with I will change and set myself up to see DR. Go to DR get magic pill, he tells me and wife that this will cure all, it doesn’t five months later it is back to the way it was. Wife decides that I can't change; I am who I am and begin talking to lawyer about D. December I come to understanding that what we have is not working. Wife and I have no emotional contact and we are roommates and married. I tell myself either fix it or give her D. I decide to fix it. I do not tell her about my thoughts but believe that if I fix myself with kids, I get her back. I start taking interest in kids and wife. No fighting or yelling. Try to be happy about everything. (Keep in mind that I didn't find DB yet and didn't look up anything online, just tried what I thought was best) Wife had already talked to her mom about the D and after two weeks of my changes she went to her mom and told her that I must know what is going on because I am kissing her ***. She confronts me and I tell her that we are not happy and I am trying to fix it. I feel as if I am making progress but I realize now that I made errors. I didn't research or ask for help and I kept wife in the dark. By doing this I didn't see that I was falling into old patterns and all my hard work was undone by one argument. So here we are....
When bomb is dropped I react different. I understand that what we have is not healthy and that a change needs to be made. I agree that separation is needed and pack a few bags and move to family. I then proceed to make things worse. E-mails, texts, phone calls, lunch invites and so on. I also keep exact routine with kids; When I was still in house, in morning we would split who takes who and in afternoon I would pick oldest up from school and wife would get home few hours later. After I move out I continue to do this only when I pick them up I bring back to my mom's house and wfie gets them a few hours later. This went on for two nad half weeks. At dinner on Thursday she tells me that everything has been great because it has been the same! Only difference is that at night when kids go to bed I am not there.
We have the dinner and like I said thinks look good. I had kids for the weekned and like I said when I drop them off there is my stuff.
-The waiting period in my state is 60 days. As of now I have not been served with papers but that could just be cause of the weather.
-All of my belongings have been removed from the master bedroom and placed into tubs in the garage. She has totally redone the master bathroom and got all new pillows and blankets for the bedroom. Except for a few items hanging in the closet I have been removed from that room.
-When I saw my stuff in the tubs I got defensive and questioned her motives. She got defensive and began telling me that I need to focus on myself and quit worrying about her. I asked what about our conversation at dinner and she said that I can't change in three weeks and I need to start to accept the D. I told her I didnt want the clothes, she said she didnt want the kids to know that my clothes were packed into tubs.
My good 180's:
1. Not one time since I have been out of house have I lost temper or yelled at kids. All talk when they do things wrong. No spank or timeout yet.
2. When I have kids make an effort to find things to do outside of house (movie, resturante, church, drum museum, mall) and have sut my brain off during those times to allow kids to have fun. Not one time did anybody get any sense that hey did something wrong.
3. Tried to GAL by hanging with brothers and started going bowling by myself after work to stop just sitting in house being miserable.
4. Found a new counselor that I like and just talking about my sitch. no drugs.
After this weekned I have tried to go somewhat dark. I do not call her unless it is about the kids and when I talk to the kids I do not talk to her. This week I have been able to break the routine of picking up kids before and after work and am letting her do it unless it is the days I have them. I am making plans with kids and not inviting her and offering the info on how it went. I am stopping trying to get her make plans with me for now. I am still very interested in going to RETROUVAILLE and the one in my area is in March so I know if I want to get us in I have to bring it up to her a few weeks in advacne to make sure we can register.
I know this was long, I believe that since I put it all out here now I wont have to rehash it later. I have read DR and am putting it into action. Trying the LRT and have set my goals to try and see if/when this plan is working. I know I fall back into bad habits (After the dinner I tried to include her into my plans with the kids that weekend and I only pushed her back by rushing)
As you all know it is hard but what is also hard to explain is that after all these years, after all these DR and meds and MC, I truly have an understanding as to what is going on. I can't explain why. Is it the praying and church? The book I read? The fact that wife got my attention with filing for D? Something else I do not understand yet? I cannot answer in words, I only know that if we get back together or we don't I know now what it would take of me to move into the right direction to have a healthy and loving marriage. My FEAR is that is has cost me my marriage to figure it out.
