Chapter 3 the end? Or new beginning?

[Denver_2010]

That's the same thing I told my wife. Everyday during our marriage I told her that I loved her and there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her.

When this started I knew that if I couldn't do this my words were hollow. I never thought that letting her go would be what she would need and I'm more scared than ever that it will end up being what she really does want. But it's what I have to do to show her that I'm sincere.

Actually Next, you hit the nail on the head. Would we do ANYTHING for our W's? Do we love them only when they love us back? Or... do we have unconditional love for our Ws?

If we have true unconditional love for our Ws, we choose to let them go, let them try to find the happiness that they are missing... even if it is not with us.

Hold up. I'm confused.
I thought the whole goal of this website was to "bust" a divorce?

If true unconditional love requires letting our spouses go and find their bliss with or without us ( and from these boards lately it seems we LBS are pretty much on our own from the time they walk out) what's the point of doing DBing beyond the self improvement aspect?

I'll be frank with you. If my H chooses to stay gone, I'll love who he once was. For as was pointed out to me change is inevitable and constant in people. H will become a stranger to me after a time. A stranger who shares a tie with me through our kids.
H is everyday becoming more of a stranger to me and I am slowly becoming indifferent. I think that is a side effect of detachment and not having expectations?

Yes I can choose to behave in a loving, compassionateand kind manner,it doesn't change the genuine lack of feeling.

Once that happens there is no love connection left IMHO.

At that point what's left to hang onto?

Am I missing something?

Sorry to hijack your thread 2Step.

Scylia - I agree with most of what you are saying. I mean I'm not saying that the point of us being here should just be self improvement. The point is self improvement AND busting the divorce. But I also think that part of detaching is understanding that your S is a person who has free will and who has the right to seek happiness in life. Our S's are their own life journey. We HOPE that that journey leads them back to us. Why would they come back to us? Bc we financially support them? Bc we have children with our them? Bc we have a history with them? Bc they are afraid of the unknown without us? Those are all possible reasons that they may come back, but probably not the best of reasons. For me, I want my W to come back to me bc she knows that i am a source of unconditional love. Because what I offer is not conditioned on something she does or doesn't do for me.

I think that the only way to truly love someone unconditionally is to accept our S regardless of the flaws and choices... even when those choices are not in line with what WE WANT. I look at this as true giving. I give my W love with no conditions. This is how I want to love and be loved.

With some insightful words from TrueGritters threads, I really focused on this question: Do I choose to love my W only on the condition that she loves me back? My answer was 'no'. I choose to love my W not based on any condition... I just do.

I don't know if that makes sense Scylia and it is just how I feel... how I am trying to live my life from this point forward.

Take care.

BITS
Denver