oh, I don't doubt that she has hey eye on someone already... It is often the case. It is hard to abandon your family unless you have a crutch to get through the hard times. This is good that the hurt she is causing you doesn't last as long anymore... This is detachment. You are beginning to gain control of yourself.
Shaves, are you aware of boundaries? I will give you an example of how you can use them in your sitch to show that you respect yourself and it will also gain respect from her at the same time...
Basically you want to use this format When you (talk to me, treat me, act like this....ect.) it makes feel (whatever way you feel).... It is a personal statement saying how others actions affect you.... It is your threshold of how you will allow people to treat you..... A boundary is where you end and where someone else begins.... Someone that doesn't respect your boundaries gets put back in their place.. Walk aways will test your boundaries and if you stick firm everytime, you will TEACH them how they can treat you.
example
W- calls you up talking in an inappropriate tone, yelling, out of control, wanting you to do something. S- W Listen, I have no problem talking with you and trying to figure out a solution to this, however, I don't appreciate the way you are communicating with me, give me a call back when we can have a more reasonable conversation.....click... You are in control, you don't get suckered into an argument, you show her what is acceptable, you decide what you will tolerate... This shows you respect yourself.
Sometimes you just have to listen and validate, sometimes you have to own your crap behavior, sometimes you have to tell them like it is.
I like it. I hope to be able to implement this skill. Hopefully W and I have some conversations soon. I have come to terms with her moving out. March 1rst is her goal, and I know she will attain it. So, I have limited time to get some seeds of doubt in her head. I guess I am going to ignore the fact she may have another relationship on her mind unless it severely infects the way she acts, or behaves around me. I most likely will not be able to prove anything in the time frame I have. She damn near sleeps with her I-phone. I hate that thing. She will have to make her own choices and I will deal with them moving on my own way.
Shaves, TJ is spot on. Things seemed to change dramatically between my W and I once I stopped crying in front of her and started acting like a man again. And don't make the same mistake that most of us make. Acting like a man doesn't mean taking control of her and telling her what to do. I want to you try to take control of the situation through your own actions. I know there is still alot of doubt and desperation in my personal post, but I can attest doing this will work for you.
In the early stages, my W realized that she could inflict maximum damage while I was down on my knees. And, believe me, she did it every chance she could. She was just freaking mean. There is no other way to describe it. She tap danced on my soul for weeks. So, I went dark for two months. When I emerged from the "darkness," I acted completely different around her. Once I started controlling myself, my temper and my attitude with her, she couldn't get me to fight any more or lose my cool. This shot her whole game plan to hell in about two seconds. Don't raise your voice, don't take the bait to fight and don't take the abuse. I am telling you, it works.
I was the new DB'ing me and it still confuses her today. Now, when we talk it is like we are old friends. She apologizes for her actions when they are out of line. And I didn't have to curse, raise my voice or belittle her to bring about this change. I just did exactly what TJ described above. Try it and let us know how it works.
In the meantime, keep in mind, if she leaves it is not the end. It is not. It will be awful. Many of us here can tell you word for word how awful it will be. But you will get through it. We promise!!!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Huge progress tonite. A friend of mines brother confronted the man that I suspected to be persuing my wife. I didn't ask for this to happen but it did. Everything was aired out and I am in the clear. No AFFAIR. Wife and I had a long talk and all concerns were ironed out. I haven't felt this good in weeks. She is still going to move out, but I am confident she is doing it for the reasons she told me, not to start a new relationship. I have come to terms with a separation, and perhaps it is the best thing for her. Her and I both gained a huge amount of trust for each other. We were able to communicate without any anger or frustration. No ones feelings were intenionally hurt. No red faces, no raised voices. Rational thinking. She actually understood why I had concerns. I can work on me without having to worry about a 3rd party. What a relief. baby steps, maybe even in the right direction!
She damn near sleeps with her I-phone....... Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Shaves, This is how I got over it.... Deep down, I want my ex to be happy... whatever that means for her... Real love isn't jealous. If she is happy, be happy for her. trust me, true happiness comes from within, depending on someone else for your happiness is called co-dependency and it is very hard to sustain. Find the things that make you happy in life, what do you really NEED to be happy. I'll save you some time, you don't need your W, you just want her. You just wanted a normal life for your family... Well life isn't fair and things happen... But they do happen for a reason... This may be the epiphany you two needed to be able to figure out how a happy marriage should look.. It may have happened so you could learn from your mistakes and find someone else who really loves you for everything you are, and accepts you for everything your not, or never will be. What's the final outcome of your sitch? who knows, that's why they play the game... stay positive
co-dependency from either spouse is not good and not sustainable. Its probably the root of the problem in my situation.
Never depend on others to make you happy. You don't need your wife to make you happy but you want her to be happy. Accept that you have the power to make yourself happy, without another person, and you're ahead of the game. Its part of the detachment process.
I love my WAW also, but i am accepting a separation and letting her go because i wish her to find happiness. If things work out find. I hope you look at it that way too for your own well being.
this is a good lesson for me to hear right now, as I'm having a hard time and ended up in a OR talk again that no doubt made me seem weak. Thank you all for these posts. Like you all, I know this is true, but sometimes fail anyway. Wives want men who are strong and confident. They want men who desperately want them, but don't NEED them. Sometimes I put myself is situations that wear me down and make me crazy - like "over giving" in the hope of pleasing my W so she will, well, love me - just makes me tired, grumpy, and needy. And it never, never, never works. It is not what she needs. And it makes the OM seem like a pretty good alternative.
I've been into taoist ideas lately. Like, it is better to not try too hard. Or the best way to get something is to let it go, then have it come to you. Well, taoist texts are pretty vague so maybe they mean whatever you want or need them to mean. And it's probably much like other philosophies (some one else today was talking about the serenity prayer). Maybe it's just not healthy to love too much or too deeply because despite what our spouses might say it's not really what they want from us. Could that be the draw of the OM? That he has a full, independent life (even his own W) and isn't so wrapped up in my W. hmmm.....now I'm just thinking out loud. Anyway, thank you gentlemen.
"I'm having a hard time and ended up in a OR talk again that no doubt made me seem weak."
Anytime your spouse is involved with another person and you are bringing up relationship talks, you make yourself appear very weak and show that you have little value for yourself. They have moved on, they don't want you anymore... There actions show you how they feel.... They are done. It is reality. there is no marriage when someone else is boning your wife.
"Sometimes I put myself is situations that wear me down and make me crazy - like "over giving" in the hope of pleasing my W so she will, well, love me"
approval seeking.... if I change for you will you love me... here, I will step up and be everything you said I'm not, now will you love me, all of this behavior is garbage... Give her the one thing she has been telling you over and over that she wants..... GIVE HER A LIFE WITHOUT YOU! change for you. have fun for you. Learn to love your new life without her. Tell her you want her to be happy with OM, you see that they have a lot more in common and they deserve each other.. wish her well
"Maybe it's just not healthy to love too much or too deeply because despite what our spouses might say it's not really what they want from us."
NO, it isn't healthy at all, in fact it will only make you miserable investing all your time and energy into something that cannot reciprocate. Invest it in something that will benefit from it.... YOU.....
"Could that be the draw of the OM?" The OM makes her feel good about herself, he doesn't have the negatives that come with being with someone for so long, he is exciting, he is new, he treats her so well....... Competing against the other man is a waste of time. You can't compare to the feelings she has for him at the moment.
I've had the best 24 hours since last bomb. 3 weeks ago or so. W is gunna move out---I am OK with that. Everyone, thank you for being patient with me, I am starting to understand letting go. I am very fortunate for one reason, my W is not having another relationship--yet. Even if she was I can't control it. Getting my mind around that fact has put me in a place where I can think clearly about how I want to conduct myself moving forward. I have realized the mistakes I have made to get me in this spot. They were not made on purpose, but they were made. I cannot change this fact either. I am facing what I do have to work with--my health--physical and spiritual, my ambitions, and MY FUTURE. Not to mention 2 of the best kids the Lord ever put on this earth. Right now no one can take these from me. I am in control.
That is awesome Shave! I'm happy to hear that you are feeling better.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
