Till death do us part... or she leaves...

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Well, I had a good one hour session with Joanne tonight. We went over my sitch and she seems to think that there is a chance that my W may not be done with me just yet. I did enjoy talking with her quite a bit. It did open my eyes to some of the stuff that I have been ignoring. After a long discussion, she actually thought that based upon the current situation, I should actually call my W. So, after I hung up with her, I called my W. She answered but didn't seem to be all that excited to speak with me. Turns out that my grandmother did exactly what I feared she would do.

Yesterday, after discussing the S with her, she asked if she could call my W. I asked her to wait until I talked with my W before she would call her to make sure my W would answer. Well, she didn't wait. Instead she began calling my W immediately this afternoon. I still had not had a chance to tell my W that my grandmother and I had spent the day together on Sunday discussing the S. But, surprisingly, my W answered and they talked for 30 minutes. Much to my horror, though, my grandmother thought it would be a good idea to invite my W to a upcoming family function. That is EXACTLY what I asked her not to do!!

So, my W told her, "Well, I would like to see you. I miss you terribly as you were the only grandmother I ever really had. But I think it will be up to (name - me) as to whether not I can do that." I think she is now starting to understand that I do have some control in this thing. I told my W that I was sorry that my GM did that. She told me that I should not apologize to her for this as she still loves my GM deeply. Yea, you love my freaking GM, but I am still living alone. I will have to sleep on it as to whether or not I will allow her to attend family functions in the near future. Right now, my gut tells me no. She wanted the S, she will have to deal with the fall out. My family and I are a package deal. If you don't want me, you don't get my family as a consolation prize, my love...

Anyway, we talked for 45 minutes about her new place, things going on with her job. We laughed and she openly told me about her schedule for the rest of the week. I guess I am now firmly in the "friends" zone. There seemed to be no fallout from me ignoring her this weekend. She seemed interested in trying to come by one night this week to get the other stuff she wanted, but I told her she couldn't as I would be out of town for business and would be too busy to fit her in. She informed me that she is going to visit her sister in another state this weekend. Guess why? So, she can spend the entire weekend with her 2 year old niece. So many mixed messages. Two weeks ago she told me she was happy we didn't have kids together and that she was coming to the realization that she was probably never going to have kids. Now, she is driving six hours to see a 2 year old. I am starting to enjoy this DB'ing stuff a bit. I am really starting to understand just how unprepared my W is for this thing she has launched. If she would sit and listen to herself at times, she might realize just how confused and scattered she is right now. None the less, I guess we won't see each other until next week at the earliest.

I found myself liking the stuff Joanne said tonight, but I also don't want to lose site that they are being paid to save my marriage and keep me hopeful. I doubt very seriously they ever just say, "Ah, forget it and get the D. You're done." That wouldn't make for a very successful business now would it? Remember, I have been in professional medical sales for 10 years. I know salesmanship when I see it... But, I will meet with her again in a couple of weeks to do a status check and get some more direction on how to stay in the "friends" zone for now.

Tonight I sit here with mixed emotions. On the positive side, I really enjoyed speaking with Joanne. She was very kind, courteous and professional. She had some really nice insight on the situation. I also have Joanne telling me that my marriage is not doomed just yet. Joanne continued to remind me that my W still has not yet used the word D in front of me. Really, she hasn't. Not once in then entire 5 months that this has been dragging on. Joanne also thought there was a hidden message in the fact that my W will still not part with her rings as I have asked her to do. "Right now, she clearly doesn't want to be married, but it also seems like she doesn't want to be divorced just yet either." Also, I got to spend 45 minutes talking and laughing with my W on the phone. That has to be a good thing considering there are so many folks on this forum who's spouses have told them to "go to h*ll and don't call me." When I call, she answers. If she was done with me, why would she spend 45 minutes on the phone with me? She pretty much has all the stuff from the house that she wants. No real need to fake it any more. Oh well, I have my health, my job and my family. All good things!

On the flip side, I can't let the current circumstances go unnoticed. My W did not initiate contact until two weeks ago when she needed furniture and money. Then, all of a sudden, she was more than willing to talk to me on the phone. Once she had what she needed, the contact faded considerably. She is not an idiot. She knows that when I am pushed, I can play "hardball." She knows if she wanted stuff from this house without the assistance of the sheriff's department, she was going to have to play nice. I guess she just wasn't expecting the new "me." Second, I had to initiate the contact tonight. I guess it is still too early for me to expect her to call me for anything other than business. I figure if that is going to happen at all, it will take another couple of weeks or months to get there. I think I let myself get too excited after reading 2step and Denver's posts. I guess I need to wake up and realize that I am not where they are yet. Third, she just moved again. Life is unstable and scary again. What better way to calm your nerves than a little quality time on the phone with the man that you dumped to make you feel good?? Fourth, she could be just buying time. She has to know that in six weeks she can drop the papers. You have to wait six months after one party leaves the house before you can drop the papers. The week of March 6th maybe one of the worst of my life or maybe it won't. Who knows??

I also have to take some solace in what my friend who was a WAH told me on Saturday. She is probably still acting in front of me. He told me that for up to a year he put on an act every time he was in front of his W, friends, and family. He didn't want her to know he was hurting considering he walked out on her. And he didn't want to let his friends see him hurting because they also knew he walked. No one wants to create a "master plan" and then look like an idiot executing it. None the less, my W has definitely developed some acting skills that she did not have before she left.

Well, I have an early day tomorrow. I do have something I want to post for discussion, but I will do it tomorrow night. It is a subject that I have been wanting to discuss, but have not yet because I feel like I could be jumping the gun.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[lostinscared]

FOBD,

I missed your fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth points. Seriously, I am going to turn back on you what you tell me. Stop trying to figure her motives out. You know why? Her motives today can be completely different than tomorrow. What she thinks she wants today make be completely different than tomorrow. Today she might want a divorce, tomorrow not so much. The one thing I have learned clearly with the WAS's (even with us to tell you the truth) is that we need a ticker to keep up with the feelings, emotions and motives. They change by the second.

And do not compare yourself to anyone else here to gauge how you are doing. You need to work your program and run your race. No two situations are the same.

I'm glad you talked to DB coach. Gotta say you had me cracking up about the salesman pitch, though, that's too funny. All of us are looking for someone to validate them and give them hope. Hope can only come from within. These DB coaches are there to tell you what to do with that hope and how to channel our energy and how to give us the best chance to get our spouses back. The hope thing? That's your job. Probably one of the most difficult jobs we have right now... I know.

Take care of yourself and I'm praying for you!!!

BITS

[2stepboogie]

FOBD,

I am glad your first session went well. After 4 sessions I finally just asked my DB coach "Ok so don't spare my feelings, spare my wallet after all the information you have do you think there is actually any hope for us." her response "absolutely I am convinced of it" So I came back with "OK but really. How many times do you get asked that question and your answer is "no. you're screwed" She laughed and said "I have told people that their situation seems very difficult and it will be hard but in your case I see a lot of hope" That was good enough for 3 more sessions.

I think when we are here in this position we look for any sign of hope we can hold on to but maybe that is a mistake we make. Maybe what we need to do is just live and do and let the chips fall where they may. Of course I say that and in a few hours I will be posting how hopeless and scared I am, but right now I am having one of my very few moments of lucidness.

The DB couch will get a lot of info and then give you some guidelines based on your case.

[Denver_2010]

2Step is right FOBD. Even if the DB coaches are paid and are part of the larger biz, I really do think that they are giving good advice. Just think about how much you have learned in the short while that you have been here hearing about and reading about different situations. I read the advice that you give to others and it is always very good and well thought out. These DB coaches have spent waaayyy more time than us hearing about and talking about different WAS situations. I think that they have a pretty good idea on what approach we should take.

I have a DB session tomorrow. Had my first on Dec 21, but haven't felt the need for another until now. Desperately need one right now.

BITS
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost, 2step and Denver,
Thanks a ton! Lost, you are right. I guess I need to take some of my own advice. I am dealing with someone right now that is saying one thing while acting like another. Funny story, last night my W went on and on about how much she loves her new place. Sound familiar???

2step, always good to hear from you too. Yes, I do ponder sometimes how we get on here for our own posts and cry like little girls and then move over to another post and push solidarity and intestinal fortitude. Stay with me, buddy. We have come a long way.

Denver, something I caught in your post gave me pause. Why are you in need of a session right now? Has something bad happened? I really hope not. Or, is it because you are snowed in and can't go outside in -26 degree weather?
I have no idea what -26 must feel like, but it can't be good.

I am going to break off here and start my discussion for this evening. I will spend a few moments tonight catching up on my friends. I will be off the air tomorrow night as I will be out off town for business.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

No FOBD, nothing has happened bad with my situation. Just feeling that I reached a point that I need a new map to reach my goals.

BITS
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

OK, buddy. Just checking up on you. It is funny. You and I seem to take turns "hitting the skids" at times. I guess I just hate to see you down because you seem to be doing so well right now. Your progress is uplifting for many of us here. I am not trying to put any pressure on you, but you are doing well and we all love to see it happening for you.

By the way, let me recant my earlier post about your interactions with your SS. If he brings you joy and lifts your spirits, spend time with him. There is nothing wrong with that. I just want to make sure you aren't being used as that would not be cool right now. Just looking out for you. No hard feelings, I hope?

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[zengypsy]

I think FOBD needs to experience some 26 degree weather!

[Denver_2010]

I WISH that it were 26 degrees here!! More like -5 I think! It is freakin cold here in Denver.

No hard feelings at all FOBD! I know what you are saying about the danger of being used. And it would not be cool of my W to be doing that. I really don't think that is an issue though. And I will be aware of it if it does become one.

No, I really miss my SS and have enjoyed spending the time with him. I wish that I had made more of an effort to do that when he and W were still living here. Of course, I seem to always put it off bc of work and the other things going on in life. Just like being a good H to my W... put it off til another day. Still beating myself up a bit as you can see.

Yes, we have seemed to take turns hitting the skids recently. I am just really struggling dealing with my own head... and patience. Patience for something I want has never been a strong point for me. I guess maybe it will be something that I will learn from all of this.

Have a nice biz trip FOBD!

BITS!!
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
FOBD is back on the air. Couldn't get to a computer while on my biz trip. None the less, some really amazing happened today and I want to write about it.

This morning at 9am, I met with one of my clients that I have been doing business with for two years. She is a really nice lady around 57 years old and we will call her Bev. I entered Bev's office, made some small talk and complimented her as I always do on the photos of her family. It all went south from there. For what reason, I still don't know, she looked me straight in the face and told me her life was not too great. She then proceeds to tell me that her husband and partner of 36 years walked out on her one month ago. They have been together for 39 years, married 36 and have five children from ages 27 to 14. I was floored.

She just sat there crying and telling me how devastated she is. I sat there listening to her opening salvo of horrible information and was just beside myself with grief for her. He told her he was moving to their hunting camp in the northern part of the state for a spell. Soon after he left, he pretty much cut off all contact. She, of course, pursued big time. Finally, after weeks of no contact, she packed up her car and headed up to the camp to confront him. When she arrived, he wasn't there but there was a strange truck in the yard. She went inside and started to notice that there were things there that belonged to a woman. While she was inside, he came back and had his new girlfriend with him. She confronted him and things went from bad to worse. I felt so bad for her as she sat there talking to me and choking back her tears.

She went on for an hour. I missed two other appointments because of this, but something inside of me wouldn't let me leave her. The client has no idea that my own marriage is in the toilet. So after about 20 minutes of listening to her, I asked her if it would be OK for me to say a couple of things and if it would be OK for me to get a bit personal. She approved. Team, I jumped into ACTION!!

I took a piece of paper from my pocket and wrote down the information to get a copy of DR. Then, I spent the next 30 minutes teaching her about GAL'ing, 180'ing, detaching and whatever else I could think of. As she talked, I couldn't help but look at her and see myself four months ago.

I went on and on about the DR and how it saved me from this horrible situation. We talked and talked about what she needs to do going forward, about getting a A, getting a C, protecting her children and protecting herself.

There are many more details, but this will get too long. The point is this, when the hour was up, I had her smiling. I then gave her my personal email address and told her she could email me anytime she wanted to ask questions. She smiled and said, "Well, shouldn't you clear this with your wife? Ha Ha." I replied, "Bev, do you know how I know all this stuff about DR'ing?" She replied, "No." I looked her straight in the eyes and with no hesitation, no tears, and no emotion, I stated, "Because my wife left me five months ago and I you and I are now members of a club no one ever wants to join." She was floored. She told me she had no idea. I just said, "I know..."

As I got up to leave, I made a motion as though I wanted a hug. She jumped up from her chair and hugged me really hard. As a professional rule, I never make physical contact with my clients. I am a man, many of them are women, I don't want to be sued. Anyway, she hugged me and had tears coming down her face. I put my hands on her shoulders and told her, "Bev, you are a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother. You are going to make it. You are going to be all right. You have my word on it. Take it from someone who has already been down this road." I smiled and turned to walk out. When I turned back, she was standing there crying. I waved and walked out.

An hour later, I got an email from her telling me that my actions today were well "above and beyond the call of duty" as her sales rep and that my actions would never be forgotten. I made her promise me that when I called her on Monday she would have already finished the DR. She promised she would.

I noticed as I was walking out of the building, I was in a great mood. I was puzzled. Why? Couldn't figure it out, so I just got in my car. I had a two hour drive home. It was cold and raining and the traffic wasn't the greatest, but I was still smiling. Why? And then, it hit me.

I AM GETTING BETTER!!! You see, for five months I have hidden my S because of my shame and grief. I have not told any of my clients about this until today. But today, I sat there, told this nice lady everything and smiled about it after. I AM ABLE TO MOVE ON!!! I can't explain the feeling. I just helped a person get through their day, didn't lie anymore about my own sitch and walked away happy. I now get to go to bed knowing that by Monday another victim of this madness won't be a victim any more. She will be armed and ready to face her WAS. She will be stronger, happier, healthier and closer to a resolution to her horrible situation (Michelle, you are welcome. I just sold another copy of your book...)

BITS, I can't tell you how happy I have been all day. I even had a brief phone conversation with my W and I cut her off. I did't want this feeling to end. Today, I got the first real sign that I am going to make it. Life will go on. I am far enough along now that I can look back and help others. I sat in front of her and realized how far I have come. In her last email, she stated, "I hope that I am as strong as you are now in my very near future." I was on Cloud 9!!!

I know this all seems like bragging, but it isn't. This is a positive message for all my BITS. Take a moment each day to look for some sign that you are getting better. Look for signs that you are moving on. Look for signs that the world is not collapsing around you. You just might find what you are looking for...

Team, tonight when you hit the pillow, please keep Bev in your thoughts. She has been with this man for as long as I have been on this earth. Jeez, I thought my sitch was bad. She has 24 years and five kids on me. I think I have a whole new perspective on life tonight.

Bev, wherever you are tonight, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

FOBD