A Lovestruck Romeo Singing the Streets in Serenade

[Denver_2010]

BITS - I am feeling extremely down tonight. Actually, I have been for about 24 hours. It is snowing, icy, and extremely cold here in Colorado and my W and SS's schools were closed today, and will be again tomorrow.

I have been extremely paranoid that my W is hanging with OM. I have nothing to base my fear on, but I can't get it out of my head. I tried calling my SS this afternoon to see what he was doing with his day off, he didn't answer his cell phone and hasn't called me back. And, I'm ashamed to admit that on my way home from work, I drove by SIL's house to see if I saw W's car. It was not there.

Are there other things that she could be doing with her day off? Yes.. probably an endless list of possibilities. SIL may very well be at W's house hanging out, she might be at a girlfriends place, or vice versa. I have no idea. But, at this moment, I am so consumed with what my imagination is working up in my head that I am driving myself crazy and driving myself into depression.

I almost feel that I should just flat out ask my W what is going on with OM, if anything, so that I at least know what is real and what isn't. I'm afraid of the answer though my friends. And I know that I'm not suppose to if I am DBing properly.

So, I'm going to journal here instead.. hope for some words of encouragement.. no BSing.. just comfort.

Evidence that my fear and imagination is real:

1) W was spending a lot of time with OM last time I talked to her about it on Jan 2nd - has that changed? I don't know.
2) OM took SS ice skating less than 2 weeks ago - W did not go with them.
3) W admitted in November that he had "caught [her] attention]"
4) W still has not told me where she is living - I have a pretty good idea and have not asked W... but she has not offered info.
5) No statements from W that she is NOT spending time with OM or still talking to him.

No other evidence.

Evidence that supports that my fears and imagination are getting best of me:

1) W has never told me that she is dating OM, sleeping with OM, or even admitted to any kind of A.
2) W has shown concern that I am dating or having A with other women and stated, "we just need to be honest with each other... you need to tell me if you are dating or have moved on" - statement from just a little over a week ago. Why would W say this, but then NOT be honest with me about what she is doing? On flip side of that argument, I haven't asked her directly. Hmmm
3) W has been extremely busy working both day and night with 2 jobs. No time for there to be OM, right? Who knows.
4) W has been warming up to me. Why would this be happening if she was interested in OM?
5) FIL has told me that he has heard from W's mom that W is warming up to me.
6) snooped on SS's cell phone to see if OM's name came up in address book, call log, or text log... it did not. This is something I guess. If W were really trying to get SS close to OM, I would think that his name would at least be there as emergency contact.
7) W still lists me as her H on FB... good, but does not appear that OM is on FB.

No other evidence.

I know that what I am seeking from W right now is validation that my fear of R bw she and OM is nothing. That validation is for me. It really serves no purpose. What if I were to find out that I am right, that there is ongoing A with OM? Will that change what I am trying to accomplish here? And what if I find out that there is nothing going on with OM? Will that change the fact that my W is still WAS? That she still is NOT ready to be M'd to me again?

So, I have to deal with my fears... alone unfortunately... but I have to deal with them. Put them away. OM is NOT worth my time, my thoughts, my emotions, my energy... Nor is he worth fearing. He is nothing.

I AM THE BETTER MAN!!!

Now believe it Denver!! Believe that your W will, or does, see this!!!

BITS - I am so happy to have made new friends in all of you... and it would never have happened but for my WAW sitch... but this really is a walk through the gates of hell. It really is...

BITS
Denver