Yes, I definitely think that W is intrigued by what I am out doing these days. Thanks for your take on how I handled the sitch too. I think, today, that maybe you're right that I handled it okay.
Bet she was straining her ear to see if you used a feminine pronoun, too!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh boy, I don't think I agree at all about contacting her first. I understand the rules, I swear I do. Here's the thing: these people are YOUR FAMILY. And that you want to protect them is a GOOD THING within reason. I do not AT ALL believe that asking if she is safe and off icy roads is pursuing. I honestly think that if you hadn't made sure that they were ok that there would be something wrong. I, personally, would not have had a lot of respect for that.
Additionally, I think that her texts were good. If she was not interested and didn't want your attention when you asked her if she was home safe, she could have answered, "yes, thanks." But that is not what happened, she offered additional information. Also, she kept the conversation going and it was you who ended it. That's also a good thing. She told you to let the faucets drip, again, a good thing. Why, it shows that she cares and trying in a way to take care of you.
I know this is so hard. I know you are trying so hard. Try to be peaceful because you are doing awesome! I am praying for you!!!
Hang in there, Denver. My feeling is that yeah ... maybe you need to let her come to you a bit. It does seem like things are moving in the right direction ... but unfortunately SHE is the one setting the pace and there's nothing you can do about that.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
FOBD - It has actually just been once that my W was somewhat in a bind with SS, but even then FIL could have watched him. It was more of a convenience thing for FIL than for W. The other times that I have had SS it has been bc I have asked W if I could spend time with him. You, 2Step and MJ are probably right though. I probably do need to be 'unavailable' from time to time. It is just REALLY hard when I have had so little contact with W for 2 months and then, all of a sudden, she is willing to talk to me and have some contact with me.
Also, I have been trying to stay with phone calls over texting and emails. I haven't told w that is the only way that I will communicate with her, but I mostly use the phone when contacting her or responding to her. I used text last night bc I was hedging and hawing about whether I should contact her at all. I decided that a short text making sure that she and SS was the way to go.
I realize that I can't tell her moods from texting. I am just super paranoid. Unfortunately, I am completely attached again and have expectations that things will continue to progress positively. There just wasn't any progress last night, nor tonight so far, so I was upset. And am again tonight.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
1st Im so hyped about the movies!! I mean I would give anything for any contact w/my H right now. So, that yall had dinner/movies together is pretty awesome in itself! Thats a step in the right direction.
Okay, so you shouldnt have called her first. But, you kept it simple and basic. I mean you didnt say ILY or anything. So, don't beat yourself up...your doing great!
So, maybe you could just hang back a bit. I know after spending a nice time as a family it had to be real hard to see them go. But, think of it as what could be your future and what your working for...
I'm proud of you! Your DBing and starting to see some progress. I don't think your W is using you to watch SS. I mean, she knows you love him and enjoy having him w/you. Even if she was...who cares you love him and want him around. Plus, its good for your SS.
Hang in there my friend! Things are looking up....
Praying for you always!
Dixie
Thanks Dixie. I'm really glad that I have you and all of the other BITS cheering me on. I am not feeling so great about situation tonight, but it is nice to be able to come here and read all of the encouraging words.
I agree, I don't think that my W is using me re SS. When my situation first started, my W told me directly that she didn't want me to even contact SS. So it is quite a change that she is letting me spend time with him. I think that she is beginning to realize that he and I are pretty tight. She always complained that I didn't try hard enough with him and that he and I did NOT have a close R. So this is all good from where I stand.
And yes, it was extremely hard to say goodbye to W and SS the other night. Extremely hard. I beginning to tear up just thinking about it. I have been depressed ever since I walked away from their car on Sunday night. I hate what we are all going through. I hate it.
BITS Denver
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I hope so Sandi. I am especially paranoid tonight about OM. I am beginning to lose my ability to put the possible R bw my W and OM out of my mind. Not sure what is happening. Why was I better off emotionally last week, before hanging out with W, than I am now?
I can answer that! I was somewhat detached before... now, not so much.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Oh boy, I don't think I agree at all about contacting her first. I understand the rules, I swear I do. Here's the thing: these people are YOUR FAMILY. And that you want to protect them is a GOOD THING within reason. I do not AT ALL believe that asking if she is safe and off icy roads is pursuing. I honestly think that if you hadn't made sure that they were ok that there would be something wrong. I, personally, would not have had a lot of respect for that.
Additionally, I think that her texts were good. If she was not interested and didn't want your attention when you asked her if she was home safe, she could have answered, "yes, thanks." But that is not what happened, she offered additional information. Also, she kept the conversation going and it was you who ended it. That's also a good thing. She told you to let the faucets drip, again, a good thing. Why, it shows that she cares and trying in a way to take care of you.
I know this is so hard. I know you are trying so hard. Try to be peaceful because you are doing awesome! I am praying for you!!!
LIS
LIS - Thank you for all of your optimism!! I love reading your posts bc they always remind me of the good in my sitch. And I don't think that your BSing me either. I just think that you are seeing the glass half full rather than half empty. I hope that your not BSing me anyway!
I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much on your thread as of late. As you probably know, I was having problems with my posts, so somewhat became discouraged from posting. And also, I have had a lot on my plate with my sitch the past several days. I have been keeping up with what's going on with you though! Your H is having an internal battle on what HE wants. He wants both... you and freedom from M. The internal battle keeps him from committing one way or the other. Very similar to what is going on with Hope's H. If you read my posts on her thread, you will see that I experienced what both of your H's are going through. Anyway, that is JMO.
BITS! Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I feel your pain Denver I really do. One moment of joy followed by days of misery. Stay the course my friend, the only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday."
I promise you with all of my heart, I'm not BSing you. It's not my style. I know I tend to be the cheerleader here. I guess it's because most of us already know where we screwed up. When we aren't sure, there are definitely people here who will make sure that we understand. That is just so important. Those people will get us to our goal. But, we need encouragement. We must have that to survive. We need people to tell us that we are worth something. I just cannot begin to tell you the respect I have for all of you that show up here. It humbles me everyday to see all the interactions and how hard people are trying.
Unfortunately, there has already been a member here who I basically told to walk away. It's against so much that I believe in, but that was a pretty extreme situation. So, I do call it as I see it. Do not worry about that
Please do not worry about not posting, ok? We cannot put that kind of pressure on ourselves. We are trying our best to get through our own situations.
Ok, OM... listen, so many of us are wavering between attachment and detachment. It's a hard line to keep. So, I think your feelings are very normal. My brother and I were talking about the OW in my situation. He told me that if he was seeing OW that would make him feel better because it would explain behavior and that is a more changeable situation. He said that if there wasn't, it doesn't mean it's the end, but it would bother him more because it would indicate more resolve on his part to carry through with his decision to leave. It was an interesting way to look at things.
