his response today was probably a result of our "conversation" "argument" last night...instead of him saying anything he will do things like this for a bit to get on my good side and just when I do think to myself oh ok he really does genuinly give a crap about me and doesn't think the world revolves around him and his needs...poof...back into that self serving sleeping on the couch guy again.
LL
One possibility I suppose...I'm thinking that there may be others, too...we just don't know what they are yet
How about monitoring stuff over the next few days to see what IS different/what changes when things progress to negative again?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
What if, instead of telling him what you need to do, and asking if he'll do it...what if you tell him what needs to be done and ask how he thinks you should handle it?
For ex. (and I'm just making this up) you say, H, I need to go grocery shopping and run these errands, but I can't do it with the kids. What do you think I should do?
Have you tried doing that?
I've done it with my boss a few times and found out that he usually tells me to do what I had already planned to do...but that I now have his approval and he thinks it was his idea and that he had input...all of which make him happy.
thanks for trying to help me out..but I can assure you taht this is just another attmept of his to smooth things over without actually having to do or say anything. I'll accept it but in the end where will it get me?
pib,
asking him what I should do is foolish as the answer is usually can't you call your mother or one of your friends.
if I could I would..h is a last resort and I wasn't even expecting him.
Seriously, what exactly do you want? You have already determined that the marriage is a no go, or at least it sure seems that way. What do you have to lose by putting out the ultimatum - change or it's over?
LL Perhaps it's time for you to work outside the home. THERE is no question that no one will care for your children as well as you...but I get the distinct sense that you resent the role of full time caretaker to your children and resent the fact that you are your H's chief cook and bottle washer.
Being a homemaker (stay at home mom) IS a thankless job, and no one will argue that point. But staying at home is a choice that you've made. You can't resent you H's failure to want to be Mr. Mom when he walks in the door because you've chosen to stay at home.
If you are in a financial position to NOT have to work, then consider volunteering somewhere several hours a few times a week. Do something other than 'mothering' that gets you out of the house and with people that you can talk everything from politics to candlesticks with. Adult interaction on a daily basis does WONDERS for ones sense of self. T2
I enjoy being at home with my kids...sure it's stressful and it's draining but it's also a hell of a lot of fun. I get to do things with my kids that moms who choose to work so that they can have that outside life don't...I am the one they call for first thing in the morning and when they go to bed..I am the one who puts bandaids on their boo boo's..I am the one who watched them take their first steps and utter their first words..I am the one who is their parent...there is no way in hell I would ever give that priveledge to some other person and pay them for it to boot.
that said,
I don't resent my h for not being mr.mom. I do however resent the fact that he doesn't make the time for US as a couple or for us as a family all that often...it's always "next week" or "next month" or "the winters comming" or "let me get past this storm" etc.
Sure the fact that I am at home all day with them may make me a bit more interested in feeling closer to him, however I can assure you that my being home as apposed to being in some work environment is not the problem here...If I were out in the work world..I would be exposed to not just other women (wich tell stories of what their h's do for them...like giving them a surprize day off at the spa..me I have a gift cert from last year...h told me to wait to use...h's who take them out to dinner or tell them jokes etc) and let's not forget there are men out in that world..men who may like to converse with me or heck notice me..would that be productive for my marriage? I don't think so.
as far as volunteering..for those of you who don't bother to read all of what ll says here I'll say it again...I am volunteering as an emt for my town...I've just finneshed my emt course wich was 2 nights a week and now am taking a hazmat course wich is 2 nights a week. The kids are little in a few short years they will both be in school at least part of the day and at that time I will seek some employment prefereably within the school system so that there is someone to come home to during the summer. MY CHOICE and I don't regret it at all...I'm greatful for the opportunity to stay home!
it would be nice if I had a friend/lover in the off time though..but h just wants the life of go to work, watch football, put kids to bed, watch tv and fall asleep on the couch or maybe fall asleep in the bed on a good night.
so to be clear...I do not resent my children, I do not resent being home with them I do however resent h for not being the h he can be out of pure lax (in other words...I feel taken for grantide by h...that he doens't feel it neccessary to put forth all that much effort cuase I'm obviously a sucker and aint going anywhere)
LL, I think it's great that you choose to stay home with the Wee Ones. I did too. I wouldn't have changed it for the world either. I'd love nothing more to just be a Mother and wife, but H thinks I should work. He could afford to support me and soes for the most part. He pays all the bills even though he does not live with me and never asks what I do with my money. Some would say it's the least he could do since he's the WAS. I suppose he does feel obligated. I don't want to ba an obligation. I want to be cherished by my H. Not sure that will ever happen, but I've hung on to that hope for a long time now. What I have a hard time with is that he's been gone off and on for over 2 yrs and STILL does not want to come home. It gets rather old-this not being wanted. I've decided to back off and see if he steps up, but I have serious doubts about it. I have a man that wants to go out with me, and I'm so tempted-just as a friend. Is it so wrong to want companionship after 2 yrs?? I guess I want my cake and eat it too. I love my H and want our M, but he obviously does not love me that much and does not care if he spends time with me or not. Why does he have to put us through this? We are wasting precious years of our lives together. I'm afraid that it will still be this way 5 yrs from now. I've told him I won't wait forever,and I won't. I also told him there's not many women that would put up with what he's done and still be around 2 yrs later. I'm not sure if that speaks bad about him or ME??? Rachael
Seriously, what exactly do you want? I want what I have asked for, I want that man that came home, that man that was exited to see me, that man that wanted to be near me, that wanted to spend time with me, that man that couldn't sit on the couch with me without wanting to give me a massage, that man that wouldn't let me leave without giving me a passionate kiss that said "I'll miss you while you're not here" I want one night a week set asside for us to spend time together doing something interactive and fun be it talking or playing a game of darts or cards or whatever maybe going out but not neccessarily....is that so much to ask? You have already determined that the marriage is a no go, or at least it sure seems that way. yes it seems that way but I'm not certain....there are still crumbs being offered...when the crumbs stop that's when the m will stop in one sense or another but the hope is that the crumbs will become more of a loaf or at least a couple of slices. What do you have to lose by putting out the ultimatum - change or it's over? the possibility of natural change occuring? ulitimatums don't work for me imp, I don't yet have the cahona's to follow through...there's still a glimmer of hope I hold and I can't give a true ultimatum til that glimmer is gone.
I really wasn't posting very much until you asked me to come by and check out RandyH. In the course of doing so, I came by your thread. I came because I know you and I like you. The more I read, the more I have seen things that others and I have gone through.
Here is what I see, LL. I see a woman who is having difficulty. Everything she says intimates that the situation will not get better. You have tried the soft touch to no avail. You have tried nagging until you are blue in the face to no avail. Someone makes a suggestions and you say you have tried it to no avail. Basically, you have tried everything. Is there anything that you haven't you tried?
I came to your thread and have stayed because I see someone who is hurting and is searching for help and direction. I have been in that place before and have done it my way. Perhaps you need to do it your way too. But I am trying to help you and I do it provocatively at times. LL, I don't want to see you wake up one morning and walkaway. In my case, my ex saw me changing and either didn't want to believe or was afraid that I actually might change and she would be stuck with feelings that didn't change. You are taking the course of doing the same thing over and over agian and it gets you nowhere. Don't let your life pass you by.
Quote: What do you have to lose by putting out the ultimatum - change or it's over? the possibility of natural change occuring? ulitimatums don't work for me imp, I don't yet have the cahona's to follow through...there's still a glimmer of hope I hold and I can't give a true ultimatum til that glimmer is gone.
Can you see the oxymoronic nature of that post. Once the glimmer is gone, it is too late. I have seen that before too. Sometimes, you have to take the bull by the horns before it is too late.
