25 Years Gone...?

[tadpole1025]

I have been lurking here for about a month and decided to post my story. I will try to make it brief. Basically, W and I got married right out of high school. We have four wonderful kids: S24, S20, S18 and S16. We have had our ups and downs like most marriages, but the love has always been there. There has never been any abuse or unfaithfulness. We discussed many times renewing our vows on our 25th wedding anniversary. Both of us planned on being married forever. Then it began:

10/09 - I lost my job. It was tough and we struggled, but we made it through.

04/10 - W makes comment to oldest son that "If I ever left your dad, I would just get an apartment somewhere." (I found this out later.)

05/10 - W and I are talking in backyard and she tells me how lucky she is to have me and she values what we have.

06/10 - I get my job back. She wasn't really happy about it, but we needed the money. She enjoyed having me home.

06/10 - Doctor says that W's hormones are out of whack and puts her on Progesterone cream.

06/10 - We discuss renewing our vows. We decide to write our own this time. She seems very happy.

06/10 - Tells me again how lucky she is.

07/10 - She says that she doesn't want to renew our vows and accuses me of not wanting to.

07/10 - She joined an internet dating site. (Found this out later)

08/10 - We celebrate our anniversary with a quiet dinner out. She tells me again how lucky she is and how much she values what we have.

09/10 - She starts communicating with a guy online and begins an emotional affair with him.

10/10 - Tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me and wants to seperate. I'm crushed.

10/10 - I find out about the online dating site and her communication with a guy she met online. Find emails that really upset me.

10/10 - Tells me that she wants us to work out and has quit talking to him.

11/10 - I find out that she is still talking to him and notice that she almost acts addicted to him.

11/10 - Says that she is still moving out. She doesn't want a divorce, but just needs time and space.

12/10 - She moves out and asks me to give her until the end of January to decide if she wants to work on things.

12/10 - In one conversation she tells me that she does want a divorce and then she says that she doesn't.

12/10 - She says that she wants a divorce for sure.


Now for the questions:

How can W just erase 25 years?
How can she rewrite our history and make it sound so much worse than it was?
Is this a MLC?
Could the hormone cream have played a part in this?
How can she basically change over night?
Why does she act like she hates me?
She spews hatefulness out of her mouth and sometimes acts like she is 16 or 17 again. Why?
How can she love me for so long and now act like she is disgusted by me?
What do I do now and how do I act?

I value our marriage and love her dearly and would do anything to save it. Please help.

P.S. I have also noticed that she doesn't look very healthy these days. My S16 says she looks pale. I agree. My S18 says she looks like she has aged 10 years in the last one. I agree. He also seems to think that something has been going on in her head for a couple of years. She has also lost a considerable amount of weight. She wasn't heavy to begin with and now looks too thin. It makes me sad.

Any thoughts?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

There are a bunch of resources at the top.

None of here are mental health professionals. So it's really up to you to determine if you think your wife is having an MLC.

Those professionals? About half of them don't believe in MLC anyway. The numbers vary and well numbers can be swayed depending on where you look.

I think regardless of that, you're in a place where people understand what you are going through and will want to help you tadpole.

It's not an easy place to be, but for me?
I wouldn't trade who I have become for anything.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Edit -

None of us here

[irishblessings]

Tad -
I am SO sorry for your situation. We have MUCH in common. Our 25th was in September - our kids are same age - I have experienced much of what you have. I know the pain well.
The BEST thing I did was "go dark". Seeing him was TOO painful for me. There was no way I could heal and begin to think clearly while I had to see him or while interacting with him.
Your kids are old enough to have their own relationships with their mom. You need to take care of YOU.
IB

[tadpole1025]

Wow. That is sad. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've been going dark, but still see her about once a week when we exchange S16. He goes to her house on the weekends. I never thought in a million years that I would be going through this. She acts as if she hates me. To think that just a few months ago we were talking of renewing our vows. Absolutely the hardest thing I've ever been through. She is very upset with me now because her sister invited me over to watch the Superbowl like we do every year and I accepted the invitation. W did not get an invite! W says that she was excluded from her family's activity. What she fails to see though is that I didn't exclude her. Her sister did. Do you think it is wrong for me to go? Any other advice? Thanks for reading me post. All the best!

[MrBond]

How old are you and your W? It could be the hormone treatment. Has there been any other side effects? I would contact the physician and find out first.

Next thing to understand is that regardless of whether or not it's the hormone treatment, it was ultimately her decision to leave. Sounded like she was on the high of OM and had saw a chance to leave so she took it.

Your kids are old enough so she didn't have to worry about them.

Did she ever bring up any issues concerning you? Have the two of you ever gone to MC or IC?

[tadpole1025]

MrBond, I'm 43. W is 44.
Side effects? I don't think so except she seemed to get really selfish and say things like "It's time to make decisions and do things for me." She now lies like it is going out of style.
We went to counseling for 3 sessions after she said she wanted to leave, but she quit going. I'm continuing individual counseling.
As for problems, we would drift apart from time to time, but things always got better.
I thought everything was fine before the bomb. She had started a garden and talked about painting the house. That doesn't sound like someone who wants to leave.

[sunshinelewis]

Tadpole sorry you are here.
In my opinion, and I am NO expert on anything except surviving. lol It seems like when we hit our 40's, women anyway, we think about getting older and it saddens us. Women are pressured this day and time to look thin and beautiful. Just my opinion. Your wife prb. wasnt thinking of leaving until this guy made her feel young again and she realized HEY I still got it. It is a High, and a big High when someone flirts with you and makes you feel beautiful. When we are married for many years we tend to take advantage of each other. The compliments are few and far between and marriage itst as exciting anymore. We have obligations. This guy has given your wife an escape for the time being. She is confused, as was mine. DONT pressure her. DO Listen to everything J3B and some others tell you to do. I DIDNT and it got me nowhere. You will be ok. Give her space and just listen. You dont have to believe everything she say because they LIE and LIE and LIE!

Hugs to You,
Renee

[tadpole1025]

Thanks. I appreciate it. I want this to work so badly, but realize that I may have a long road ahead of me. As of right now, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I just love her so much. I think the biggest problem of all was that I (actually WE) both got comfortable and took each other for granted. I will do whatever it takes though and keep waiting.....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Posted on 2.4.11

Hello. Please read my sitch on my thread. I'm having a really bad day. It's been 2 months today that my wife moved out. I'm trying to DB when I see her. Of course I made some mistakes in the beginning. I just wish I could have hope. I love her so much. I want her to come back, but I also know that I have to give her lots of time. The waiting is killing me. One month ago she said she wants a D, but still hasn't filed. Yesterday she said that she is starting IC. I'm not contacting her at all and that is the hardest part. Any contact we do have is initiated by her. Any advice/help/tips to help me get through this.
Thanks.

^^^Bump^^^

Tad,

Here are some positives, and while they are small they are still positives:

While she has said she wants a D, she hasn't moved forward with it.

Now a month later, instead of telling you she is seeing a lawyer, now she is saying that she is going to see an IC.

A person doesn't usually seek out an IC unless they believe there is something internal that needs a nudge, or a whack or a smack.

Waiting...

Use your time wisely. Waiting around sitting on your thumbs is not all that constructive.

Doing things with your time...and I will say this from the other side, you will never have more time to yourself than you do now. Right now? It's not what you want so you see it as a curse.
And if that is all you are willing to see it as, then sitting on your thumbs is what you will do.

If however, you use the time you have to...work out, GAL, read more, take a class, volunteer at a soup kitchen, genetically alter puppies...anything that you never thought you had the time to do before, you'll be better for it.

You improve yourself and kill time in the process.

This? This being an LBS is your choice. You could have just dropped the marrage, but instead you're sticking by your wife.
Your choice, take control of your choice, not the other way around.