A slow turn

[Bolt]

Please talk me off the ledge.
Nothing bad but I'm having one of those impatient days and NEED to keep it inside.

I feel like it's one step forward and 2 steps back and it's ALL IN MY HEAD.

I don't want instant reconciliation but a little attention? I can't remember who said it here but they said that it's so hard to fathom how someone with whom you've spent 17 years of your life with, suddenly (and seemingly without warning) doesn't want to touch you or kiss you.

My W and I are on the right track but I'm afraid that it isn't enough for me. I'm terribly afraid of backsliding BUT I can't help thinking, is this REALLY what I want? If it takes forever for her to simply give me a kiss without me asking, how am I going to make it?

I know I sound like a whiny B#tch but I have to vent somewhere to some peeps who understand the pain and the confusion.

I know this is minor but hear me out on this. I have to be online tuesday and wednesday mornings from 8-9am. We were planning on a lunch date today. I get out of my office at 9ish to find her not here. No note. No text. This girl is a textaholic and I KNOW she's texting someone. Am I that unimportant that she can't tell me where she's going? I don't need a play by play but when I assumed she was going to be here, she should have the common respect to let me know.

Seriously, it's times like these that really make me wonder if this is all worth it? I'm beginning to feel like that scene in What Dreams May Come. You know, the OK movie with Robin Williams in it? The one where his wife commits suicide and ends up in hell? Remember the part when he goes to hell to find her to bring her back - he waits a very long time with her to bring her back. But it's too late. She turns and wants to come back but he's already turned to bad.

That's where I feel I'm heading. I'm doing everything right (except patience??) Just how much can one take?

Guys, don't think that being on this side is any easier...it's not.

Just looking for some advice and an arm to pull me back off the ledge.

[punchy]

Its easy to see why so many marriages end up in divorce because I don't think there are that many people out there who are willing to put the effort and time into trying to save their marriage. Most people that I talk to about relationships, say that if they found out that their spouse no longer wants to be with them, they would be gone in a second. Why would you put yourself through all of the agony and frustration????

I ask myself this question everyday, do I really want her back? She is the mother of my children and we did have a great life at one time. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get that back for the benefit of my kids.

You are doing what the majority of people out there do not have the strength, courage or determination to do. Hang in there!

[lostinscared]

Bolt,

First piece of advice for you is to go hook up with Joel (I believe its JR09 or something like that) RIGHT NOW. If you want to learn patience, he's the master.

Second, go BACK and read your posts. Look at the progression. It's all going the right way and you have the power to keep it on track and you have the power to send it off track. Which do you choose?

Third, stop saying that you sound whiny and bitchy. We are all here to support one another and we feel what we feel. We ARE entitled to our feelings. The key here is that you express them here and not at home right now. You also have that under control.

Fourth, I understand the touch thing. I would probably pay someone $100 just to give me a hug because it's been that long. I'm desperate for someone to just touch me (everyone get your minds out of the gutter!!!!!) I think all of us can relate to that.

Fifth, ok so this is why I asked the question the other day about reconciliation. Because if you believe that is where you are, then you need to go hang out a little bit more on their boards. This is a VERY CRITICAL phase and you need to get it right. Not many of us are experts over here on this. And you do need experts on this. Everything you are feeling is normal. But you have a goal and you need to keep your eye on the goal. Love IS A CHOICE. So make that choice and stick with that decision. We don't get the luxury of moving back and forth on that decision. Sorry, but LBS's must commit to a decision and stay focused on it.

Finally, we are all here for you and will listen to whatever you've got to dish out. You've done a great job. Keep posting and keep getting those feelings out there. It's ok. You're gonna have bad days. Hang in there!!!

LIS

[grr]

bolt, i know how hard this is, but remember how much harder it all was before you got to this point
here's a thought: last year when my husband changed his mind about leaving, we leapt right back into our situation
i wish we had taken it slowly, like you are doing
if we had, it may have placed us somewhere different now
i don't know
just take a few deep breaths and keep venting here
don't let her see your impatience
tomorrow will be different
and yes, it is worth it

[Denver_2010]

I'm having the same problem Bolt. I have seen some positive progress, and boom!... I want things to go from 0-60 immediately.

I guess that we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we can actually cause damage to our positive progress by failing to have patience.

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

Bolt,

I hear ya! I know exactly how you feel. Why do we do this? In my case it is simple. I believe that I have discovered what TRUE LOVE is. Not the butterflies in your stomach or the rush you feel when you see your W/H. Not the gleam in their eye or the smile when you see them. No!

Love to me is recognizing their imperfections. Acknowledging they have hurt you and continue to do so. Seeing that they are flawed and don't seem to consider your feelings, and still forgive them. Love is accepting all these things and still wanting them. Love to me is enduring the pain they are causing and willing to stand for the M. This is the deepest love I can think of. When you feel this way there is nothing you can't do. Your W too will/will not come to this point but regardless it does not change how you feel. Is it painful? For me it is the most painful thing I have ever endured; but if I come back from this and my W and I survive I believe we will have the most magical marriage either one of us could have ever imagined.

Sometimes we are quick to surrender. We doubt ourselves and we doubt the situation but through the doubt you see the light and you get encouraged. Should you be a doormat? ABSOLUTELY NOT! You must have principles that you stand by; but remember this is something YOU have chosen to endure and that says more about you than anything else.

Just my feeble attempt to explain why I go through this. I believe that we chose to forgive when we have every right not to. This is LOVE.

This is when, I believe, a real marriage is born. This is when those words "for better or worse" begin to take their meaning. It doesn't matter which one of you decides to live by them the fact that one of you is willing, shows that true love exist.

[coldwinter]

2step, very well said!
Cold

[grr]

absolutely denver
slowly is key
remember, they are in a different place than you are
and they are getting there, but do not want to feel pressured

[ironMan]

Bolt .... I think it is a GOOD thing that you are questioning if you want to wait for her. You don't have to. Either you choose to or not.

And, let's imagine for a second that you ask for some affection and she complies. Well, she did that because you asked. Is that the kind of love you want? Do you want a M where your W begrudgingly embraces you and begrudgingly ML to you? I don't know about you ... but I had that and I never want that R back. I'm better than that.

Instead, I want a W who wants me .. not tolerates me. And, I think we all deserve that. So, if your W is ever going to get to the point where she WANTS you ... and WANTS to be with you ... she has to get there on her own. And the only way that seems possible to me is for her to have the space to come to that conclusion on her own. If you ask her for it, or she does it to be nice, or whatever ... seems like you'll be back in the same situation before long. As grr said.

So, let her go. Let her find her own path. Hopefully she finds it back to you, but you can't control IF that happens or WHEN. And if she does, great. But the only way to get what you want is to just let her come to you under her own volition and on her time table. [censored] eh? We can't control ANY of this. But, we can control what we do to pass the time while they're fumbling around trying to find out who they are and who they want to be.

[Bolt]

Wow! I am truly blessed to have found this group here. You are all fantastic at pushing me in the right direction and giving such sound advice.

I hope to return the favor often.

Punchy - You are dead on. Most people would give up. It's funny because I've gotten very close to one of my neighbors recently and he's been giving awesome advice. When I told him friday that the W has come back he congratulated me on working through it. He echoed the same sentiments as you did - not too many people can make it through this.

LIS - I did go back and reread old posts. It does give a ton of hope. I am so grateful to have this board to vent. I do think we are in reconciliation (I'll go more into what happened at lunch today in a sec to explain further). I did so much studying about how to get to this phase, that I'm not sure what to do now that we are here.

Grr - you are so right. The stuff we just went through ripped me up. I need to stay focused - once again, this group has helped tremendously.

Denver - dead on too. (I'm sensing a trend here) We can create this on our own. It's almost like we are our own worst enemies. It's funny because there are times when I think that I'm not in control - when in all actuality, I'm in complete control - of MYSELF.

Step - that is fantastic stuff man. I wish your W could read that post alone.

and finally onestep - wow! Thanks for really punching me in the gut - I NEEDED it. That is so well put. You're right and that's what I want. I've said that all along but have a hard time following that.

It all kinda goes back to what LIS said about being touched. It seems so easy to me for her to simply hold my hand or touch my shoulder when she walks by. But to her, it is a lot of work. It is also something that she said she is willing to undertake.

once again, thanks to all. I will continue to post (not that I wasn't anyway) and help you as much as I can.