Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

Thank you beatrice, Mila, and trusting. I really need help this week.

My mom offered to pay for me to go back to the therapist this month. I think I really need it. I just keep saying "how can I reconcile the person he is now with the person I knew for 23 years, I can't, and it's making me nuts." Am I supposed to think that he lost his mind? My husband lost his mind? If he didn't lose his mind, then the alternative is that someone else was better for him after 23 years where I thought I was "the one." What kind of choice is that for me to make?

I feel such regrets. Now the marriage is over. Why didn't any of us confront him? None of us, me, my family, his family, our friends, none of us really tried to stop him. He set the fuse and we all stood back and watched while it exploded. I really thought that the advice on the boards made sense, that we needed to give him space or he'd dig in harder. Well we did. And he did it all anyway.

Look what I just got from him in an email:

"I was well aware of your birthday yesterday but I didn't want to risk ruining it by contacting you. I hope you had a good one and that you did something fun. It [censored] that it was on a Monday but what can you do? Mine falls on a Wednesday, I think.

I assume by now that you have recieved the packet from family court. I just recieved mine yesterday. I was afraid that it arrived on your birthday but XXXX(guy he lives with) told me it actually came on Friday. I hope it was the same in your case so you at least got to celebrate your birthday free from the burden of me.

I will not be returning next door to get my hair cut and I told her so. However, we wil still need to communicate on some level due to the refinacing of the house and filing taxes. My lawyer will be finishing up the QDRO's now that I have the divorce decree and I will let you know what is happening as far as that goes."

Ok so do you know what this means? While I was receiving the divorce decree, he was spending the weekend away with OW. He didn't even get it till yesterday--though his roommate said it came Friday, which means that he was at the OW's or away with her somewhere through a long weekend.

You know in my mind I at least hoped that the day it came he'd be sad. He'd be at home and feel sad. He had told my sister that "it wasn't like he was off celebrating that he was getting divorced." Well this email above sounds like he was.

He sends me an email saying the marriage is all his failure 2 weeks ago, and now we're back to the "oh well, the papers came, end of our marriage and all, hope you had a nice birthday, ttyl."

WHO IS THIS PERSON???

I don't know how to handle this. I'm losing it. I swear I'm losing it. I thought I had a handle on things but clearly I do not.

I feel like the only way to survive is for me to pretend he is dead, but how do you just say "my spouse who I love is dead" when he walks the earth with someone else?? And I hate myself for still loving him!!! I can't stand that I care for someone who doesn't love me or care about me.

I'm just a wreck today, a huge wreck. I feel like all my progress is for nothing because I'm losing it back to square one.

I can't take anymore of this.