Hanging In Through Conflict - For Better or Worse

[FindingMyVoice]

Note to self. My life's most important goal has been to become a full-time professional artist (I'm just part-time - barely even that right now, actually - now). My good friend was asking questions about that today and I realized it's been months since working on it had even crossed my mind. I haven't even been in my studio since well before Christmas.

How easily I let myself caught up in M stuff and FOO stuff, and forget about myself... again. I'd be interested to see...
- if I let the M take care of itself for a while - gave up feeling like I had sole responsibility for keeping it 'on track'
- AND gave up feeling so responsible for making sense of my non-sensible relationship with my parents...

Just tossed all that crap out there to the universe or what/whoever is out there to take care of these things and instead, focused on me and that goal. Just for a few months, like an experiment. Do what it takes to get this career and my ambitions lifted again... I wonder what would happen to all the M and FOO issues. Would they kick up a stink and clamber for attention, now that they're not the sole focus of my life? Perhaps. Like Harriet Lerner's work says, For ever 'Move' I take, there'll be a 'Counter Move' by the other party.

But wouldn't it be great if instead I was so focussed, so excited about where I was taking my life I wouldn't be so bothered by any possible resulting tantrums from the peanut gallery?

And wouldn't it be great if that focus allowed me to feel centered and peaceful and in control of my own life. So good, that instead of reacting to any resulting conflict with fear and withdrawal, like I usually do, I'd find a new way to react. One I can't even imagine yet. A way that kept me in the present, responding with love, respect and integrity BUT without withdrawing into passivity and relinquishing my focus yet again.

I think I'll try it. Just an experiment. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but wouldn't it be wonderful.