Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

So within mere hours of finding that my "bonds of matrimony" are dissolved, I become sick with the worst illness I've had in about 10 years. I'm on day 4 now with no end in sight, so I'm finally going to try to get myself to a doctor to get an antibiotic. I don't think I can work all week. This is brutal. Couple that with yesterday being my birthday, and I'm an emotional wreck. All of a sudden I'm questioning AGAIN if I can ever make it out of this quagmire.

In the past 4 days, I've suddenly wondered "can I even live in this same house or will that keep me from being able to move on?"

"Will I ever stop loving him this deeply and carrying a torch for him? No, I don't think so."

"Will I ever stop thinking obsessively about him, cause I'm back at that stage AGAIN?"

"This is not what I signed up for, I wouldn't have isolated myself this far away from family and moved to this state to begin with if it weren't for the promise he made me for life, which he BROKE, and now I'm sick as a dog and no one is here to help me."

Please tell me there is a correlation between me being incredibly sick and this backsliding! I have had no trouble with the no contact but yesterday, man, I did try to contact friends for help, got no response, and it was so hard to not contact my now ex for help. I know he'd be here in a heartbeat to help if I asked. But I resisted. And it was my birthday too.

My family sent me flowers. When they got here, I went to open the card, and you know already what I did, don't you? I wished they were from him. So that when they weren't, I lost it. I bawled because he left me, because we're now divorced, because I don't UNDERSTAND, because no one in my immediate world except you guys understand because no one I know ever lost someone after 23 years, where about 20 of those years were GOOD. People are looking at the end of the marriage only and telling me how much better off I am without him, but it's like no one believes that the other 20 years were really good and fulfilling. This is why they can't understand why I can tjust move on.

I just can't imagine being with anyone else for SO many years to come because I still feel so deeply for him and I know that because I know that, I'm condemning myself to this solitary existence for years where I have to impose on other families to help me when I'm sick because there is no one here to help me.

I know I'm rambling, I just felt like a jerk for crying when the flowers weren't from him but were from family. My family never abandoned me. He did. It sickens me that I can't stop feeling this attachment to him.

And no he didn't contact me on my birthday. I think he probably figures it does more harm than good.

Anyway I just had to vent and I hope that it's the illness that is making me crazy more than my own head.