2step, check out my sitch when you get a sec. I had the W who thought she missed out on something. I was very lucky in that she ended up going back home to OH (we live in CA) and she saw that the alternative was pretty bad.
You're right! She isn't 22 anymore. My W is nearly 40 and she saw that there were a bunch of single 40 year olds trolling. She was depressed and thought it pathetic. She came screaming back to me.
When you read my sitch, you'll see that I didn't follow the DB to a tee. I think you have to understand your sitch and your spouse. I knew when the right time to pursue and when not to. I was just like you when there were texts or convos.
BUT - If you do keep your convos short, there will be more of them. It's so odd why that happens but it does.
I will say that having her contact you is pretty big. Take solace in the fact that she thought about you and asked about your weekend.
One last thing kinda related to that. My C told me to treat expectations as if I was divorced. In other words, don't expect anything. If I was divorced, would my W contact me by text to ask how my day was? Would she touch my shoulder when she walked by?
If you treat them like gifts and not expectations, you'll be in a much better place. PLUS expectations almost ALWAYS let you down. We need everything we can to be up.
Stay strong!!!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I appreciate it very much. Sadly there are so many people going through this heartache I have not had a chance to read them all. I will spend the time to read your sitch tonight from start to finish.
I like the way your C described it, I will work hard on that. Sometimes the feeling overwhelms me normally it has to do with my D. I feel as if I have failed her and she really misses my W. I see the hurt in her eyes and when I really lose it is when she does little things to help me out. "Daddy I finish my HW today because I know you are sad and I wanted you to be proud of me" the one that really ripped my guts out was when she said “I have no mother! They both left me. What is wrong with me?" I wanted to collapse at that moment. Instead I kept my cool drove home had my sister watch her while I drove around sobbing like a child.
Either way there is a lot of comfort in your words. If it wasn’t for you guys I really don’t know what I would do.
W called tonight to talk to D about the Bday card and money she sent. Called D phone and spoke to her for a few minutes. Then she called me. I was not expecting it. Small talk nothing of note. She talks about the blizzard they are expecting and about her job a little bit. I decided to risk the DB question in a roundabout way and this is how that exchange went
M "so what does your schedule look like for the week?"
W "I'll be in Ponca for the week but I should be good for Thursday"
M "oh ok. Just wanted to make sure there was no conflict"
W "nope I'll be free"
M "ok good well have a good night and be careful driving in the snow"
W "I will. Goodnight"
That was that. It was encouraging that she remembered the appt for the DB coach. I was happy to hear it.
Awhile back she mentioned how she had to file because that was closure. A part of me thinks she is waiting to see if I actually sign the papers and send them back to see if I really meant what I said about wanting her to be happy and respecting her wishes. That is my hope.
Another part says she will follow through with the D because that is what she really wants. That is my reality part.
I still believe if she felt she had a way out of this she would take it, but I could be dreaming about that part.
The conversation was light and pleasant and it was also short 6 minutes.
2step, She re-confirmed the DB coach appt for thursday w/o you asking. That is perfect. If she were wanting to go through with everything, she wouldn't be doing the session with you. All is good, my friend.
B.I.T.S.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
And you know what?? We'll all be here with you until Thursday. I, for one, will be waiting anxiously to see what happens because I am definitely in your cheering section.
Please remember, though, 2Step, not everything is riding on Thursday. Please. I don't want you to think that if she doesn't show up or it doesn't go well that it's suddenly over because that isn't true.
What are the plans this week to keep you busy? I see that you are going to have more shoveling to do. Such joy! You folks must be sick to death of the snow. What else is going on?
You are right I have to remember that Thursday is a nice step but by no means a benchmark to place my hopes on. At this point I still don't know if I will be on the call or if it is just going to be W and DB coach. I am still trying to figure that out. I was thinking of letting W chose if she wanted me on there or not.
I am mailing back the papers today but I am scared as heck to do it. She has not brought it up but at some point I have to mail them. I think I will reach my breaking point if the whole thing goes through and she does not stop it.
Sandi,
You are right of course I have to always remember these words
For every big mistake you make be grateful!
That mistake you'll never make again!
Each abysmal failure makes a point! Every glowing path that goes astray, Shows you how to find a better way. So every time you stumble never grumble. Next time you'll bumble even less!
2Step, If it helps, I would say that you are in a very good position. You say that your W is DBing too. That's very good!!
My wife says that she just wants to move on and just wants to make it easy for both of us.
I have already signed and sent the signature waiver last week. So it means that the D process has started. The next step is me contacting her to ask her what she needs from this D. I too am planning to go at it without the A. We dont have that much money saved up. So i dont want those A's eating them up...
The A route is horrendous with those eating up on both sides. I am hoping that my W will be rational to see that and see if we can carve out who gets what...
Thats the devastating part for me. I dont want the D to happen. But when i am talking to her, I am trying to stay strong and let her have what she wants. I told her on sunday "W, you wanted to be happy. I too want your happiness. So if D makes you happy, so be it". These were the hardest words that i have said to her. Kills me inside to see her go through this. Kills me to know that my D will grow knowing me less. I have made up my mind that i will try to grow as a person and will try to pursue her even after the D.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
