LL, OK. The only think you have control of is you. You, You, You. What can YOU do that would be different from what you are doing that he MIGHT notice, or MIGHT like? If nothing changes, then nothing will change LL. You give such wonderful advise to others. Think of what would be good for YOUR M. Can you think of anything at all? Rachael
you know I've been asked several times on this bb what kind of advice I'd give myself if I weren't myself...never bothered to answer that question cause the answer would be give up chiquita...you've been trying for too damn long and it aint getting any better...infact it's only gotten worse..you weren't happy with the r when you married him and then he went and had an a and left you...why are you even with him?
at this point t2 there is no reason and I'm not playing the game anymore...tired of looking for positives just to keep me going on in a r that doesn't exist..the positives are petty.
there is no quality he holds that I admire...there is nothing that makes me want to be with him..
perhaps I should go back to that foolish little 16 year old girl that I once was and ask her wtf she saw in him..cuase I don't see anything. LL
Quite a dichotomy here, LL...He's setting up the tree for your family Christmas and you're wondering what you EVER saw in him! OY!
Does he have a clue as to how you're feeling? Is he trying in his own way to smooth things?
I'm curious LL, and forgive me if you've done this exercise before but It might be helpful to list the specific things that you'd like to see your H do/cut back on doing/say etc.
You know what I'm getting at here...what are the concrete things he could do (now don't jumpt ahead with "he just won't" at this point).
Eg>
1) Make an afternoon or evening once a week to watch the kids so LL can have some LL time
2) Ask LL out to dinner or a movie once a month
3) Tell LL she's sexy! Gorgeous! Hot!
4) be more observant of and open to LL's attempts to get physical
5) Be more consistent with sexual advances
6) Invite LL to X# of football games a season
7) Oh yeah, is this still relevant? Drop OW as a customer!!!
Now these are just some of my fairly educated guesses...what would you change or add?
The idea I suppose is to get a firm grasp of what is missing, of what just MIGHT make this feel like a real M for you.
And then of course....comes the goal setting.
Or heck skip ahead...write up a contract with your requirements and ask H if he thinks he can live up to it (some negotiation might be necessary...he may have a few ideas of his own!)....
What do you think he'd do LL? I mean really...if it was work on these elements of a good M, or leave....or not much better....hang on with unfulfilled desires, unhappiness and raise the kids to have their mother's disappointment and father's oblvion as their models of what an M should be??
Harsh, I know, but maybe your H needs a little tough love.
Maybe a New Year's contract? A wish list? Resolutions?
Hope your tree is pretty...I think ours is going up tomorrow. CJ's done all the windows now
no h wasn't putting up the tree he was jus bringing one home..the tree is still sitting out on the deck waiting.
actually talked to him last night..as usual it always just turns to an argument...
ultimately his response....
"I'm just me" "this is just the way I am"
bla bla bla.....
when I tried to express how it makes me feel that there is always time for work or football etc..no matter if he's tired or busy he makes the time..but for this m/r/me it can wait his reply....didn't I just take you away twice in the past couple of months...
oh yeah I forgot about the fact that we went away me foolishly thinking maybe it would be nice and we'd feel a litle closer...gee seems to me like I tagged along with h while he sat at bars eating dinner and watching football..and let's not forgtet I sat in a bubbly hot tub alone right in front of him while he watched football...oh ya those were really great weekends that made me feel like we are getting closer.
h will always be h...I'm tired of asking him to work on this r...he thinks it can just exist...I've explained to him more than once the dangers of just taking the inactive route...
I'm too tired to do much of anything about it anymore...
LL, Simple question. Do you LOVE your H. Maybe I should say, are you IN LOVE with your H. If you read in DBing it says plain as the nose on your face that one of the common excuses for leaving a M is that one party feels that things have been bad for too long and they will never change. Michele says, "Not true." It's NEVER too late to change, and a person CAN change. If your not going to give up on your H just yet, you have to change yourself first if you want him to change. Go back to DBing and read the first few chapters. That might motivate you some. Maybe not, but it's worth a shot isn't it?? Rachael
You don't need to feel sorry for me, I am fine. I am alive and well. I have hopes and dreams, something that was in short supply during marriage. For that, I blame myself.
And no, I didn't say to send him packing. But when it comes to something new you say "I can't do that." But you can. Did you ever think you may be doing both of you a favor by doing so?
What does it matter? You are going down the path of slowly losing your feelings for this man. Is that what you want? Do you want to slowly lose your feeling so that no matter what he does, it won't matter? Do you want to wake up in 10 or 15 years and have no feeling but disdain for the guy? That is the path you are on. You have even told me that had your H not done what he did, you were walking the path towards an affair at the very least. You say here how you fear you may meet someone intellectual more in tune with your state of mine. So then what happens, you dump your H for another man. Inaction is not going to correct your situation. So what does it matter? Does it matter to you whether your life with your H gets better or are you happy to just keep the staus quo until you find something better?
I am telling you this stuff because obviously you have some hope that things will become better. And I am relating to you what I see from my situation to what I see in your situation because I have an understanding how the inattentive male mind works.
had a conversation with h last night...(ok it was more of an argument..doesn't matter what brought it out but it was all there in the end) h either says nothing at all or simply accuses me of being a misserable person in general (I don't know imp, you met me, am I misserable in general?) or simply gives me the "that's just me" sentiment...
I explained to him yet again the path that we are walking..that eventually (I don't know when, I can't give a timeline) could be a year could be 5, that I just wont care anymore..that each time I try to express myself and evoke some small change in the r and nothing happens it's another nail in the coffin...h sits in silence..saying nothing...he never says much of anything unless it's to say...why don't you just call a laywer..or I'm not going anywhere (in anger not in a I love you and I'm not leaving you, more of a "this is my house woman and I'm not leaving")
so trying to talk to him about things never goes well...I don't think we've ever had an "argument" that gets resolved it typically ends with him going to sleep and my forcing myself to go to sleep and the next day he acts as if nothing happend..maybe I'll get a hug or something that I'm supposed to interperet the meaning behind but in the end nothing really changes.
it's not about me changing...I've made the changes about the only one left is for me to get on meds and become a tupperware party throwing emotionless housewife like the rest of the stepfords.
I've asked directly for what I want (and it's not much)I've explained how it makes me feel that he seems to not care enough to meet some of my needs in the r.
sorry if this is jumbled the kids are at my feet....gotta go play.
