"You say caretaking tendencies shared by most MLC spouses? Is that so? Is that why 'this' is given to us, because we can deal with it and 'sit it out'??"
Well, apparently we marry people whose issues mesh with our issues in such a way that we are what David Schnarch calls "perfect sparring partners"--together, we create dynamics which force us to become emotionally more healthy (and therefore satisfied with our relationships). We force each other to make the changes we need to make. So "this" isn't really given to us to sit out--we need to work on ourselves while our partner works on himself.
The thing about caretakers is that they tend to ignore their needs because their needs were ignored when they were children. They hope that if they rescue/help others, they will get the love they seek, and feel great about themselves. So, they need to learn how to feel good about themselves without being codependent on other people. Also, they need to learn to allow others to stand on their own feet without needing to be rescued (because the people being taken care of come to resent the "martyr" stance of the caretaker).
I'm sure that as you read the various situations on this forum, you will see all the ways in which the LBS overcome their caretaking tendencies and begin to live more authentically, which will get you thinking about what you'd like your life to look like.
You say you "put up with a lot" in your relationship--was this really what you wanted to be doing? Is this what an ideal relationship really looks like, in your heart? Or was it a case of caretaking--putting his agenda ahead of yours to feel good about your generosity and open-mindedness? It's worth thinking about.
And, yes, people here find themselves thinking in a way they've never done before.... But scratching this brain itch does lead to new insights.
