So it's been a while since I've posted and I have come a long way in the last 4 months. But the last two weeks have been just one giant step after another.
1/20 - Came home from business trip and things were fine. W and I had good discussions about my trip. Went to bed and everything was almost as if things were completely normal.
1/21 - W went over a GF house at night. I was slightly annoyed since I had not seen her in about 7 days. I didn't let W know I was annoyed. W came home at about 10:30 PM and we talked about her night. Was a good discussion. We had a few drinks and went to bed. Still spooning every night.
1/22 = W was out ALL day. She had to work in the morning and then went out with GF's till about 6pm. She called several times just to say hi. That night W asked if I wanted to watch a movie. So we watched until about 10pm. I dozed a few times on the chair. We both sat on the same chair real close and just enjoyed wine and the movie. At 10 W asked me if I wanted to take a bath, Ummmm, ya!!!! So we got out the champagne, lit he candles and in the tub we went. Stayed in the tub and talked for 2 hours. No R talks just fun stuff. Then it was bed time and for the first time in over 4 months we ML. Was very nice.
1/23 - So we wake up the next morning and I tell the W I'm going downstairs. Off I go to make some breakfast. W usually follows close behind. Not this time. So after about 20 minutes I go back up. Asked if she wanted anything and I could tell she wanted me to stay. Soooo let’s just say it was a very good morning. She was very attentive…
The rest of the week went great. I won’t go into details but I will say that we have ML 5 times in the past 8 days (including this morning). It’s actually almost back to normal. I am keeping my changes going so I don’t take things for granted.
I will say that the only thing that saved me was allowing my W time to figure her stuff out. I was very lucky. Believe it or not I registered for this 7 days BEFORE my W met OM. You see I was planning to be a WAS. I was tired of W’s crap. Tired of the stress. But then SHE turned it around. Luckily, I put DB’ing to practice and it worked out perfectly. Still not a done deal but we are light years from where we were. At one point, W was looking at apartments and telling me it’s over and that she doesn’t love me and that we are no longer a couple. Now just 4 months later things are so different.
Now I just need to stay on track. We still read books together, and spoon every night. I am still the aggressor when it comes to physical affection. There is much SHE still needs to work out. We have MC this Sunday and I will focus on changes we BOTH need to make. Each of us needs to feed the others LL in order for us to stay close. I have learned that relationships are very fragile. One needs to really pay attention to the needs of their spouse. I have been meeting her needs for months and she is finally starting to meet mine.
Right now I am a DB success. But I know that could all go away in the blink of an eye. I will post every now and then to update.
Thanks to all that helped me get through this. I still come here to read and learn every day. You are all wonderful people that have a difficult road ahead. Keep the faith. Know that you are all in the right by wanting to save your M.
I pray that everyone will find peace and happiness.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
hi happy! so glad you are at this place just please, please don't take anything for granted i was successful last year at turning my situation around (my husband wanted a divorce) and now i find myself back here, a little over a year later it is a two way street, but i did not pay attention when we fell back into old habits all the best and i hope it works out for you
"Oh, I don't know that. Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up. And we go out we have a few drinks, and a few laughs and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? It's for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin'. Just left. I don't know much, but I know that.”
You made me think about that quote in the movie. The best part of my day is when I sign on here. I hope that I don't see any of you again because your marriages are fixed. I am just so happy for you SBD. So happy!!!! Keep the changes going and stop in once in a while to let us know how you are doing!
grr, thanks so much. I have been reading your sitch and I am sorry you are back. Don't take the full blame. BOTH people need to feed each others LL. The behavior of one changes the other. This not only works FOR a M but also against it.
lost, I love that movie. And I remember that part. I have been reading your sitch as well. Keep wrking lost. You are doing the right things.
One last thing. I took the hard line approach with regard to OM. I told W that if she continues to see HIM then she needs to leave. Leave the bedroom right away and leave the house within 60 days. I still believe that was the correct choice. I believe that a spouse will not respect you if you let it go on. I understand everyone's sitch is different. But allowing an EA or PA to go on is such disrespect. My W was in an EA. That is over and has been for 3 months. If she decides to see, talk, text. or email, she's done! There are consequences to bad choices. Yes, I ran the risk of losing W. But I need to look myself in the mirror every morning.
So I asked myself, "do you deserve a faithful spouse?" Answer, DANM RIGHT I DO!!!
And you all do too...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
You SIR are my HERO! Well for those of you looking for a success story look no further, I know it is only the first chapter but atleast the story has begun.
Hope, EXACTLY!!! We can all agree to work on our M. But a spouse that will not end an A is not only refusing to work on the M, they are damaging their S. Killing them slowly from the inside out. People often ask on this site,
"who were you when you met your S? Be that person."
The answer is that I was a man on integrity and respect. I was someone that would not tollerate a cheater let alone allow it to knowingly go on. That's who I was. And you know something? That's who I am!
BTW Hope, I have been reading your sitch too. You are on a roller coaster for sure. Keep working!!!
2step, thanks bud. I have seen all your progress. Don't stop the train buddy! This is difficult but worth it...
So odd the way thing shift back. I believe our WAS really want to be back with us. It's the fear that keeps them away. The goal is to show them that they no longer need to fear us. That our changes are real. At the same time (or soon after) they too need to understand their roll in the demise of the M. Otherwise we risk resenting our S. My W knows her mistakes. She knows that she needs to change too. And she knows that if she does not, she risks me leaving. She does not get another chance. She will never hurt me like that again. I will not tollerate it. If she does, then she will really get to enjoy her dream of being alone. And I am positive that her dream will turn into a nightmare that she will not be able to wake from. I am not being a harda$$ or cocky... My views about EA/PA have not changed from the beginning. I simply will not tollerate being cheated on EVER AGAIN!!!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I am sooo happy for you! Reading about success here on the site bolsters our hope that one day, we too will attain our goals.
It is a relatively quick turn around for you. I am so glad you persevered and you efforts ahve paid off. I stil remember the times you were so ucertain.
Take care, keep the positive changes going!
Will say a prayer of thanks for you!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thanks Angel, I know that you too are on the right track. One of the biggest things I had on my side was the fact that W never left. At the same time, I fear if she had I too would have moved on.
You are right. I was hurting bad. It was the fear of losing my family and the shock my kids would face. My kids are my life. Always have been.
I pray for you Angel. DB does work. But I believe boundaries are the key as well as mutual respect. I stoped respecting W. Won't do that again...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
'The behavior of one changes the other." how right you are about that we are both to blame with that one because of his upbringing, he has always been a bit of a disconnected person and while at first that made me try harder, in the past few years, i have started to disconnect from him but there are, of course, my own issues that came into play that he fed into as well
