SA, I did not tell my husband that I was consulting a lawyer, or that I had consulted one. I realised that I was an adult being faced with an major business deal [it is important not to get emotionally sidetracked by the divorce: yes it hurts, acknowledge that, but keep your brain engaged at all times]. Why would you tell your husband, and what would it achieve? Will it make him less cross? Does this matter?
It is normal to hire a lawyer, you are not 'blinsliding him' in any normal sense, just behaving like a responsible adult, and taking control of your own life.
One thing you can check out with your lawyer is the reality of any threats he might make. It was very useful to me to be able to state calmly what the facts were. It is much less frightening to have knowledge.
I am sorry that 28 years has been reduced to a business deal, and it hurts, but you will find that real healing will take place after the divorce. You are free, no more threats, and what you have is yours. It is actually a great relief. People said it, and I didn't believe them. It is very sad, but the reality is they are gone, for now. The divorce makes it official, and usually costs them more than it costs the lbs - both financially and emotionally. In their heads they will be free of us, but the exit price to marriage is high for both parties, the difference being that we know it and they don't.
I am so sorry that you are finding yourself faced with all of this. As you may know I am eyeball deep in it myself. I can only tell you that the pain is real today and it will lessen with time. Time and acceptance will prevail here and it will get you through. I am not sure where I stand right now in my sitch, my lawyer has let me down big time and I am in limbo about how to proceed going forward.
My advice to you on your last question to posters....
Go to the Lawyer, do not tell H you have hired one/who. Leave that up to your lawyer to inform H and his attorney that they have been retained by you as legal counsel. Keep it business like as has already been suggested.
Since you are the one being served, I just went through this myself and not knowing the State's laws where you live, I think you will have 20 days from receipt to answer the summons. Your lawyer will take care of these details for you. Hire one fairly quickly so as not to waste this time. I also counterclaimed my H's complaint. It gives me certain rights as to the progress of the proceedings and I was able to state many points on my own behalf against my H's actions as I deemed necessary.
If H tries to engage you in divorce talk and legalities and such about settlements and rights refuse to discuss this with him, instead refer him to your attorney....that's what you will be paying them to do....represent you.
From my experience, your H will try to engage you probably more than once especially if he does not like what he is presented with. He will also likely test the water to see how your frame of mind is going through this process. So at all times remain calm, cool and collected in his presence.
SA, you have much support here. The "family" we create on these boards will be here day and night to see that you stay strong and grounded. It will be very hard, there is something in knowing we are not alone and there is immeasurable comfort knowing all these wonderful people are here to help.
My thoughts are with you, take care of YOU.
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
This is where my mindset has to be. 28 years has been reduced to a business deal. SA
I just want to say, that ^^^^ is not true. It is JUST and business deal. Nothing can take away the goodness of 28yrs you have had together. Don't let these proceedings diminish that, you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself. Your H is out in never-never-land and may or may not ever return. But even H can't take and erase 28yrs. (((HUGS)))
Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
While you are correct that nothing can take away from Seekings (or any of our) memories, right now, Seeking NEEDS to put that in a box, on a shelf, and view this as a business deal.
She has had a bit of time to grieve, and there will be more time for that, but when decision making and speaking to lawyers is involved, there can not be emotions driving her.
Emotions drive our MLCer's. What it brings, is destruction, at every turn.
SA,
Sweetie, you also need to know...
This is the end if YOU decide to move ON after this.
There is nothing wrong with living, making no decision either way, and just seeing what comes your way. You may be amazed. I know I was
Life and God don't always bring you what you are expecting.
As far as them... they do things to try to get to us. They accuse of things and look for our reactions. When they can't seem to bring a reaction in one way anymore, often they switch to different tactics.
When my H couldn't get a rise out of me by telling me how horrible I was, then it was D papers. When that didn't bring fear, it was our son. And then the OW. No more reactions from me. Why? Because my changes are real and for me, not for him.
After that, after they realize that nothing works anymore, that you aren't the person that they think they saw (unless the continue to rewrite and change history, which some do), they have no choice but to look inside. And they will run from that. Believe me they will run. Your H, is still running SA.
Remember that fair, goes both ways. And the time comes when we have to stop "protecting" them from the consequences of their choices.
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
While you are correct that nothing can take away from Seekings (or any of our) memories, right now, Seeking NEEDS to put that in a box, on a shelf, and view this as a business deal.
She has had a bit of time to grieve, and there will be more time for that, but when decision making and speaking to lawyers is involved, there can not be emotions driving her.
Emotions drive our MLCer's. What it brings, is destruction, at every turn.
Cat, maybe my words did not express what I was trying to say. I did say this is just a business deal. What I wanted to express was the this was NOT the SUM of the past 28 years. I hope that makes better sense. She does need to approach this without emotion, but she is putting emotion in it when she stated it was the SUM of her 28yr M.
Blessings
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Cat is correct when she says I have to see this as a business transaction only. My memories, thoughts and feelings about my M and the blessings it has brought me are stored safely away in my heart for now.
I cannot let my heart interfere with my head when going through this. If that were to happen I would not be able to properly protect my children and myself.
At this point, the sum of my 28 year marriage does come down to a business deal. As I said in the earlier post this is where my mindset has to be for me to get through this.
Beatrice, Sanderika, Punkin, Lorie, Cat, and CW. Your posts have helped immensely. I sincerely appreciate everyone's input.
The strength that I see in all you ladies that have walked this path before shows me there is a wonderful life to be had after all is said and done. Yes, I will come out the other side better than OK. You ladies are living proof! Thank you for being here and paying it forward. You are giving the ones who have come afterward a priceless gift. God Bless You!
I do have the appointment set up to see the L. I feel a bit relieved about that.
SA - I'm reading along too....just don't have much wisdom to add these days. All I can say that you are an incredible lady and that I believe in karma....keep being the kind, considerate person you are and you can't go wrong.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
