Piecing is almost harder than before...

[XYZ]

This process is killing me and it all has to do with my ability to be patient. When I look at it logically, I really see lots of small improvements. At least I think I see them. Sometimes I wonder if I really see small things or just make them up in my head so I think things are getting better. I catch her smile in a way that looks like the "old" smile and I wonder, is that something? Or is it an illusion? Really hard to know sometimes.

W and I had a great weekend. Kids were at the grandparents all day on Saturday until mid-day on Sunday. W, tells me she is having lunch with a friend on Saturday. At first, I was disappointed that she didn't want to spend that time with me and then realized that this was one of the things she used to not do much of because she thought I didn't want her to. My coach tells me that as she feels more comfortable and safe with me, she'll start to express more and more items from way back that were issues for her but she didn't feel safe expressing before. I think this was one of those. She also asked if I minded if she had a drink with another friend Wednesday after work. Again, same thing. I was completely fine with both. She's talking about buying a bike and doing a walk for charity. I really think she's now trying to address all sorts of items in her life that she didn't like, but maybe wasn't comfortable that I would support her before. I'm being 100% supporting now and she tells me that knows it.

She's excited about me meeting this friend of her's soon. She keeps telling me "you'll really like her". This is big because this friend was a big point of contention for us a year or so ago, but I've changed my tune on W spending time without me and she sees it.

We went to dinner and had a real date night out Saturday. It was very nice and we had a great time. I see (again, I think I do) so many small improvements. From the way she laughs to catching her look at me and the way we talk. We even had a little mild flirtation via text message yesterday. She sent me a bit of a naughty comment and I replied - being careful not to go too far. We went back and forth a few times. This type of thing used to happen regularly, but hasn't in quite a while. Again, I see that as a small step forward.

Last night, W was very tired and not feeling well and went to bed early. I took care of the kids and got them fed, bathed and off to bed. Just a couple minutes ago, I get a TM from w: "Thank you for running the routine last night. That just came over me. ILY" I replied: "No need for thanks. I am there for you and I'm trying (hard) to show you every single day. I love you, lady"

But then....there's still almost zero physical affection. No hand-holding, very occasional peck on the lips, but more often she gives me the cheek. This morning when I left for work I got the one-arm, side hug. It felt so nice to me, but it kills me. I just want to grab her and hug her and kiss her for hours, but I don't. It really makes me wonder how long I can keep going with this. It's so difficult. I try to keep a long term perspective and see where we were 3 months ago, or 5 months ago and where we are now. I just don't get that physical part. It makes me feel like this dumda$$ high school kid chasing the girl that wants to be friends but nothing more -- I was that guy once (25 years ago); and didn't like it then, don't like it now. How/when will this part end?