Punkin and Beatrice, thank you so much for your posts and for understanding and support.
Beatrice, during your D proceedings did your XH ever resent what he had to give you in the D agreement? I know my H will be furious when I present my proposals. As far as he is concerned this is a done deal and I agreed to it. This is not speculation or mind reading. This is the way the D papers read. They even say that these things are being done this way because it has been agreed upon. I know that those are just words on the paper, but they are what my H truly thinks and believes.
In reading over the papers I find that H has been giving me $263.00 less in C/S every two weeks for our 2 girls than what his salary indicates he should be paying. In the papers it says we agreed to that because he would pay for Christmas and the girl's school clothes and activities. That adds up to over $6000 less per year than what he should be paying. He doesn't spend near that much between Christmas and school clothes plus activities per year. This was complete news to me as it is something I never agreed to. I also have suspicions about some of the other proposals. Red flags all over the place. He is using 2009 income and what was in his retirement and pension at that time. It would be considerably more now as his place of work picked up in 2010. No legal separation agreement was filed proceeding this so I wonder if we have to base this off of 2009 figures? (He left in Oct. 2009). These questions are why I need a L.
I am going to the lawyer and I will follow his advice. I will tell him I didn't want this. I will follow Snodderly's advice and aim for more than is fair and will be grateful if I can get close to that. It will all cement H's resentment, but it really is his choice.
Only a teeny, tiny, velvet padded 2 x 4 from me because it sounds as though you're taking on at least some responsibility for your H's unhappiness about supporting his family all those years. Your H is an adult and when an adult in a M realizes they're harboring resentment for some reason or other it's their responsibility to talk about it with their spouse. The tricky part comes when the unhappy spouse can't tell us that their unhappiness is threatening the R so that a solution can be negotiated. In your case, YOU took care of H's children from his first M and I'm sure that you treated them like they were your own biologic children. YOU made his life much easier by doing that and that fact alone allowed him to succeed in his career.
I have been a career woman for 30 years in male dominated fields (most of these men have wives who either don't work or work part-time) and I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that YOU contributed in substantial ways to your H's success. I will tell you this even if your H won't. There were many, many times I would have loved having someone have dinner ready for me when I came home; or done the grocery shopping, laundry, cleaned the house, picked up the dry cleaning, etc.; buying Christmas, birthday gifts etc. for family and friends; or massaged my shoulders when I was pulling an all-nighter to meet a deadline.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
During the BD he did say that he'd worked like that to escape the kids and I.
Your H is re-writing history here. Punkin is right. That ^^^^^^^ is shizbot. H needs to put on his big-boy panties and take responsibility for his decisions. By having your own children with H you gave him the kind of joy that he probably didn't experience in his first M when his children were young. I knew that I couldn't afford to have children as a single woman and feel that I have missed out on one of the great joys of life. I'm guessing that your H worked/works long hours because he works in a competitive field (I may be wrong about this). He may need to do that to remain competitive. THAT was a choice that HE made. Unless you pushed H to earn a lot of money, he probably had other options but chose not to take them because he didn't WANT to earn less. He probably enjoys his work too (I was passionate about my previous job) and you allowed him to work in that field for many, many years. You gave HIM that gift!!!!
Originally Posted By: beatrice
I have a very close male friend who went through a MLC..... he said he felt angry and resentful about his kids and his marriage and his wife, and totally trapped.
This hit me between the eyes because my XH used the same word: "trapped". He said that he felt trapped in our M, but we have no children, we both made a good living, and my H/XH came and went whenever he wanted to. I really don't think the "trapped" feeling is only due to having the responsibility of children. It seems to be an MLC thing.
You should not feel guilty about asking for what you and your children need to provide for your futures. You have given your H a fulfilling life he may not have had if he had M'ed someone else.
Hi SA - I was reading through the posts and GAG's comment about feeling "trapped" caught my eye. When my H wanted to leave (6 months into the affair) he used the words "I'm dying in here" and "I feel trapped"....definitely a MLC thing...but wondering if there was no OW would he still feel that way?
SA - you were equal partners...you each had your roles in the marriage that were equally important...you made the choices of how to contribute to the family together...don't let him make you feel that you deserve less just because you didn't make as much money as he did. If you would add up the hours that you each had to put in to do your work...I bet you anything that you would log in more hours as a mother and a household manager then your H at his job
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I really think that the OW is a symptom not a cause.
Originally Posted By: Mila
When my H wanted to leave (6 months into the affair) he used the words "I'm dying in here" and "I feel trapped"....definitely a MLC thing...but wondering if there was no OW would he still feel that way?
Pretty sure our H's would have found another way to "escape" their trapped feelings if the OW hadn't happened along. They may have been "escaping" for years, but something happened to make their previous coping strategies ineffective.
SA - imo a lot of MLC is about taking power and control in any way they can, it is about getting even with the wrongs that [they think] were done to them when they were powerless.
Sorry, but reasonableness doesn't even enter into it. They want the world to be the way they think it should be. My ex husband most certainly wanted a very different settlement. He actually got a very good deal anyway, but by no means what he wanted. So yes, he resented it a lot. I think a part of him wanted to simply write me out of existence, so he could have all the money and no guilt.
You most certainly do want a lawyer of your own to challenge all of the 'anomalies' in what your h is saying.
Yes, I have been told I agreed to things that I did not agree. They are living in fantasy land and this is sad, but you need income and capital, and you are entitled to a fair share, which will not be what your husband thinks is fair.
It is horrible that they are so mean about everything, but they are different people right now.
Once you have found a lawyer you can work with, you will have someone 'on your side' This will help you to feel less isolated and more empowered. If necessary all correspondence can be routed through the lawyer - I did this and it saved a lot of heartache. My lawyer would read the stuff, and advise me.
SA, You will feel a lot better once you've spoken to a lawyer. I would offer you one caution, do not allow your lawyer to talk you into things that you do not want nor push you to rush things. He/she is being paid a pretty penny to advise and protect you, not he other way around.
As for the mlcer feeling trapped and resentful...I've not seen too many that didn't feel this way. Mine went from a rather nice person to an angry bull in the china closet when the separation agreement was presented to him and he stayed that way for 2 1/2 year. After the divorce, I didn't hear nor see him for almost 3 years. I'm sure he was a complete nut during that time.
I know that you are a bit concerned about his reaction, but SA, you didn't ask for none of this and now you have to protect yourself and your family. You must protect yourself financially.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My friend, I want you to know that how you are feeling is normal and a necessary part of the journey.
I, too, felt badly about h feeling as if I should not get anything because he worked for years while I was home.
Please don't let your h's rewritten history stop you from seeing things as they were.
I know, without a doubt, that h wanted me to be home when our son was small. I know, without a doubt, that I contributed just as much to the running of our home and our family. I had just as much invested emotionally and spiritually.
And when I began to work, I contributed as much as I could.
We were a team, partners. Nothing he can say can change that fact.
So, I'm sorry your h chooses to remember things differently than how it actually happened.
But you were a vital part of the family as deserve to be treated as such. You helped raise his children for goodness sakes.
Please do not let his anger deter you from getting what is fair.
This is what he wanted. This is how divorce works. Too bad for him if it's not working out the way he planned,
When you meet with your lawyer, have all your questions written out. Tell him or her what you need in order to be able to survive.
Seeking, as you continue of this path, you will know your truths and will learn to accept them.
Thank you for your posts Beatrice, Snodderly, CW and Brook. I have been deeply processing everything that has been written to me. I need to thank everyone for trying to help me regain my balance. I know your wisdom did not come without intense pain.
I do have a question. My H informed me that D papers were coming. It is obvious in them that he believes we will be using one L. Do I tell him that I will be seeing a L, or do I tell him after the fact, or not at all, and let it blindside him?
I know as sure as I'm sitting here that the first and foremost threat that he will use when he finds out is that we will have to sell the house. I also know that I've taken the burden of the house off of him for a year now. He's paid nothing even though his name is still on it. If he wants to sell to get 'even' with me or as a punishment, he will be cutting off his nose to spite his face as it will cost him a whole lot to get it ready to sell.
He's had it pretty good for the time he's been gone. By his choice it will probably get pretty ugly for a while.
I am taking the advice of everyone who has posted to me and going after my share. I will be fair while treating this as a business transaction. Some wise one told me that I wouldn't let a business partner cheat me. This is where my mindset has to be. 28 years has been reduced to a business deal.
Thank you again to everyone who has helped pull me out of the pit. I am blessed to have found you all.
