Sitting in my house all alone...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Keep it up. I hope you enjoy your visit with your kids! Keep us posted.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Navyguy]

Well, the trip to go see the kids is coming up fast. I'm very nervous about how I'm going to interact with my W. I feel like it is going to be next to impossible for me to hold back the tears when I get off the plane and see the kids (W will be there too). Should I try to hold it back or just let them flow?

I miss them so much, and I know it's going to be so hard to not ask her to come back while I'm there, especially if I know I'm not going to see the kids again for awhile. My goal is to stay positive and not bring up any M talk, but this still feels so unfair to me, especially since I'm willing to bend over backwards to make any accomodations she wants when she comes back. When we had the original blow-up after Christmas she said she would never take the kids away from me...but that's exactly what she's doing right now. I don't know what to believe...is she doing this to make things better in the long run, or does she really not care that she's keeping me from the kids right now? Ugh, so many questions that I can't ask or bring up right now.

We've been having some positive interactions, but seeing as she is so good at burying her emotions, I am worried that she is doing that again. We had a good talk on the phone last night and I kept it very light, and ended it on my terms. She still hasn't opened up much at all to me, and that is hard to deal with, since I finally feel like I have the tools to communicate with her in a way she would appreciate. I'm making all these positive changes and she's not around to see them! Aaargh!

Well, better get back to work. As always, any support and advice is always deeply appreciated.

[Navyguy]

Ugh, bad night. I just got off the phone with W. I had talked with a friend earlier and he told me that I need to fight for my right to be around my kids, so I decided I would call and talk to her about that.

We had a pretty good talk until I brought up my need to be around the kids. In her mind she is interpreting my need as me forcing her to move back to Washington DC and that her life has to "be on my terms like it has been for the past 9 years". She got really angry with me...told me that she sees it as her having to choose between moving back and making herself miserable, or making me and the kids happy. I told her we need to put the kids first, but of course she said I was pushing for that because it is what I wanted. I told her that I will make any arrangements she wants and everything can be on her terms with my only term being that I am near our kids. She then told me she really doesn't see any chance for us to reconcile, and said she let go of me a long time ago. How do I handle this? I need to be around my kids....this is just killing me to not be there for them...and I know I'm going to have a great time with them this weekend but I am already so worried about having to say goodbye to them again...I don't know if I can handle that.

[Navyguy]

Can I get a bump? I really need some help and encouragement right now.

[dbmod]

^

[Mach1]

Navy....

Slow down for now....

Relax and breathe through this.

Nothing is gonna happen while you are there that you don't let happen.

Focus on the reason for the visit and don't allow yourself to be sucked into any relationship talks.....

I know it sounds hard, and I know it will suck...

but its only gonna suck as much as you let it suck. You can go into it with a positive attitude, or a crappy one ( which will MAKE it suck)

The best part is.....that it is your choice which one happens...

[Navyguy]

Mach: I totally agree and understand...but what I can't seem to figure out here is how to balance my need to be with my kids with my W's need to have space to figure things out right now? Does anyone have any idea as to how I can do this?

[Mach1]

Navy...

Not sure this is the answer you are looking for...

The only thing I can tell you is.... when you are with your children...

Take your wife out of the equation. Plan some activities that you want to do with them.

Don't exclude her, but don't go out of your way either. Extend an invitation to join, but don't be ( or show) disappointment if she refuses.

Act as if it is absolutely normal for her not to join you.

Then just go, and enjoy your time with them....

That is the most important part...actually enjoying them.

If she decides to join you...then be sure to not get dragged into a relationship talk while your children are dismantling the jungle gym.....: )

Keep your convos light , and focused on the kids...

[cat04]

Navy,

Right now, even though you are offering to make whatever "accomodations" your W needs, so that you can be around your kids, she is hearing it a bit differently.

She is hearing you using the kids as a way to keep her close to you. It is a guilt trip, that many people use to keep their marriages together unfortunately.

While I don't think it is fair that she is so far away, and hopefully that will change in the future, right now, she isn't ready to see anything other than you trying to have your own way.

Go see the kids. Enjoy the time with them. That is what this visit is about.

Just enjoy the kids.

[Navyguy]

Jus landed in Colorado. I can do this!!!!!