New to this community seeking advice 2

[2stepboogie]

I have to say it takes a special kind of person to look in the mirror and say "I've done xyz and I will fix it" and really stick to it. 2.5yrs is a long time. You are a better man than me.

[JR09]

Well, what do you know...went to S11 BB game with S13 and S8. W was there too. She sat a few feet away. S13 and S8 sat with her off and on. S11 played well.

Then we went to S8's BB practice. This time, I decided to be gutsy and asked W if I could sit with her (the kids were seated next to her). W said she didn't care. So I sat an arms lenght from her with S13 between us ! W seemed to not mind at all. W chatted with boys, asking about their new phones etc. I engaged W a few times asking if she was OK. Anyway, this is THE FIRST TIME WE ALL SAT TOGTHER AS A FAMILY in 2.5 yrs...We all watched S8 practice his BB.

W even told the boys in front of me that she didn't want them to have Facebook or Youtube on their new smart phones. I agreed. She nodded in approval. Anyway. Weird,but very enjoyable hour. S13 and S11 commented to me that it was very good to see mom next to me in a long long time.

Good baby step...

Joel

[lostinscared]

Job, I mean Joel, this is great stuff!!

So during the hour, did you talk much? You really are making good steps here. You need to be so proud!

[JR09]

Hi Lost. Great to hear from you.

We did physically sat an arms lenght from one another with S13 in the middle. Just small chat. No big talk. She even initiated the chat at one point just to ask me not to label people...I was asking S13 about this little kid who was behaving differently. I told S13 the kid may be special ed. So W told me "Joel, don't label people, that's not right". I told her I was sorry.

This afternoon, we swapped the boys after I had them for the weekend. I just approached my W and told her I'd like to sit down with her, at her convenience, and talk about a few things such as financial support, etc. She wanted to talk at S13's BB game, but I said it would be better if we sit down away from any distraction and just talk about things.

She said OK after a little convincing on my part. Just asked me to tell her where we would meet this TUE, before or after S13's game. I have to tell you, I know one of the topic would be financial. I just got my severance pay from the Army.
I want to support her and the kids, how much to give, etc...?

Next, I kind of want to ask her where all this is going, the R, the 2.5 yrs limbo, what to do about it, if she wants a D, etc, etc. What is best to ask? Shall I approach all this? Don't know what would be best at this point.

W never mentions D. Hasn't for a long while. Never mentions it with me. She does seem to do silent treatment ever since I emailed her that she changed and became vindictive, mean, and angry. I got it...my mistake...But I told her today that the silent tretment only works so much, but we need to sit down and talk civilly about things.

Anyway. She did agree to sit down. Probably about money issues. Then again, I don't know. So this is good news, kinda mixed good news, not sure.

Had a great time with the boys. At least that's one good positive outcome.

Joel

[WCW]

Joel, 2.5 years is a long time but in the scope of the length of your M that was not good in the opinion of your W - how does it stack up?

It's been only a few months that you have been in the same state as your family.

Are you ready for change no matter which direction it takes your M?

[JR09]

WCW,

You are right. 2.5 yrs are not a lot compared to the 4+yrs my W had to deal with my funk after I returned from IRQ.

And it's only been a month since I now live in the same state as W does...

Am I ready to deal with the situation regardless of how the M ends? not sure. half of me says I am OK no matter what, the other half says don't engage W with R issues...

Joel

[WCW]

Ok, if you're not sure then don't push.

You've had a few good interactions with your W, you get to see your kids on a regular basis and be part of their lives. Take it slow, let everyone get used to this new life, this new you.

Talking with your W about finances, the car repair, the boys schedules - all necessary and should be safe. Don't settle in for a R talk!

Also, your W wanted to meet at the game but you convinced her to do it your way. Do you think that is a problem?

One of the biggest challenges of all of this is being patient. You need double and triple helpings to make it thru this!

[JR09]

WCW,

OK, I got your point. You are right. I did comvince W to meet in a less distracting place such as a BB game. I thought it would be better to be in a more quiet environment, that's what I suggested to W. But I do understand your point about not heading to W's opinion, instead I pushed for mine. Is that what you were thinking WCW? Did I get this correctly?

Joel

[WCW]

Yes, you got it.

Your W still has to get used to this new you, give it time to sink in and she can realize it is real.

Let me share this - a long time ago I was a WAW. I wanted space and peace from my then H, I never got it. There was barely a day went by that he didn't work on convincing me to come home. Finally I did. Guess What? it didn't work, except this time I kicked him out and kept my place. I was stronger, I had more resolve because he would never listen to my requests. Just saying....

You've done great with the short times and interactions you've hd with your W. Take a break and let it soak in.

[JR09]

OK, I'll back off and won't hold that meeting. W always tells me "it's always what I (Joel) want". I'll back off and just come to the BB game to see S13 play. Is it still OK to try to sit close to W? (like last SAT) or is that also pushing it...?

Joel