If my W would of called today I would not have answered the phone. I was/am in a bad way. I called my mom and asked her to take my daughter to target to spend some of her money from the gifts. As soon as they left I just cried and cried. Probably the most crying I have done since this whole thing started. I prayed I cried I prayed and I cried some more. For awhile I didn't think I was going to stop. Even my dog started to cry lol. As for how i handle my conversations with my W it has been based on the instructions I have been given by my DB coach and my own trial an error. I think on habit's thread I mentioned the logic. If I make her feel good about calling she is more likely to call me back if she feels depressed after talking to me she goes dark. So I took it as a game of chess. I WILL be happy when she calls. Luckily the last few interactions have been nice but then they just stopped all together add that with the whole party and the picture and I just hit a breaking point. Now I am in bed depressed. I go through this on occasion when I am up I have no doubt we will get back together because we had a real strong connection at one point I mean really deep can't just box that up and put it away but when I am down I am devastated. This was one of those weekends.
gypsy,
The D was filed in OK by her so I am not really sure about the laws in Jersey. I will be sending back the paperwork tomorrow to her. She can do what she wants with them. To be honest with you I think she will turn them in with a heavy heart but I believe 1000% that if she had another way or felt there was a way to fix our marriage she would take it. I know this woman and she is doing this out of anger and because she feels there is no fixing us she just doesn't see how. I do.
As for the DB coach she told me that after our first session. After listening to me spill my guts out for almost an hour. One thing I have done very well is I have kept good records. Text messages emails and other things. One thing my W and did about 3 months before she left was we sat down and wrote down on a piece of paper what she did not like about me and what she did I did the same. I found it and read it to my DB. I also read to her the letter she left me followed by some text. So my DB coach has a pretty good idea of how my W feels not just based on what I have said but based on her own words. If you go through my thread you see that I always include my W actual words. Well anyways, after the first session her exact words rights before the end of the session were "oh she is not done with you" then we hung up. You could imagine how I felt after that comment. I wanted to call her right back.
After the fourth session I brought it up and asked her to give me a REAL assessment and she said "I see a lot of hope in your situation. This is what reconciliation looks like. Its baby steps not one single thing but a bunch of little ones" That made me feel good but I don't see with a D in full swing how anyone can call this reconciliation. But what do I know she's done over 6000 phone calls. I am hoping W doesn't back out of our Thurs appt cause I think maybe she might see another option here.
Lost
Awww my friend. I can always count on you on my rough days. Getting through my D bday was a huge feat but seeing that couple who are very close friends almost broke me down. The husband put his arms around me a said "I understand. Go take care of your D and we will be over here with the kids. No shame. I get it" He was referring to how I have been avoiding him. I can imagine my life without my W but I don't like it. I truly enjoyed her company she was a fun gal to be with. Hell my friends loved her. I was so proud to be her husband and it saddens me that she did not feel this way about me. I found in my night stand drawer a birthday card from her. This is what it reads....
"Dear Name, The First thing is I love you but you already knew that, I hope what you don't know is how often I think about you, the way you suddenly show up in my mind that’s the second thing, I should tell you these things more often. Why don't I? I guess the third thing is how hard it is to find the right words to say how it feels to love and be loved by you, wonderful you. Happy Birthday I love you with all of my heart and I am SO thankful for the wonderful husband that you are. I wish you a very happy birthday and a wonderful life together"
This was in July of this year on my birthday. I know I can go on without her after all I was a person before her I will be a person after her. But I have disappointed or hurt this woman and that is what is killing me slowly. Today was very very hard for me. The entire weekend came down on me tonight. If you look at my interactions you can sit there and say "man what is wrong with this guy look at all the positives that have happen just this week alone"
I get so discouraged though because I start to think about just the logistics alone and I see it as such a huge mountain to climb. If you were to ask me to give you a quick answer based on my gut alone if I see myself getting back together with my wife I would say yes; but if I start to think about it then I become more doubtful.
Anyways thank you for listening to my rambling I hope I explained it properly.
