Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce - pt 2

[alamo76]

I forgot to add to the dialogue between my wife and I where she said that even while we're married I've let her drive the crappy car. As a matter of fact, I still love our Maxima, and even enjoy driving it from time to time. I prefer it both from a maitenance perpective, and when I want to fling around my favorite corners and save gas while doing so.

Should I just swap cars with her?

[dbmod]

Your wife wants a hero, and it is good and kind and hero-like to help her.


"I read in another thread here that by offering services and help continue to make me less attractive to my spouse."
That was just bad advice, especially for your situation.

What you don't want to do is pursue her or come off as needy. I think she is telling you she wants to feel you are protective over her and taking care of her. It might be worth a try.


To cut your wife completely off is the after the last resort technique, but very often ends marriages...that's why it's the very last ditch effort. Don't do it now. What you need is a 180 that let's your wife know you are the man she wants.

[alamo76]

I agree, dbmod. Are you a DB coach by any chance, 'cuz I'd like to request you to be my future coach!

I don't think I cut her off completely, but I do distance myself, e.g. let her approach me, or only help or be there for her when the need truly calls for it. The thing is, my love language is actions, but my actions with my wife in the past were more like chores/going through the motions, so probably the 180° you're suggesting I need would be, I'm guessing, either action but with sincerity, or something less action-oriented? Now, the former is subjective territory.

[Denver_2010]

Your wife wants a hero, and it is good and kind and hero-like to help her.


"I read in another thread here that by offering services and help continue to make me less attractive to my spouse."
That was just bad advice, especially for your situation.

What you don't want to do is pursue her or come off as needy. I think she is telling you she wants to feel you are protective over her and taking care of her. It might be worth a try.


To cut your wife completely off is the after the last resort technique, but very often ends marriages...that's why it's the very last ditch effort. Don't do it now. What you need is a 180 that let's your wife know you are the man she wants.

Dbmod just gave you absolutely GREAT advice Alamo.

BITS!
Denver

[alamo76]

UPDATE @ 11pm

I am really heartbroken because I overheard my wife talking on the phone (she talks loud) with one of her guy classmates about dating other men/doctors, and she discussed an article she read about married women who go back into the dating scene and how "easy" they are with sex. Later I heard her talking about me, but not sure I want to know. Then I also heard her say that she married too young. She married me at 22, and she's always said during our separation that she was naive and immature then.

I'm so discouraged right now. When I heard it, it was so excruciating that I just wanted to leave the house, but decided against it. Tonight I will pray and try to seek strength from God, because this is one of those times when all I hear are the words "too little, too late". I really hope it's not. Whatever happened to the caring, loving, empathetic, religiously strong, and humble woman I knew only a few short months ago?

[sandi2]

1

. I would like for us be able to go out for dinner with our son, once every week, by February.

Have to be careful here, and not pursue her.

2. It would be great if we became thoughtful, caring and sincere, rather than like roommates or strangers, by April.

Can't make goals for her, only yourself. You can work at being thoughful, caring & sincere.....as long as it's to make you a better person....and not pursuing her.

3. I want to be a calmer, more considerate person.

This can be your goal every day. I'm sure you will get plenty of opportunities.

Develop closer friendships, and have myself be accountable to them for my addiction and backsliding.

Might want to consider the board members here for that job.

This may sound odd to some, but letting my yes be yes, and my no be no. As a former porn addict and subsequent liar, often my answers would consist of yeah, sure, nah, why not, nope, etc. Basically I'm being firmer in my resolve and/or answers.

No odd at all.

Be able to apologize and be accountable for my mistakes, past or present, rather than be defensive (also part of the porn issue), blameful and/or spiteful.

Strengthen my relationship with God and my Christian family. My wife and I had lost that during our marriage.

Strength and honor!

There are a lot of women who feel the man should take care of the cars and see that her car is safe to drive. It doesn't get you any brownie point by giving her the worst of the two cars.

[alamo76]

I will try to swap cars with her. Really is up to her. My point with my wife saying that she has the crappier car is she blames me if the one of the sensors fails or a year old starter suddenly doesn't work. Aside from the obvious -- tires, brakes, oil, standard maintenance items -- how can I control those things from failing?

My car is subjectively no better than hers. I need to replace the front tires soon, the front brakes need attention as well...so you see what I mean?

By anyway, I hope to take care of her car and not seem like I'm overstepping my bounds. Thanks again for your advice, Sandi. If you refer to my post from late last night, I have other things on my heart right now. I just need to stop worrying about her and what she thinks/does. Easier said than done sometimes.

[alamo76]

UPDATE 8:55am

Can't believe this. Not more than a minute after my last post, my wife confronts me about the list of payable items I sent her last night. Basically, she was (in her words) asking questions, but they were more accusatory. Things like, are you trying to screw me over, why is this so high. For example:

A. I sent our dog to the groomer at a local pet business. Thought I'd support and try out local businesses, rather than Pet Co or something. On that day I sent our dog she asked to let her know how much she needs to pay. I said I'd let her know. Today, on the other hand, she said "You knew that I was going to pay so you chose the more expensive place to take our dog to." Taken aback by that, I said, "You don't have to pay, you know, if it's such a problem for you."

B. Cable -- she asked why are we paying $60 for just Internet? Are you trying to screw me over? To which, I was, like, WHAT? We're on Comcast and to have Internet you need at least Basic Cable. She then told me she was checking on how much it'll cost her when she moves, it was much cheaper. "I'm just asking because you have made stupid mistakes and are manipulative." I left it at that because I thought my wife is smarter than that. Of course the price is cheaper...for the first 12 months introductory price, then the rates go up!

C. Then I said that I think she shouldn't drive her car so I can take care of it for her. She said (in her words while she was busy looking through the pantry for cereal) "I wasn't planning to." It was as if I owe her or something. Like she felt she had the right to commandeer any vehicle she wanted to.

From my POV, especially coming from what I heard last night, I am deeply soured by her attitude and struggling to be her best friend. Hope is still alive in me, and thank you letting me rant.

I will confront her about a few things that she still paints this picture that I'm manipulative of certain everyday tasks and chores, such as bills and logistics. The reason why I think I should backtrack is because I should have spoken up when I was questioned during those times, but I was so unprepared that I feel like they were missed opportunities. I need to clear the air some, otherwise she'll keep walking around questioning every decision, action and changes I make. Then again, maybe it's pointless.

[wanda15]

Alamo I completely agree with dbmod. She did call you for help with the car. Whether she said no in the end, her first thought was still you. Take that part of the sitch as a positive.

I had a convo with my H yesterday about wanting a man that is there for me. We are looking for our knight in shining armour. Please don't be afraid to help her...even if she is putting you through the gears! It will come back as a good thing for you.

Hope it all went okay after the phone call with her.

[sandi2]

I will confront her about a few things that she still paints this picture that I'm manipulative of certain everyday tasks and chores, such as bills and logistics. The reason why I think I should backtrack is because I should have spoken up when I was questioned during those times, but I was so unprepared that I feel like they were missed opportunities. I need to clear the air some, otherwise she'll keep walking around questioning every decision, action and changes I make. Then again, maybe it's pointless.

You have to be prepared for anything when you have a WAW. She is not the girl you M and you can stand around wondering what happen, or you can begin preparing yourself.

Why is your W just now learning what the cable/Internet cost? Does she know what the other bills are?

I would not confront her about the conversation last night b/c it will end in a fight.

I think you do need to question some of your motives....like deciding to change groomer without saying anything to her. Then it turned out to be more expensive? You see, from her POV you are doing these things to jab at her.