what is it you don't see? each time I do something different and/or look at the sit differently you come back and tell me nothings changed, I'm still misserable and h is a lug.
what if h isn't a total lug? what if h in sensing my underlying icky mood asks what's wrong? helps out with the kids a bit more even if to tell them not to jump on me? calls an extra time that day? does the dishes (though I wish he would just put them in the dishwasher but I've learned not to complain about HOW things get done as long as they are getting done.)
what have I been doing differently this week? well for one imp I went out last night. Now that in and of itself may seem like not a big deal but...I was out tues wed and thurs night for classes and training, in the past on a week like that I would have taken h into consideration and said to myself...ll you've been out too many nights this week don't go out to play. I went anyway...why? cause I wanted to...h didn't even know where I was going til the last minute only knew who I was going with...did it make a difference? well let's see? when I came home from the training sessions (in h's mind a safe place for ll to be) h was sound asleep....last night I was home later (much) and h was awake enough to hear me come in the door (hmmm waiting up for LL? but trying to not make it obvious?)
if you aren't telling me to loose h then what are you suggesting I do? it's obviously not trying to look at the big pic cause when I do that you point out that tommorow will suck again. it's obviosly not focussing on what is going well cause when I do that you seem to point out that it doesn't mean anything and tommorow will suck again? (ie the day h drove into boston with me)
I didn't feel that blow...you sure there was one there?
look my kids are babies...my son just started pre school this year...dd may or may not go next year for two days a week (more likely will) I know this stage of the game doesn't last forever and I DON'T regret staying home with them..(hope they don't regret staying home with me)
Life is not as short as you think and I am not as far behind as it may seem...I already have a bachelors degree and just got certified as an emt...when dd starts first grade I intend to get some job within the school system even if just as the lunch lady...sort of get my foot in the door...work my way into the "who to know" croud...use my degree and possibly further my education...I am young damn it and unlike some people I don't have some fear of not having enough time to get it done (not having enough hands to keep the house clean and picked up is more like it) I do not fall into the category of people who think you have to do what it is your going to do "work wise" in the golden typical college age...if I'm 40 when I get my masters will it still not be a masters? perhaps my original carreer choice will help you to understand why I don't fear not being there yet...I would like to be a counselor...now let's see? I'm 30 NOW...what is the typical age of people seeking councel? would they listen to a 30 year old? would they believe she has a freakin clue? nope they'd think she just knows what she knows from books. SO not starting there yet is not an issue for me...I know I have time and purposefully took that time off to have a family...would I like to have more of a "family" meaning h to have or dedicate more time to the family? sure...but I can deal with it the way it is.
my life? how much more can I really do RIGHT NOW? I just finneshed my emt certification...will be volunteering with the towns ambulance right now I'm taking the required hazmat course. I started a montly book discussion group in town. A friend just told me of a need for a secretary for the education commitee in the town next door (how's that for getting to know those you need to know) wich I may consider as it's only two nights a month and pays to boot!
I just went out last night singing with my mom and a local friend...I mean c'mon what more would you suggest I do to fill my life? should I start having tupperware parties?
that's a tough one to pull off imp, for no other reason than it means I must admit that h is weak when I thought he was strong...oh and also that it implies that in some way I must also forgive ow and though I pitty the poor little pathetic ignoramous that she is...I'd much rather have the luxury of having visions of beating the living crap out of her or simply giving her a good bitch slap!
ok here's another thought and you can do with it what you will.
on some level I have forgiven h...I have forgiven him for the friendship he had with her...how he fell prey to her little games how he allowed himself to get wrapped up in her little pitty party...on some level I've also forgiven her (after all he is a nice guy who wouldn't fall for him...chivelry is not dead in his world..though it can at times come out in a chauvanistic manner)
I've even forgiven him for leaving...I know there just wasn't any other way once things blew up...I even packed his damn bags for him a few times...so after all he was giving me what I asked for.
The part of me that doesn't fully forgive him is the part that imagines the a to be more than he and ow claim it to be...when I start to think of it as some hot and heavy trashy affair I get pissed off. Thing is h is more likely than not telling the truth about it and it was more of a "friendship" that was lied about and treaded into that line crossing area. So part of the forgiving has to come in some way from me telling myself to listen to h and not my imagination of what was.
so consider forgiveness granted to h for being a fool falling for a tool.
You forgive him but you don't believe him. Obviously you see the problem. You need to take care of that. It has to show. You two need a marriage counselor.
imp we went to a marriage c and it didn't go well...after the last session I didn't bother to make another appointment the c scheduled on anyway but I didn't bother to go and h didn't mention it.
honestly though, how is a c who doesn't know either h nor myself going to be able to get beyond that issue? how is a c going to make me fully believe h? how is a c who may not even believe h (because he/she doesn't know HIM) going to help me or h get beyond it? and is it up to h at this point to make me believe him? will I always have some sense of doubt? do I actually even doubt him or do I like to imagine that it was hot and heavy...after all if he was simply with her for the conversation or company wouldn't that be worse as he's often too tired to converse with me?
it's more something that I alone have to deal with h doesn't need to hear yet again that I don't fully believe him...he knows I don't...knows that it's a struggle for me...but that's just it...at this point it is MY struggle...either I believe him or I don't...MOST of the time I do...will any amount of c or talk or time make that MOST turn into ALL? I seriously doubt it....there's always going to be some question in my mind as to what was really going on with them.
but alas...does it matter? suppose that is the real question isn't it?
I agree that you alone have to deal with the trust about the EA. No doubt you know that if you don't get past that, the M is not worth much anyway.
When you went to the C, how much did you hit on the other issues in your marriage or did the trust thing get in the way of anything else?
Not sure what else to say. But I do see you walking down the road of dissatisfaction. Maybe the real question is whether or not you are going to stop complaining about him and accept what it is he has to offer. The book I suggested addresses that issue.
in c we (the c and I) tried to get h to understand the importance of making time...asked that h give one night a week for "us" time. H couldn't or wouldn't commit to it. basically there was a whole lot of bitterness and despair being flung about the room and c didn't seem to know what the heck to do with us so I said the hell with it and stopped going.
our sessions typically started with c asking us how things have been going and what we have been doing...I'd typically let h go first and was always baffled by his thoughts that things were going well...then he'd get "pissed off" to hear that I was a tad less than thrilled about things...then he'd accuse me of not appreciating anything yada yada yada...it was a waist.
suppose the thing to do is stop complaining. anywhere about him. Will that change things? I don't complain nearly as much as I used to if you can believe that!
I am chuckling over here about your recent ebb of complaints...lol.
When I realized that things were amiss in my marriage. I started to change things I did. I started reading more. I started exercising more. I paid more attention to the wife and kids. This is what drove my ex away. But in all honesty, I held back. I knew my pot smoking was a problem. But I held onto it as a bargaining chip. Looking back, I asked myself, why the hell didn't I just give it all up for the marriage. I have no answer. But you mentioning your H's refusal to commit sparked my memory. I was selfish. Your H is selfish. It is controlling behavior. He doesn't want his world to be upset. And he doesn't think you will go anywhere. Your needs are unimportant.
Ok, I know nothing is changing this weekend, and I have to finish up at work and head to dotto's. Too bad you won't be there.
playing around in the sexual issues forum if anyones looking for me.
on anther note...remember if you are wrapping presents for kids and then hiding them in a locked closet at night while everyone is asleep...don't forget that some of the toys you just wrapped can and will start talking.
scared the crap out of me! til I remembered what it was...cinderella saying...oh hello....you caught me dreaming.
