I don't know how to fly the Space Shuttle

[Firstlove]

Hey all thanks for the replies and the input and advice, it is greatly appreciated. I hope to clarify a few things here if I might.

Sandi2 - I agree with you on the comments about not being a doormat - doormats are very unattractive when applied to people's personalities so if one is a doormat, get a life and a backbone I would say. No one knows anyone on here but I will say this, I believe that not one person who knows me would ever refer to me being a doormat - that is not who I am in the least. My approach to doing things as assistance for her is, in my opinion, taking a "servant's heart" and I believe there is great value in having a servant's heart. My comment about taking that approach irrespective of how she treats me may well sound "dorrmatish" and I get that, however I assure you a doormat I am not, I do hope however that I can be a giving and gracious servant when there is a good reason and cause to serve. When someone is in need, I choose to be of service when I can.

Also, I don't know where everyone got the idea that my wife is in an active and ongoing A and that I am merely doing things for her while she has the benefits of an OM in an A - this is not our case whatsoever, if I gave that impression I certainly did not mean to do that.

WCW, I will take your comment about my posts sounding very controlling as accurate, that is in fact a characteristic of mine and something that I am working on in a personal growth mode, obviously I am not "there" yet - most likely a long way off from that. You are correct that I was not asking anyone's advice on my first post, that was my way of saying hello by telling a story and a word picture of how I see the past and where I have got to in my life - sorry if that sounded controlling - not meant to be - guess I need to work on my writing skills. I do enjoy writing and from all the books I am reading these days, journaling is a good thing to do and this is a wonderful forum with people of like circumstances to journal where one finds one's heart and mind and where one is headed. Also you say that I have a lot of Humble Pie coming my way. Given the expansive taste testing of "Mr. Firstlove Humble Pie" that I have experienced, I now have a recipe book for Humble Pie that is about 1,000 pages long that I have personally written. If you would like an autographed copy of it, just let me know and I will get you a copy of it, the interactive recipe DVD is almost finished and will be available at your local pie stores soon and the movie is set to be released next year at Cannes - look for it at your local theaters. This is so exciting I have to pinch myself sometimes.

Also, if my post conveyed that I am assuming 100% of the responsibility for our failed marriage, I am not. Actually that is part of our "issue", the W has always maintained that I am in fact 100% responsible for all of our problems in our relationship and there is 0% wrong with her, and this is not an exaggeration, she has actually said that to me many times in the past, and she believes it.

The W has always claimed that I suffer from clinical depression and that the depression is only from a chemical imbalance in my brain and that the depression I suffer from has "caused" the void in our marriage. I say to her that the void in our marriage is extremely depressing and when nothing ever changes and one person says that all the problems are 100% the other person's fault, THAT in an of itself is EXTREMELY depressing when maintained over long periods of time, and so the "void" that that causes the circumstantial depressed feelings not the other way around. Its a tough downward spiraling circle to be in believe me.

Over 33 years, our approach to resolving marital discord is perfectly summarized in the words of an actual Kansas Railroad law that was written at the turn of the century. Here is how we have approached conflict resolution in our marriage.

"When two trains traveling in opposite directions come to a crossing at the same time, they must both come to a complete stop. Neither train can proceed until the other one is gone"

That was an actual law - not quite sure how that worked - but we adopted that in our approach to resolving difficulties - and believe me - that over time would make anyone depressed - including me.

So, in taking a very different approach and wanting to substantially change, I am here, seeking wise counsel and intelligent input from others that can relate.

Mr. Firstlove