Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Thanks SO much for reposting that Mila. I remember reading it with so much interest when I first found this site. Like all the newbies, I was searching for answers and wanted a "timeline" and tried to guess which phase my H was in. Over time, I realized, that in a way, it didn't matter. My actions needed to be the same. I needed to focus on me. And I did so to the best of my abilities.

Once my H peeked out of the tunnel last fall though, I admit I had forgotten about these phases. In my mind, we were either going to end, or go through piecing. But in reality, he's TOTALLY not done with his MLC and I've seen this all along.

"they become forgetful, irritable, want to be left alone, somewhat argumentative, sometimes unresponsive-want to take long drives, sit looking out the window-their silences are long and painful, as they don't want to talk about it preferring instead to think and brood. "

This describes my H's mental state right now to a tee. I was kind of kicking myself yesterday because during my conversation with him, in essence, I was trying to "fix him". The problem is that he often comes to me and pretty much asks my opinion about things. He's seen and admires my growth and we've had a lot of talks about it. So I am walking a fine line between giving him the feedback he wants from me, and trying to not "fix him". Fortunately, the only real advice I have for him is for him to work on himself. I think that was kind of frustrating him during our conversation because in his mind, he needs to DO something. Some type of action. Make some type of decision.

His apartment lease will need to be renewed in March. I'm sure that's causing him some anxiety. He originally stated he'd keep his apartment till the lease was up then move everything back. I think at this point, he feels he still needs his space and he's probably right. I was looking forward to the financial benefit of NOT having two places, but his health is more important. I'm not going to even ask him what his plan is.

Antonia, thanks so much for stopping by my thread. I do think this phase is more difficult. When the MLCer is gone, you have time to yourself. To work on yourself. To live your own life and to detach from the negativity of the MLCer. When they try to come back, you HAVE to open yourself back up a bit in order to start to reconnect. That leaves you open to being more emotional, having hurt feelings, lashing out, jealousy, etc. It's why the work done initially detaching is so important. Because if and when they try to come back, you are able to withstand SO much more. There's no way, a year ago, I could have heard the things my H said to me, and had the type of conversation we had, without me bursting into tears, screaming in anger, becoming horrendously jealous, or spiraling into despair. Yet, I had the conversation with virtually none of that. In fact, since then, I haven't really had any major breakdown. Has it affected me? Sure. Big time. But I feel I can handle it better. It's given me some nightmares already. Something I haven't experienced since I first found out about the OW. But I'm doing OK and refocusing myself. I don't know what the future holds but I will take it one day at a time.

Thanks again Mila, for the reminder. It's invigorated me in a way. Sometimes, when you're smack in the middle of something, you can't see the forest for the trees. Thanks for reminding me about the forest.