Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[hope2011]

Denver, we saw a really, really bad counselor a year ago who was supposed to be SBT but was only about talking about our faults and issues and no solutions. It was yelling and crying every session for all 6 sessions we went to. H won't go again. I wish he would, we both probably need IC and MC.

So yesterday was a not so good me lately. The boys have been disrespectful add rude to me lately. Last night I cooked dinner and needed help with 4 things cooking at once. H decided he needed to make a store run for steak sauce and took one of the boys with him. I asked the other to help and watch the grill and I got "I don't know how" (to watch something?) and he went upstairs. Then at dinner they both made comments about how the steak was burned. If they were my kids, they'd be eating cereal in their rooms after that comment. But they aren't my kids so I bite my tongue. H says nothing. They continue to make rude comments and then they talk about driving and how H let one (with a learner's permit) drive alone in the grocery store parking lot. Both vehicles in my name, on my insurance. If they wreck, it's on me. No one has any respect for that at all. When I asked if their mom had them on her insurance, I got another snide comment. I got upset and said "you don't have to drive my car on my insurance", to which 1 said, trying to be funny "I'll just run into a tree to drive up your insurance" along with a few other comments from the other about they have 2 houses and 2 families and I have no power. H just sat their and rolled his eyes - AT ME. Not the boys. No apologies from any of them. Nothing. I would NEVER allow my child to talk to him or any adult like that.

I don't know why I'm here. H tries to cheat on me, rolls his eyes at me. The boys talk back to me. Clearly, no one respects me in this house. I bust my butt trying to fit in, do what H needs, be there for the boys. And they can't even be kind to me.

H rolled his eyes again at me this morning when I commented on a movie on TV (an innocent comment, can't even remember what it was). We haven't ML in a few days and yesterday when I said ILY, I got no response. He's pulled away again.

What's changed? What's happening that I don't know about? I'm supposed to go a 5 day trip with him in 3 days. Maybe he's trying to get me not to go. I don't know.

I just know I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not having a family of my own but only a part of this one when one of them want something from me. I'm tired of tip-toeing, trying to make H happy when I don't think he cares about me at all. I don't think my best will ever be good enough and I don't think he even thinks I'm worth his least.

I'm afraid I'm on the path to being a WAW or he's about to be a WAH again. I'm scared he's on another dating site or flirting with some OW. He does not care about me as a person - he cares about how I make him feel about himself, if I make him happy, if I give him what he wants. I'm not important, I'm completely disposable. Is it too much to want my husband to love me? Just to say ILY once in a while first or to want to see me happy too.

Just a bad day.