I found your thread, will respond there to not further hijack YR's thread.
Ok Beatrice,
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I now realise that they have to fully complete their journey without pressure to return, otherwise as either [I think] Snodderley or HB wrote, if they return before they are ready they will 'run' again.
I came to understand this concept later on; it was one of the aspects of MLC I needed to learn, and DID learn.
From the situations I have observed over time; IF the MLC'er is NOT ready to come home for good; they can come home prematurely..the pressure within themselves will cause them to run again.
Since mine didn't leave the house at the time he was going through except for what was required on his job; it was most likely Snodderly that wrote this.
She was one of the most researched in the way of books; and situations that I'd seen; and she still is.
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Doesn't mean that they will actually go, but re-enter breifly some of the late stages of MLC in order to finally close the doors. I think this is dealing with unfinished business in his own way, and you are going to have to let this happen and not fight it.
Not necessarily; it depends on how far along they are..it is common to "cycle" back and forth, not only to settle of the issues, but the aspects of each issue, also.
It also depends on how far along he was in the tunnel before he put his MLC on hold for a time....
It CAN happen in this way if the pressure from the LBS is hard enough; and they react in such a way, they are afraid of losing the LBS if they don't come back.
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PS Query to HB - I know you don't advocate throwing them out, and I agree, but what happens if, as many do, they decide to leave?
They bear the responsibility for the leaving, then...it's anybody's guess; just like it is IF they are thrown out; but in that case, it adds to the blame the MLC'er is already putting on the LBS. Only in this instance, however, the LBS takes the decision out of the MLC'er's hands; and therefore bears the responsibility for putting them out.
Some that are thrown out won't return because of PRIDE that they are unable or unwilling to lay aside, and admit they were wrong.
They can choose instead to go on and try to start over with someone else that doesn't know them the way the LBS does.
Leaving on their own is one of the ways they can get their space they've demanded; they feel smothered, and pushed...and no wonder; no one had ANY warning of what was happening, until the BD came about.
The crying, begging and pleading, makes the pressure mount inside of the MLC'er to the point they feel they have to run away or explode.
Most do "peek" out of tunnel from time to time, in touch and goes to see if the LBS is where they "left" them.
The majority of the time; the LBS has already "got it", is moving forward; metaphorically leaving the MLC'er behind...it can throw the MLC'er into a panic...and that can be one of the reasons they want to come home before they are ready.
Some will also want to come home when they perceive they are not in control of the situation anymore; because the LBS is moving forward, the MLC'er gets afraid they will "lose" them, and there's also the "mommy" factor; a "child" would be trying to come home...but you are not his mother, therefore; you can refuse to allow him to come home until you KNOW he's ready.
I digress, however..you were asking what happens when they leave on their own.
The way I see it, IF they don't go stupid and get into an affair; they must deal with themselves; and face their issues head on.
The quickest way to come through the MLC is the facing of the issues and aspects of those issues..and until there is NO distractions; they will remain 'stuck' in their pain.
It seems they must walk one road, then another; go through "cheeseless tunnels"...until they hit a total dead end..and are FORCED to face themselves; and this is a process, just as MLC is a process..it's a journey they must walk; and some do walk it all the way to the end.
There are many things that can "spook" them along the way; causing them to "cycle" through an event come through before until they settle a particular issue within.
If they stay by themselves; then they are more likely to face themselves, if that makes sense.
I honestly believe some of them KNOW they are returning to the marriage at a later time; although they make some pretty horrendous mistakes; yet they WATCH the LBS to see what changes are made.
On the outside, they may try to discount the changes; mainly because they are afraid of change; but somewhere within KNOW change needs to come; I can't tell you when that realization comes, but it does....yet, the LBS is KEY to helping the MLC'er come forward in the tunnel.
When it is all said and done, MLC extracts a CHANGE from BOTH MLC'er and LBS.
It will change them BOTH even IF the marriage doesn't reconcile.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
