Losing my motivation....need some advice quick...

[zengypsy]

Hey friends:

I took the night off last night from the boards as my SIL invited me to the movies and a drink out afterwards, how could I say no?!

Yesterday started off not so great. I was feeling the waves of guilt again for the entire sitch that I am in. When we went out for a drink after the movies, I got set on the road of clarity again. Divine intervention at its best! Here's the lastest....

My SIL never eally talks about my H nor do I want her to after all, she is maried to his younger brother. Having said that, there are some things she will say in "code". One of the things she mentioned to me was that my BIL (her husband) hasn't talked to my H is weeks. Apparently, they both feel quite strongly that my H is making bad choices and that my H is not going to take advice from his younger brother. I said he's not going to take advice from anyone and I was sorry to hear that he's making bad choices. What these bad choices are is anyone's guess. My assumption has and still is since he moved that an OW is now involved. She said that the grass is def not greener and that H will come to his senses when it's too late. She also told me that her and my other SIL had been talking around the time he planned to serve me. My other SIL and I have had a very rocky relationship over the years and I now understand what my role was in that and I take ownership of that. I am trying to repair that relationship and so I'm glad that my SIL I was outwith last night told me what she did. SIL #2 apparently was VERY upset and angry at my H for not calling me to let me know that he had gone ahead with the D proceedings. She thought it was very inhumane that he just was going to serve me out of the blue. I told SIL #1 that I was appreciative of her telling me this and that I didn't think it broke SIL #2 confidence. It just reiterated to me that altho no one is technically taking sides, I know that people have my back and just reinforced that I have to amend this relationship with SIL #2. SIL #1 also told me that my H still blames me for everything.

So you all are probably wondering why I feel so euphoric. Well, it just showed me how so on the path that I am to getting stronger and better each day and how blatently obvious how stuck my H still is and how this MLC has him by the throat. What I found funny is that my H hasn't been home in a year; just the very occassional visit which became more far and few as the months went by (last time was Nov) so IMHO I really haven't been in the picture at all and yet he still blames me. In a weird, twisted way, I find that very funny and I can't quite firgure out why! When the D comes thru at his initiation and his life continues to be f'd up; will he blame me still? That is when I truly believe it will hit him. I have re-read the MLC Chapter in DR about 3 times so far today. It defines my H so well at this period in his life. I do have empathy for him and I just hope he snaps out of it so he won't be in this internal hell forever.

Also, SIl#2's mom called me last week on yet another snow day we had here. It was totally out of the blue. She and I never really communicated outside family functions. She had started sending me notes around Thanksgiving saying how she missed me being there and she hoped I was doing ok. We had corresponded back and forth, here and there. She lives in Long Island and is coming down to visit with my SIL#2 and BIL#2 in Feb and that she would like to see me. We were talking about my sitch in a very general sense and I told her all the things I learned in therapy and she said "Who are you?!" She said you sound so grounded and educated or did I catch you on a good day?! I said perhaps a little of both!!! It was nice to know that someone could here those changes in my my voice. I was a little shocked what was coming out of my mouth as well!

I thanked SIL#1 who I was out with last night, for keeping me included in their lives and their childrens lives. Their youngest is my Godson! She said that my BIL and her had a conversation about the dynamics of this whole thing when it first blew up and how they felt best to handle it. She said they both agreed without hestitation that they wanted me to still be a part of their lives. They miss me at the holiday gatherings and my SIL said that she doesn't have any sisters only her mom and 1 Aunt, but that Aunt has 5 children of her own so it was nice that she had a sister relationship with me. I was very touched and I think it really made me pause to think about how people perceieve me and the energy that I am putting out there.

I realized that I backslid a bit bearing all the guilt I felt yesterday earlier in the day. But I really did get put back on track. It was a bit of an emotional conversation too. I had told her part of my accountability in the breakdown of my marriage was that after my mom died I felt so guilty for not being able to save her. She had cancer, so it was totally out of my hands. But, my mom always saved me and I was holding on to such terrible guilt that I couldn't do the same for her. My SIL reminded me of how I did everything I could for my mom; what a strong advocate I was for her (and I was), but I really had forgotten that part and I thanked her for reminding me of that. I told her that thru this guilt and depression that I ignored the 2 most important people in my marriage, myself and my H. Nothing will EVER justify this D. My H just walked away and quit.

2Step - I heard where my H lives is just "ok" in terms of neighborhoods (River Road). I had a friend who lived in Kearny when I was in my 20's (long ago!) which I know is not very far from there either. I don't remember my friends neighborhood being overly nice and not overly bad either.

My synopsis is that my H is going to totally crash and burn at some point. If his own family is saying he is making bad choices that is HUGE to me. I will just keep presenting myself in the better light. I like me now. I'm the person my H fell in love with and so much more. How sad that he's too caught up in his own selfish drama to be able to see it. I will still have the door open but now it's gone from wide open to only open ajar. And when he comes to his senses, I will decide whether I open it all the way again or if it will only remain open where it's currently at.

I know I will have more rollercoaster days and I am not an overly religious person, but I honestly feel that Karma is a bitch and even those who are soulless will have regret.

One other note: I went to my Grandmother's friends funeral yesterday AM. Since I am the only person left on my side of the fam, I thought I would show my Grandmother some respect and go. Her friend was 95. Something profound struck me in the eulogy and that was this women never had any children, which I never knew but she had a big family. They said she was never into wordly possesions and that her greatest treasure was her family. I thought now that is huge how good Karma can really be paid forward and that's how I want to live my life.

I hope everyone had a great w/e and I will try to catch with all the posts later today!

As always, I welcome your thoughts!