I went back and read; not from the beginning, but from where the OW was so hard to get rid of..then, I read forward.
From what I can see; he left the tunnel, but something was MISSING within him, I believe, because he exited too quickly like my own husband did; and he covered it up whatever issue he was trying to bypass; trying to set it aside; and not face it; while he was supposed to be settling his issues within himself; he was struggling within.
This is what I gather from reading your posts; you posted that you'd both made it to the other side in August of 2008.
2 1/2 years later; he turns up with another issue...he made it farther than my husband did within the settling down process...as my husband's showed up around 2 years after his exit.
Not trying to compare the situations; but I was very surprised at the times between tunnel exit; and the additional issue(s) coming back on our husbands.
Apparently; looking at my experience; and your experience, once the MLC'er exits the tunnel; if they try to set aside what is too painful to face; it catches up within two years, give or take, after exiting.
It puts another dimension on the crisis; but there is STILL hope as long as you love your MLC spouse.
MLC is a definitely a process; and timelines aren't helpful; as each person and crisis/transition is definitely different.
Even I didn't go by the "guide" I'd written so long ago; and so, I do tell people to disregard the timeline; it can be longer, or shorter, depending on the MLC'er.
Anyway; maybe this will help, too.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
YR you do not deserve this again. I am so sorry you are going thru this again. You are strong as many have said, and you are doing the right thing by putting it in Gods hands. You were an inspiration to me and still are. My prayers are with you and your family.
HB...... It has been over 2 yrs now that my ex left. walked away never wanting a second chance. He got married five months later and now has a newborn. He is STILL angry. I thought this would get better. What is your take on this? My main concern is my son, this is affecting him awfully bad. He is seeing his fathers anger at me and therefore chooses also to be angry. My ex literly would not put me out if I were on fire. Refuses to speak to me about our son. His young wife may have something to do with it, i dont know. I have forgiven him and moved on. BUT wish the anger would go away. I want to add, I think, in my opinion, it helps the lbs so much if the mlcer justs stays away and doesnt come back and forth. The lbs can move on much easier. I would still be a mess if my ex was coming and going. Its much better if you dont have to deal with them. Hard Lesson to learn!
I see so many similarities in that our H's are going through this AGAIN. I know this means they probably never finished the journey in the first place, but how frustrating.
This time, we have been apart 10 months and I am facing a final separation agreement next week. I'm not going to fight it. I'm letting it happen. Maybe it will work out for us, maybe not. Only God knows. I do know it will be better for me and the family all around to end the crapola.
I know you are not anywhere near that point at this time, and your situation contains different elements from mine. Just to let you know I will be here for you as well, and you can vent anytime. ((HUGS))
There are times that I feel like just throwing my H under a bus for going through this again! I love him but I have gotten to the point where whatever happens will happen. I am giving him space to sort through things he hasn't dealt with. I am hanging in there taking care of me and my D.
H is still coming home every night, eating dinner, talking a little more, watching TV with me and then going to bed. I know it his mess to figure this out and I will let him do it on his own.
I agree that only God know what will happen. Your H sounds like he still has some work to do. Hang in there you sound like your doing pretty godd!
YR, I don't think your h is going through mlc a second time. I think his adventure in MLC land was interrupted and he's just picked up where he left off. I sense that he was so afraid that you were going to move on w/o him that he rushed to return home. Something "jolted" him back to reality back when he was touring the MLC land and now he's finishing up his crisis.
I think if you just be yourself and live your life as you have been, he'll not "run" again. From what you've posted, he feels safe in his home and w/you. That's what is important...feeling "safe".
I hope you are doing okay and spoiling the little one. BTW, how are your parents doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
YR, I don't think your h is going through mlc a second time. I think his adventure in MLC land was interrupted and he's just picked up where he left off. I sense that he was so afraid that you were going to move on w/o him that he rushed to return home. Something "jolted" him back to reality back when he was touring the MLC land and now he's finishing up his crisis.
I think if you just be yourself and live your life as you have been, he'll not "run" again. From what you've posted, he feels safe in his home and w/you. That's what is important...feeling "safe".
YR,
Snodderly is right, I had gotten this same feeling to begin with, but because I haven't been there the whole time with you; I was uncertain of what my intuition was telling me...so, I went back and read up on your situation...and based on your posts; those told a somewhat different story.
I was very hesitant to speak of what I had gotten to begin with; mainly because; that is something no one wants to hear...and you don't know me, and I respect that.
So, for now, you get on with your life; and trust God for the ultimate outcome.
Hello Sunshinelewis,
Quote:
HB...... It has been over 2 yrs now that my ex left. walked away never wanting a second chance. He got married five months later and now has a newborn. He is STILL angry. I thought this would get better. What is your take on this? My main concern is my son, this is affecting him awfully bad. He is seeing his fathers anger at me and therefore chooses also to be angry. My ex literly would not put me out if I were on fire. Refuses to speak to me about our son. His young wife may have something to do with it, i dont know. I have forgiven him and moved on. BUT wish the anger would go away. I want to add, I think, in my opinion, it helps the lbs so much if the mlcer justs stays away and doesnt come back and forth. The lbs can move on much easier. I would still be a mess if my ex was coming and going. Its much better if you dont have to deal with them. Hard Lesson to learn!
The MLC'er goes and gets a divorce from the LBS; because they think that once they get "rid" of the LBS; they will be "happy"; as the LBS in their minds are the source of all their trouble.
It looks like he bought himself "double trouble"; because, he, in turn, married his OW; who became his wife.
Of course, his unhappiness hasn't left, if anything; it's increased for him...and that is HIS problem, not yours.
He KNOWS he's made a serious mistake; but instead of laying in the bed he's made; and going on with his life; he's taking his continuing anger out on you and probably the OW, too, whom he most likely perceives as having complicated his "problem".
What you do in regards to the trouble with your son's anger; is up to you. This has all affected him deeply; I don't know how old your son is; but a child that has gone through as much as he has; is hurting deeply.
Your husband is wrong; but I know you already know that; but he is still trying to "shed" the remnants of the old life; and that doesn't work when you've got a child with your former wife.
Now, in regards to what you said about it being better for the LBS if the MLC'er leaves; is a "mixed bag".
My husband was a truck driver; still is a truck driver; and he got his space during that time in his occupation. That's not to say I didn't have to deal with him at all; but I dealt when I knew I needed to; learning many things I would NOT have learned if he'd left entirely.
But that's ME; not anyone else.
On the other hand; the experience taught me to set proper boundaries on his behavior; and I gained a great deal of strength from that same experience.
Each person/LBS is different in how they can or cannot deal with your typical or off the wall MLC'er.
Dealing with MLC is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.
Everybody's opinion of what to do/not do during MLC is varied; and mostly based on individual situations; and how the MLC'er is "acting out".
I cannot, in good faith, advise throwing a MLC'er out of the house; unless they are being physically abusive.
God has instructed me NOT to advocate or advise that type of instruction...I'm Pro Marriage, always was.
On the other hand; I still had to come to the realization that my husband COULD have decided to leave me; EVEN after all of the work I did on myself and I had to learn to be ok with that...until I was informed later that he wanted to work on the marriage..and we did that.
But not everybody deals, nor will they deal as I did.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
