Thanks Augtan and GAG. I just feel numb over this. I just felt so shaky when I opened the packet and my sister, who happened to be here, said that was probably adrenaline. I haven't really reacted. She was really upset. She just kept saying "I can't believe this is happening. None of us can believe it."
If any of you remember the whole thing that happened weeks ago where I found out that she contacted my exH--she and I talked about this in person y-day. As it turns out he left out a VERY big chunk of the email she sent him when he told me "exactly what was in her message." He left out the opening, where she told him it was so difficult for her to say what she was saying to him because she grew up with him and felt he was her brother, and that she was far closer to him than our brother, and that it broke her heart to think she would never see him again.
He left that part out.
She said when he responded to her, she saw only the last line of the email which jumped out at her: "I love Antonia but I'm not in love with her. I'm in love with OW." At that point, my sister gave the email to a coworker and said "I can't read this. Would you please read it?" Her coworker did, and she said her coworker said "I've never seen such an arrogant pr*ck" in all of my life. Don't read it. There is no point. It's all about how he's a victim."
So my sister has never read it. She also said that when I didn't respond to his text on our anniversary that he contacted her and was "frantic." He thought I had done something crazy. But despite his claim to be scared for me, he actually had the guts to say to my sister, "Look, I was going to contact her on Christmas, but if you tell me that she is ok right now I promise I won't contact her." Bribing her?
Wow.
You know, I don't care what he says about how much he has his act together. This stuff all speaks otherwise.
But despite all of that, I guess I'm just in a bit of shock about being divorced. I never in a million years imagined that my life with him, my so-called perfect life, the vows I took for life, would come to this. I'm just a deer in headlights today.
And on top of that, for the first time in a very long time, I got sick last night with a terrible cough and feel a flu or something coming on. Everything is just unreal.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I am sorry to read that your D is final. I am sure that even though you were expecting it, it was still tough! I can understand the state of numbness you are feeling!
As GAG said, now you can move forward in your journey of healing and finding Antonia!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I'm so sorry about what you're feeling right now. The D is a step along a path to your future that may or may not include H/XH. You get to choose whether or not he will be part of your life..........Time has a way of revealing truths to us and to our MCLers. I am 100% certain that your H/XH will have a different perspective 1, 2, and 3 years from now.
One year ago I went very dim with my XH after our D. I was wounded to the depths of my soul.........Since then his life hasn't been as rosy as I think he expected. He certainly hasn't been the picture of happiness that he should have been if I was really the cause of his unhappiness. A couple nights ago, after we were both spent the evening at his mother's celebrating her birthday, my XH hugged me and said "There's a place in heaven for you". One or two years can make a world of difference in MLC land.
We are all here for you to support you through this.
So within mere hours of finding that my "bonds of matrimony" are dissolved, I become sick with the worst illness I've had in about 10 years. I'm on day 4 now with no end in sight, so I'm finally going to try to get myself to a doctor to get an antibiotic. I don't think I can work all week. This is brutal. Couple that with yesterday being my birthday, and I'm an emotional wreck. All of a sudden I'm questioning AGAIN if I can ever make it out of this quagmire.
In the past 4 days, I've suddenly wondered "can I even live in this same house or will that keep me from being able to move on?"
"Will I ever stop loving him this deeply and carrying a torch for him? No, I don't think so."
"Will I ever stop thinking obsessively about him, cause I'm back at that stage AGAIN?"
"This is not what I signed up for, I wouldn't have isolated myself this far away from family and moved to this state to begin with if it weren't for the promise he made me for life, which he BROKE, and now I'm sick as a dog and no one is here to help me."
Please tell me there is a correlation between me being incredibly sick and this backsliding! I have had no trouble with the no contact but yesterday, man, I did try to contact friends for help, got no response, and it was so hard to not contact my now ex for help. I know he'd be here in a heartbeat to help if I asked. But I resisted. And it was my birthday too.
My family sent me flowers. When they got here, I went to open the card, and you know already what I did, don't you? I wished they were from him. So that when they weren't, I lost it. I bawled because he left me, because we're now divorced, because I don't UNDERSTAND, because no one in my immediate world except you guys understand because no one I know ever lost someone after 23 years, where about 20 of those years were GOOD. People are looking at the end of the marriage only and telling me how much better off I am without him, but it's like no one believes that the other 20 years were really good and fulfilling. This is why they can't understand why I can tjust move on.
I just can't imagine being with anyone else for SO many years to come because I still feel so deeply for him and I know that because I know that, I'm condemning myself to this solitary existence for years where I have to impose on other families to help me when I'm sick because there is no one here to help me.
I know I'm rambling, I just felt like a jerk for crying when the flowers weren't from him but were from family. My family never abandoned me. He did. It sickens me that I can't stop feeling this attachment to him.
And no he didn't contact me on my birthday. I think he probably figures it does more harm than good.
Anyway I just had to vent and I hope that it's the illness that is making me crazy more than my own head.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Our work health care insurance carrier changed. My psychiatrist does not take this plan. Now unless I can cough up 100 bucks for 30 min., I'm done with that. I have an 8 month relationship with the psychiatrist. I can't just "go to someone else."
Banner week, let me tell you.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hi, I am so sorry that you are unwell. I do believe there is a direct relationship between getting sick and stress. And yes, I also felt at my worst emotionally when I was sick. Think of the 'child' that needs comforting and you as the adult are not up to doing it right now.
It does get better, it really really does. But it is a long slow process with both progress and set backs. You are dealing with many many emotions and circumstances right now. Please be nice to yourself, and go back to reading the book 'Journey from Abandonment to Healing'. Very soon you will be thinking about future plans, and doing good stuff. This is the worst bit for many [apart from just post bomb, when the shock protects us from feeling as much]. We are alone, in a situation we didn't want to be in, didn't choose, didn't sign up for.
If I lived near I would bring you chicken soup. Oh, and don't stress about the therapist, consider what Antonia the adult does? It feels like another set back. Maybe it is the right time to take a break.
Antonia - I'm so sorry you are going through this ((((hugs))))
I know sweetie, it hurts like he**. You got the D papers and no matter how you expect it it must be really hard....Of course you will go trough an emotional time now, need to process it all and start healing. Tears are cleansing....they help us release the pain...
Surround your self with friends and family and I think it would be wise to continue seeing a therapist if you can financially do it....
I know you will get through this....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I am sorry you are going through this. It all rings so true to my situation which started about 5 years ago. It does get better. He is clearly in a crisis and you do not know what the outcome of this will be. I was married to my ex for 19 years, so I know how it feels to be abandoned in a long term marriage. It is devastating. Let God be your husband for this time. Ask him everyday to guide you and to take care of you. He will..........
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
