Surely, me well enough to know that I am not picking on you. It is just my provocative and straightforward nature to ask the tough questions.
I do not see you as some one who fears being on her own. And you do seem like someone who is willing to confront situations that are not to your liking. So it suprises me that you are going along in this marriage which is not to your liking. And yes, not every day is peaches and cream in a marriage, but more often than not you are unhappy. (My estimating is that you have 4 hours and 22 minutes good followed by 37 bad days.)
Quote: my fear is that while living my life and making myself happy there is the possibility (that since h doesn't really participate in much with me) that someone might catch my eye, or mind, or heart...then what??
That statement sums it up very well. Then what? Which is why I ask you the questions that I ask. In all honesty, that sounds like a statement my ex could have made and obviously did make at least to herself.
rest assured I have made such statement to my h..so it's not something that I'm hiding..infact before I started my emt class I let him know that if things continued the way they were going that there really wasn't much to stop me from accepting the advances of the men in class.
H wasn't ruffled at all, infact I could go out every night of the week...strange people could email or im me and he wouldn't even ask who they are or if they're male or female.
I don't know imp, I really don't know.
I hope that the ratio of good and bad you gave is simply the impression I give off and not the actual facts cause that's pretty damn sad.
My take is you won't do to your H what he did to you. If you find out what you suspect is true then it won't be an issue. I'm pretty much in the same boat. Third times a charm?? I told my H I would not go through this again with OW. It'salready happened twice. I'd LOVE to not be pesimistic, but if it crawls like a snake and looks like a snake, chances are..it is a snake. Rachael Hey LL.. Need a room mate???
Saying "I don't know" is pretty honest. Your H probably thinks since you are so bold to say things like you say that you won't do them. But I do think you fear really pushing him as I have seen that before. I have been coming to this board for a long time and have seen similar situations.
It just seems to me that you are very unhappy and know that your H is never going to give you what you desire. As for the impression, unhappy is unhappy. I know that you were unhappy at the last get together, but I haven't seen your face and eyes lately.
Also, I do believe men will stay in a comfort zone forever. I did that. It took a catastrophe for me to be willing to change at which time, I was unable to deal rationally with the situation. But it did get me to change. The counselors I have spoken with have backed me up on this. Your H's lack of concern fits that pattern.
LL, I just want to see you happy, one way or another. Life is too short to wait.
Also.. I've lived alone on and off for two years now. I don't mind it, but I'd rather not. I want to share my life with someone that wants to be with me. Someone that will be my friend. My H does not seem interested in that. How long do I wait??? LL, that's the million dollar question isn't it. Of course if we find out there is the OW in the picture again. I guess that question is answered for both of us. Rachael
What I said right from the start. Your H has no incentive to change. It will be up to you to intiate a change in the R. You will have to be the risk taker. Do you want the status quo to go on so long that you are so sick of him that you will never have a chance to save the marriage? Action taken sooner rather than later is always best. I don't know what the actions may be, but it will involve sitting and saying, "H, it cannot go on like this much longer. Are we going to have a good marriage or not?"
The reason nothing happens is because no real action is taken. He is at the point where it goes in one ear and out the other. Real change takes real work. What work do you make him do? You have not given him an ultimatum. My ex said she nagged me. I never heard it. Of course, my mother was the queen of nag, so there was no way I could have. She never said to me, either this changes or I am gone. Maybe, she didn't do it because she was afraid I would do it. It will take much strength on your part. Basically, if you don't do X, then you have to go.
