There's a bar across the street from our house and it gets a little rowdy once in a while. Well, last night there was a brawl and some shots fired. My wife's reaction to it is, understandably fear, but she said this clearly to me, "This is another reason why I can't wait to move to another place."
Now she's using her paranoia as a reason/excuse to leave me. Aaarrrgghh! This past 3 days she's changed tactics - instead of being angry and confronting me, she just shoots negative remarks and walks off.
It this normal behavior, or is she getting smart about my techniques and trying to negate them by one-upping them with more negative behavior from her end?
After we got home and put our son down for his nap, I texted my wife this: "I had fun at the picnic. Thanks and great picnic-at-the-wharf idea!". She responded, "No prob". At least she replied this time to a compliment.
Were the two of you in the house while texting each other?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Alamo, all of this stuff is nit-picking! She is trying to find some kind of fault so she will feel justified for a D. When you react to this nit-picking, juvenile arguments then you both are acting silly.
There are too many "real" problems to worry about. When she starts to with this foolish type of fight, don't satisfy her by responding. Just turn around and walk away.
Don't try to read her mind, b/c you'll lose yours in the process. If she's nice one day and hateful the next....take it at face value and don't make it more than it is.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
After we got home and put our son down for his nap, I texted my wife this: "I had fun at the picnic. Thanks and great picnic-at-the-wharf idea!". She responded, "No prob". At least she replied this time to a compliment.
Were the two of you in the house while texting each other?
Yes. She was cooped up in her room, and I was in mine.
Yeah, I needed that reminder, thanks! It's hard to decern, in the heat of the moment, whether I need to be polite and walk away, or actually try to put my foot down, you know?
I just realized that even though I'm financially tight, it's income tax time! With my returns I plan on getting a session with a DB coach.
UPDATE Well, I'm going to take a leap of faith and ask my wife for her share in the monthly expenses. I figure that since she will keep bringing it up, I mind as well. Unless any of you think it might have some legal remifications.
Michele talks about choosing your battles. Have you read that?
My short term goals:
1. I would like for us be able to go out for dinner with our son, once every week, by February. 2. It would be great if we became thoughtful, caring and sincere, rather than like roommates or strangers, by April. 3. I want to be a calmer, more considerate person.
180� 1. Develop closer friendships, and have myself be accountable to them for my addiction and backsliding. 2. Get off my butt and do things I used to be able to do, e.g. walk, hike, buy things I like (when necessary only, of course), work on my physique, etc. 3. This may sound odd to some, but letting my yes be yes, and my no be no. As a former porn addict and subsequent liar, often my answers would consist of yeah, sure, nah, why not, nope, etc. Basically I'm being firmer in my resolve and/or answers. 4. Be able to apologize and be accountable for my mistakes, past or present, rather than be defensive (also part of the porn issue), blameful and/or spiteful. 5. Strengthen my relationship with God and my Christian family. My wife and I had lost that during our marriage.
Oh yes, I did read about picking what battles to fight. It just seems like many of them (not all) that my wife brings up have, at some point in the past, been hot-button issues between us, which is why I think sometimes those conversations have to be discussed. Of course, I'm still trying hard to catch myself and stop it before it causes unnecessary friction.
I was driving home from having lunch with my son (Sundays are my days with him), and my while calls from the mall parking lot. Turns ot the car won't start again. I was thinking, "rats, not again". I had a hunch it was the starter, so I asked her to find a screwdriver in the back and use it to give the starter a whack. Before I could continue and say that I was on the way to her anyway, she starts crying and say that this is so like me to never treat her like a real husband would...
A short background story is in order here. There was one occasion in particular when her car was steaming close to home, and I was home with our child. I admit that I didn't respond like a knight in shining armor should and asked her if she could nurse the car back home. She has been mad at me over dad ever since, understandably.
...So anyway, back to the present. I told her I was already on the freeway towards her direction. She said while crying that I'm not her husband anymore, so I shouldn't be coming out there. i said, I still see you as my wife though, and I'm on my way. Don't worry, okay? She replied pretty much the same way, e.g. I'm not her husband anymore and this just reminds her of why I was a lousy husband. I said I'll be there, don't worry. And she just hung up.
Did I just screw up by offering my help and reinforcing my role as a doormat? I read in another thread here that by offering services and help continue to make me less attractive to my spouse. Then again, I'm going on advice that I should try to be her best friend right now, and be there for her when possible. Which is which?
