Having a hard time... II

[what next?]

I feel like something is working a little... I think that she would have sent me my list of bills if she was in a hurry but I could be wrong. I'm not trying to talk myself out of anything just want to present both sides to myself. I don't want to blow the progress that I feel like I have made by doing something like calling her when I'm not ready.

[what next?]

she posted this

It's never too late - never too late to start over, never too late to be happy. -Jane Fonda

on her twitter today... probably a good reason why I should stop looking at it lol

man that bummed me out

[Denver_2010]

Yeah Next, probably need to stop looking at stuff like that. I understand though. I check my W's FB account on a daily basis just make sure that she hasn't unmarried me there. I know that it would be a huge setback for me if one day I checked and she had...

Hang in there.

[MrBond]

Do you have an FB or Twitter account that she can also check out? The thing is that because you don't want to talk to her, she can't see any changes that you are making. I would start posting about your triumphs so that she indirectly sees you changing.

Have you found a job yet? That was the most important thing. IMO I wouldn't be picky and start looking for opportunities outside of what you were looking for.

[what next?]

Yeah I have FB... friends have been commenting about how positive my posts are and she referenced something about seeing something on there last week.

I got back home today from Houston and I'm going to keep looming for a job in both Houston and Tulsa. I'm thinking about getting a DB coach to try and set up some specific goals.

[what next?]

Some milestones I have just been thinking about

About a month before she dropped the bomb we got in an argument that ended with her crying and proclaiming that maybe she should just be alone for the rest of her life. This made me realize how depressed she was and I tried my best to console her but she was already so numb that it had pretty much no effect. Still I didn't expect to hear the words come out of her mouth that our marriage was over in her mind just a few weeks later.

After the bomb she made reference to our life in the future like "if we stay together we can take this whine tasting class together" ... but then my pursuing pushed her too far away.

During our separation she would make comments like "you hear stories all the time about people getting divorced and remarrying.." or "it's like the saying... if you love it let it go" Obviously I needed to give her REAL space then but I was unable to. She sent my sister and I a text at the same time one night saying that she "just wanted all of the pain to stop for everyone" I responded by saying that divorce wouldn't make the pain go away.

Our last phone conversation was on December 22nd and it was after I read an intensely cold email from her that pushed me over the edge that night. I had emailed her a long email saying that I didn't understand why the process was taking so long for the divorce after she had filed but that if she was wanting time to think that was fine with me. She responded that it was all her attorney's fault and that it had nothing to do with her needing to think, she just wanted to divorce and move on. I called her in a panic really and was doing everything but validate. After that I had to go dark in order to protect myself from screwing up like that again.

Last week we had some email exchanges where I was able to sincerely respond to her with a smile on my face and talk to her "as if" I was her friend. I think that that confusion of my response is why she hasn't got back with me about transferring some bills into my name that are on a joint account right now. I could be wrong but I have that hope.

I've made so many mistakes along the way and I'm trying to turn them around one at a time. I appreciate all of the help you guys are giving me and realize how frustrating it is for the vets to know what I need to do and me not being able to execute.

Thanks.

[what next?]

Planning on going by the house to get my mail today. Wish me luck lol!

So demoralizing to have to ring the door bell at my own home....

[2stepboogie]

Ok Next,

I have taken some time to read your thread, I hadn't seen it before, but I see a great similarity between your emotional state and actions and myself.

Here is something that I am learning the hard way and it doesn't seem like you have learned yet. You CAN'T control what she does or how she does it. Attempting to do so will only cause pain and confusion. YOU must detach and live for yourself right now. Easier said than done. I struggle also. You contradict yourself all the time. "I should send this email or this text but If I do this will happen or she will react this way" Stop that. Stop making decisions based on what you believe the outcome will be.

I read story about a very successful business men who had fallen on hard times. The guy always had a positive outlook on things no matter how bad things were. Things had gotten so bad that at one point they came to his house to collect his furnisher for lack of payment. His neighbor approached him and ask how he was doing. The business replied with a big smile "isn't this great. Now I don't have to make those payments anymore. God is good" You get my point?

You should adopt that attitude. She didn't call. Oh well! If you make changes in hopes that she will see them you are fooling yourself but you are not fooling her. Make changes because you have looked in the mirror and you believe you need to make them. This is real change.

If she makes a comment like she did on twitter smile and go about your business, trying to figure them out is really pointless. You have to battle your own demons and they will test you and you will hurt but you will come out the other side better. Allow her to deal with her demons and she will become better. In the mean time remember the chess game you are in. Always smile and try and stay happy.

I have decided that if my W follows through with the D I will smile all the way to the court house and beyond even if I crumble later. I want her to think "I am really leaving a great guy" If I argue with her or pressure her she will only convince herself even more that she is making the right decision.

The more you pressure the worse she feels because she can't feel love for you right now all you are doing is reminding her of why she left.

I am my worst enemy in this but I am trying. If you read my thread you will see my moods go from one end to the other sometimes in the same day. Also like you I would talk to W and feel great for a day maybe two but then after no contact I would feel depressed and angry all over again. I've learned to let that go a little. IF she call great! If she doesn't.....well I got you guys.

Stay strong and stay focused. All you can control is yourself start with that.

[what next?]

Yeah your sitch has really inspired me to initiate more contact (keeping it light of course) I have been so intimidated by the idea of engauging her because I'm afraid I will bow it. But seeing how well you have done has made me ready to take the plunge and see if we can start to be friends.

Her actions would destroy me before. When she talked to me like everything was normal in her world I would get so hurt. But realizing that they are either putting up a front to us or just not facing reality means that I can accept it much easier. Knowing that reality is just under the surface for her means that I can interact with the defensive her and not feel so hurt.

I wish I had understood this earlier but I am greatful that I'm getting there now.

[what next?]

Had a text exchange with her (I tried to call but she didn't answer so I texted her a while later.)

M: "Hey, came by to get that check but you weren't there... let me know when you get home. I was hoping to get it deposited for you this morning but if you won't be there that's fine. just let me know

W: I'll text you when I'm back so you can get it. You got another letter from the IRS for (my old company), too.

M: I sent that stuff to my accountant. Was hoping he had taken care of it. Guess I might need to find someone else to handle it. Pretty frustrating lol

W: Yeah, sorry, [censored].

............

before this conversation would have actually frustrated me. I would have thought "you think this [censored]???? this is NOTHING compared to what REALLY [censored]" lol

but instead I am able to see it as a positive interaction where she showed sympathy for my situation. DB'ing gave me that!