Only a teeny, tiny, velvet padded 2 x 4 from me because it sounds as though you're taking on at least some responsibility for your H's unhappiness about supporting his family all those years. Your H is an adult and when an adult in a M realizes they're harboring resentment for some reason or other it's their responsibility to talk about it with their spouse. The tricky part comes when the unhappy spouse can't tell us that their unhappiness is threatening the R so that a solution can be negotiated. In your case, YOU took care of H's children from his first M and I'm sure that you treated them like they were your own biologic children. YOU made his life much easier by doing that and that fact alone allowed him to succeed in his career.
I have been a career woman for 30 years in male dominated fields (most of these men have wives who either don't work or work part-time) and I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that YOU contributed in substantial ways to your H's success. I will tell you this even if your H won't. There were many, many times I would have loved having someone have dinner ready for me when I came home; or done the grocery shopping, laundry, cleaned the house, picked up the dry cleaning, etc.; buying Christmas, birthday gifts etc. for family and friends; or massaged my shoulders when I was pulling an all-nighter to meet a deadline.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
During the BD he did say that he'd worked like that to escape the kids and I.
Your H is re-writing history here. Punkin is right. That ^^^^^^^ is shizbot. H needs to put on his big-boy panties and take responsibility for his decisions. By having your own children with H you gave him the kind of joy that he probably didn't experience in his first M when his children were young. I knew that I couldn't afford to have children as a single woman and feel that I have missed out on one of the great joys of life. I'm guessing that your H worked/works long hours because he works in a competitive field (I may be wrong about this). He may need to do that to remain competitive. THAT was a choice that HE made. Unless you pushed H to earn a lot of money, he probably had other options but chose not to take them because he didn't WANT to earn less. He probably enjoys his work too (I was passionate about my previous job) and you allowed him to work in that field for many, many years. You gave HIM that gift!!!!
Originally Posted By: beatrice
I have a very close male friend who went through a MLC..... he said he felt angry and resentful about his kids and his marriage and his wife, and totally trapped.
This hit me between the eyes because my XH used the same word: "trapped". He said that he felt trapped in our M, but we have no children, we both made a good living, and my H/XH came and went whenever he wanted to. I really don't think the "trapped" feeling is only due to having the responsibility of children. It seems to be an MLC thing.
You should not feel guilty about asking for what you and your children need to provide for your futures. You have given your H a fulfilling life he may not have had if he had M'ed someone else.
