Boundaries with Love

[FindingMyVoice]

Good morning CL - great post. Sounds like you're doing some real tough, introspective work. Take time to be proud of yourself for that.

My responses are to withdraw or distance myself. These will be patterns I will need to change (180 in DB terms). I will need to hang in there with conflict, and when my [Spouse] is critical or angry with me.

Sounds like we're in such similar places, CL. I agree, it's such a difficult pattern to change.

My internal reaction is one of annoyance and anger, but to share that is participating in a nonconstructive dance. Sharing that I've been injured seems like too big a step to take. Maybe the next step is to slow down, and acknowledge my feelings to myself, instead of staying in emotional reactive mode.

I think that sounds very productive actually. My IC let me know that going from withdrawal, right into sharing hurt 'in the moment' is a HUGE step to take, and one so large that's it's actually unreasonable to expect of oneself. Instead, let yourself withdraw, think about what happened, and then revisit it with your spouse later, once emotions aren't so high. I guess this is a perfectly acceptable first step to deal with conflict when your normal pattern is withdrawal. The idea is that after some time, you'll begin being able to process all that quicker, and soon be able to do it 'in that moment'.

I found a great book that complements perfectly this process she suggested. It's an older one but excellent. It's called 'The Assertiveness Workbook' by Randy J. Paterson (PhD). It's got these excellent little forms at the back you can photocopy and print out, that you fill in with 1) The situation; 2) Your Response; 3) If it was Assertive, Passive or Passive/Aggresive; 3) Your feelings afterward; and 4) An alternative response. I've been using it this week and have found it very helpful. I've only found it on amazon, but at least it's available as a kindle edition for immediate download, too.

Be sure to keep posting your progress; I'll do the same. Hopefully one of these days we'll both be managing that conflict in the moment and finding our relationships healthier ones for it! Good for you for returning to your Sat night ballroom dances. Take care! FMV.