I want to thank everyone for all their support. I am struggling with this on many different levels. At the risk of 2 x 4's I'm going to try to journal these feelings. If this sounds like a pity party, maybe it is. IDK
First, you ladies that have spoken about never thinking you'd ever deal with this have hit the nail on the head. I was secure in the love I thought my husband had for me. I would have never dreamed he could do this. This is why this why the MLC forum was my first stop on these boards. It was the only explanation that fit what he was doing.
The D papers themselves were a shock. Yes, they were threatened when he left, but H had a history of never finishing what he started. This included major projects around our home(s)and hobbies that he started. The kids and I learned to do great finishing work. The D papers are a 180 for him.
I married my H with him having full custody of his two young sons. They very seldom were with their mother and to escape bills that she and her BF had run up after her and H split, and just before our wedding, she and BF moved to Texas.
So, this started the pattern of me working around taking care of the kids so my H could satisfy his workaholicness. I knew what he was full well going into our marriage. I accepted this about him. That doesn't mean I wasn't lonely at times, but it was who he was and still is.
When we started having children, H was the main breadwinner, I was the main caregiver. This worked because of who H was and who I was. Yes, we did take each other for granted at times because we each had our roles in the marriage, we knew what they were and accepted them.
When H ran I was shocked to learn that he resented supporting the kids and I. I was shocked that he resented being taken for granted by all of us. I know you're only hearing it from my side, but there were many, many times the kids and I tried to show him how much we appreciated him and how hard he worked to support us. H stopped being able to see this about 2 years before the bomb. He withdrew from the family, and I, more and more. He continued to work like he always did.
During the BD he did say that he'd worked like that to escape the kids and I. That hurt because it was true. It was telling me that he resented the fact that I saddled him with more kids. My first inkling of this was about 13 years ago when his youngest son by his first marriage graduated and left for the Marine Corp. He admitted during that time that if we hadn't had more children he would then be free from supporting a family. I believe he would have gone all in the tunnel at this time if he hadn't been interrupted by my truly unplanned pregnancy with D12.
I'm here to tell you though that H was very much for having our children at the time. He went to every OB appointment with me for each of them. He was a very involved and tender Dad. He took care of them as babies fully tending to all of all their needs right down to being jealous of my nursing them because he wanted to be involved with feeding them. My family even recognized this and as a joke bought him a bra set up with bottles. LOL I was able to work it out where he could be involved with feeding but it wasn't as often as he liked.
The weird thing I've noticed in looking back was that where H pulled away from the kids is when they reached the age of about 9. Nine was the age H was when he lost his dad suddenly. I do wonder now if there was a connection there. He even said more than once a few years ago that he wished we could have another baby...
I'm struggling with having to do what I'm going to do and that is see a L and take half from H. I am grateful for those years that I got to stay home and I'm grateful to H for supporting us and letting me use my paycheck to support my horses and my bills. This is the stipulation that H himself made during our marriage. He said I will support all of us, and if you want horses you support them. Now, I did do some supporting of us such as paying half the mortgage and paying for what I bought that added to our lives such as the swimming pool, etc. I found out in H's spew when he left that he resented that I hadn't paid for more during the years. I feel guilty that I'm going for half of what H worked for, but if I don't, I won't be able to live. I feel that I don't deserve it and it will just reinforce H's resentment of me. I pray that he doesn't take that resentment out on the kids but I'm scared he will. They are the real casualties of this.
H changed the rules, but forgot to tell me. Looking back, there were clues and I failed to see them or maybe I didn't want to.
I apologize for the length of this. I wanted to get this out there as I move forward on a path that I truly didn't believe I would ever be on. I still love and am in love with H. It tears my heart apart that he may never acknowledge that again and live the rest of his life resenting the fact that he ever married me.
