Twink, many MLCers exhibit signs of narcissistic personality disorder, and one of its manifestations is to pull someone who is pulling away, closer in and then hurt them. It is sometimes characterised as 'Come closer so that I can slap you [again]' I am not sure if it conscious action, or just the way they are in MLC. But it does account in part for those 'touch and goes' that so many of us have had They even sometimes ask to come back, and work on the marriage, then do nothing and leave a few days or weeks later.
The damage they do to their children, whatever their ages, is horrifying, and a sure sign that something is pretty wrong. This is just one reason why we have to be strong and stable and sane and loving!
I thought I was at a place where I could start being more open to H without it bothering me -- inviting him to stay if he came by near dinnertime, sharing D's troubles more freely, etc. -- but now I think I need to step back again.
I so know this one. Esp the part about sharing D's troubles more. I don't know about your H, but mine doesn't really seem to want to hear them. He usually gets this distracted or stressed look when I would bring up stuff about D. So, I stepped way back.
If one of my D's is hurt and goes into the hospital, I will absolutely call him. Otherwise, I don't really see the point.
One of my D's has had suicial ideations and when I shared this with H, he listened. I didn't get any feedback, but I can't say I really expected any and he has never asked me (or her C) about it. To be fair, he does ask her, the problem there is she's not really telling him anything.
My point is, stepping back really helped me and if you think it's what you need to do, by all means take care of yourself.
Beatrice, thank you for stopping by, and for your perspective. While I think my H has always been selfish in several ways, these last incidents don't really fit the "come closer so I can slap you" scenario. The reason is that the hurtful things he did actually preceded the positive contact. The cc charge was two days before he dropped off D's pet and I invited him to stay for dinner, and I learned of it the next day. The bp was emailed before I called him to explain the seriousness of D's struggle. That is why I believe they were done carelessly and unintentionally, not to pull away. Nevertheless, they hit me.
And don't worry, should H ever ask to come home and work on the marriage, I will say no until certain things are done, and I see actions that match words. And he will know that, even then, it will be his only chance. I will not go through this for a third time with him.
Grace, I really appreciate your sharing so much about your D. We are dealing with something similar, and when I found out how serious it was becoming, I really believed that H should at least know. Up to then, I had let D tell him what she wanted him to know, and I think I will back off to that point again. He is incapable of supporting either D, or me dealing with D, right now, so I will shoulder this parenting responsibility myself. Might have to start wearing H's old football pads to help me out LOL!
Thanks, ladies. I've pulled myself back together with everyone's support, and will proceed with my plans for me.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Yes, they also do the casual thougtlessness. Except I sometimes wonder now how 'unintentiional' it really is. However be prepared for the scenario that I outlined. It has happened several times to me! [Idiot that I am!!]
Like me, you are an older MLCer. Some people even doubt that it happens this late, but I am certain that my h, and it sounds as if yours also, are having a MLC. I felt very desolate as my friends all prepared for a happy period in later life, but now I feel energised and challenged. I wonder if we are all more depressed by this than we realise
Yes, who does this at this age?!?! It was so hard at first to accept that I would likely be spending the last decades of my life single, after devoting the four middle ones to H and family, but now I see the opportunity to do so in ways that I want and H never would.
When H and I spoke about D's problems a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that she had postponed an important professional obligation because of her condition, but I did not know the new date. Since then, I learned it, but had not had reason or opportunity to tell him, and he hadn't asked. So today I receive a text that he had dinner w/D, she seemed ok, and that they had "talked about the planned date for x," but he didn't mention the date. WTH? I guess I can share info with him, but he can hold it hostage? Not going to work. I have not, and will not, respond or ask.
With the little slips that have happened lately, and the more frequent trips to OW 's city a day's drive away, methinks that all is not well in Neverland. I really do feel very sorry for H as I witness this stuff. I will, however, stick to my plan.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
he didn't mention the date. WTH? I guess I can share info with him, but he can hold it hostage?
That seems to be the way it goes. It reminds me of the way my H talks to D's. Tends to be superficial and even when he broche's the tough stuff with D15, it's like he's inviting himself into their lives without inviting them into his. I think he's afraid (not really the right word, just can't hink of a better one right now) it will get back to me.
It's good that you see the opportunity here. It took me awhile , but I finally got there.
it's like he's inviting himself into their lives without inviting them into his. I think he's afraid (not really the right word, just can't hink of a better one right now) it will get back to me.
I think MLCers tend to be secretive about many things [like damaged children] I think they see knowledge of any kind as giving them power and control [which they feel they lack], and I also think they are terrified of emotional intimacy, which they paradoxically crave. Just a 2c
Grace, thanks. There is definitely an imbalance of openness, if you will. I am working to rebalance that, for my own good.
Beatrice, you have, in few words, described my sad H perfectly.
Yesterday I realized that my feelings of the last couple of weeks were not really in response to H's careless and thoughtless actions. They were the last two years of stuff screaming out for attention. I have soldiered my way through my mother's strokes and death, my H's leaving, my D's problems, and the loss of my pets, because at each turn I needed to be strong for something else. Now much of that is gone, and the chickens have come home to roost, as they say. My instinct was to step back from H even before I came to this realization. Now I see how much processing I need to do, and how important it is right now to pull my focus back to me as much as possible.
As has been said many times here -- be still, and the answers will come.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
, but I finally got there.